Torn Between Two

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Torn Between Two
7
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 9:40am
Let me put a situation here and get some input on what others would do in it.


A year ago I met a guy "wonderboy" that if I was sure love at first site existed that would be it. I was shy and could never quite tell if he liked me however, and I ended up with another person "clingyguy".

I care about this person, he's a great guy but sometimes I feel like I'm only in the relationship not because I'm attracted to him, but because I feel that he's such a great guy I'd be stupid to give him up.

Yesterday I ran in to "wonderboy" again and got the dinstinct impression he does have some feelings for me. I know its weird but I can't get this guy out of my mind. Sometimes I think if I knew for sure he liked me I would end the relationship with this other guy.

What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 9:51am
Well...if you're in your current relationship for the sake of being in a relationship...that isn't the best place to be. Your descriptions of both men clearly indicate that you would rather not be with your current boyfriend. Are you worried that if you dump the current and try for wonderboy that you'll be rejected? There's an old saying: "I'd rather be alone than unhappy." If Clingyboy is not compatible with you - there's no sense in prolonging either of your agonies. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:31pm
If only it were that easy, clingyboy pressured me into moving in with him and by my own stupidity I agreed. We're set to move (away from wonderboy who lives next door:( ) and now if I break up with him I'll have no place to live so I kind of have to.

I'm still not even sure its like this guy treats me so nice I feel obligated to stay with him even though I don't know if I'm really attracted to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 6:15pm
Do you feel compelled to move with him because you signed a lease? If you are not legally obligated (and there are ways of handling that), of course you don't have to live with him. You mean there isn't a rental vacancy, or roommate situation you could find in your entire city? Do you believe that you don't 'pilot your own ship', that you are helpless to resist pressure to live with a guy, or feel obligated to be in a relationship you don't really want? I think you do know that you are not attracted to clingyboy. If you were you wouldn't question it, and you wouldn't have assigned him a derogatory name.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:27pm
yes, but I'm a college student with no family help and limited funds.

He actually moved in two weeks ago to my place that I have to be out of (we're moving next week) and I'm already about to go nuts. Sometimes it seems he just follows me around from room to room or is always touching me and he doesn't understand why I get mad about it. We were fine when we were long distance but now I'm going crazy around him.

That and everywhere I turn I see "wonderboy" or something that reminds me of him. Do you think its normal to be so enamoured by a guy that you've known for a year and a half but barely talk to? Sometimes I feel like I really need to finally know if he has feelings for me or not, but now that "clingyboy" is in my life I can't or else he'll think I'm totally heinous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 4:17pm
I think your infatuation with wonderboy has a lot do with the fact that he seems so different from your boyfriend. Your BF follows you around like a puppy dog and is overly needy of your attention and affection (oh boy I've been there and I know how repugnant it feels), while wonderboy is someone you barely know and is not seeking your attention at all, other than some mild flirtation. Wonderboy probably doesn't have "feelings" for you, not in the way you hope. It's quite possible that he is physically attracted to you, but since you barely talk to him it's highly unlikely that it's anything more.

In any event, you should always end one relationship before trying to pursue another. Not to do so is just using the one you're with until you're sure you have someone else to replace him. That's completely unfair to your BF. If you don't want to be with him, and I can understand why you don't, then start making plans to live apart from him. Limited funds or not, you have other options such as answering an ad for a roommate. Don't make excuses to justify doing the wrong thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 5:40pm
I think that you've fallen into the *grass is greener* pit. You don't really know anything about this other guy except for the fantasies you've made. I think that you're making excuses for how you feel about the great guy you're with.

So what happens if you break up with the guy you're with and pursue the other one and he says, "sorry, not interested"?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 7:35pm
well i understand where you are coming from and i'm going to give u advice from my heart. i'm a shy person as well and that can be a problem at times, in this situation i would tell you to follow your heart.Think about how this"wonder boy" make you feel- do you get the butterflies in your stomach when you're in his pressence, do you imagine yourself being with him,do you feel like you all can connect on a intimate level,and does being around him simply just makes you happy where it seems like nothing in this world matters at that point.Also ask yourself those same questions about the guy that you're with-make sure you are not just using him as security blanket-which one can't u live without? Follow your heart