Torn between two

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Torn between two
3
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:39pm
After a one-year disaster of a relationship, I started dating someone I had been friends with for a few years, who turns out to be the exact opposite of the ex. It took awhile to adjust to our new "dating" status, but things are going well and he is so amazingly good to me.

The problem is that I have this notion of what my life is supposed to look like, and it seems to be holding me back. I've had a crush (which started before we started dating) on this guy who is a concert pianist & has so much in common with me. It seems that we want to lead a very similar lifestyle. I don't mean "lifestyle" as in money, I just mean that I always pictured myself traveling and I'm into art and classical music and literature, and I don't have these or much else in common with the guy I'm seeing now. "The crush" seems to be everything I thought I wanted, down to physical apperance (which isn't important, but most people gravitate toward a "type").

I don't know how the crush feels about me, but that isn't really the point anyway. How much do my notions of how things are supposed to be matter? I don't want to throw away something really good, but I don't want to have regrets either. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: dykmanad
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 2:48pm
Just make sure you're not basing any decision you make with a *the grass is greener over there* mentality. If you are THAT unsure of the relationship you are in now, you're not giving it a chance and should move on. Take time to look at your life as a single person before you do move on to someone else though. Don't start chasing this crush until you are out of the relationship you are in now, that's the right thing to do. But make sure that you give the guy you're with a chance without the fantasy of the crush in your head. If you want to do all these things, have you talked with the guy you're with about them? Have you asked if he wanted to go traveling and the like with the current guy? If you are that different and you find there's nothing in common, isn't it better to move on?

Just make sure you end one thing before starting another.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
In reply to: dykmanad
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 3:01pm
Thanks for the advice. I agree, I would never start one thing without ending another, esp. b/c this guy was a very good friend before anything else.

It's not really that I'm unsure of him, I'm more just unsure of how to let go of thinking my life is supposed to be one way and with a particular kind of person. This crush isn't really the important part, it's more about me and the fear that I am just standing in the way of my own happiness b/c I'm falling for someone I didn't think I would have. One guy is everything I want emotionally, and the other is everything I want on paper (I don't know him well enough yet to assess much more).



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: dykmanad
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:14pm
So you're in shock that the life you dreamed of isn't the reality you're living? A lot of people are in that position, some in worse situations than others. Be thankful that you are not in the life of someone who has lost control- someone addicted to drugs and living on the streets, or a battered wife who sees no way out.

If you're not living the life you want, why not start changing things? Why not set a few goals of things that you could change that would put you a little closer to the life you dream of? If you want to go travelling, why don't you? You don't HAVE to go with this guy, get a girl friend to save up with you for a fun trip. If you enjoy something and the guy isn't interested, join a group of people who do enjoy it. You don't HAVE to like everything your guy likes and vice versa. Invite him to do the things with you that interest you and MAKE A POINT to try out something that HE likes. You may find out that you like something you never thought you would, and he might find out the same. Or you can suggest that you both try something new together.

The possibilities are endless.

Forget about this other guy though, you need to work with the one you have before you start looking somewhere else. If after a few months of trying to work in some new things you still feel the same, then at least you can say you tried.

Good luck

Photobucket