Torn between two men

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Torn between two men
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 1:22am
I have a bit of a problem, and I'm not really sure what to do, so I am posting here. This is going to be long.
Over the past few years, I have become very close to a family friend, A, who is somewhat older than me (I'm 18). I've known him for many years and I have been in love with him for about 5 years. I know it may sound rediculous, but it isn't to me. Last summer, we began having sex. He moved back to his home state a few years ago for work so we do not see each other very often; however, I will be moving up there is August for college. A school about 45 minutes away from him gave me a huge scholarship so I am going there. Plus, I love the area, and I didn't get into my first or second choice schools.
Neither of us felt it was a good idea to try to pursue a serious relationship with so much distance between us, so we are not exclusive. Meaning we can be with other people. It wasn't fair to either of us to not be open to seeing other people, especially since I am young and have not had nearly as much experience in dating and sex as he has. A has always encouraged me to test the waters, to go out and have fun with guys my age and not let myself be tied down to him. I've dated a bit, but I've never really been happy with any of the other guys. Also it is not definite that we will become a couple once I live closer to him. We will have to see how things pan out.
Anyway, we will be together in a couple months to see where life takes us. Sounds great, right? Well, I've met someone. I didn't plan on it happening, and I didn't want it to honestly. But it did. It is so strange. I've never been interested in anyone but A, no matter how hard I tried. Now that I am going to be near A soon, I'm developing feelings for another man, J.
Although A has always encouraged me to date other people, he is upset by the possibility of me and J getting together. A said that, logically, he knows he is being a jerk and his behavior is uncalled for. After all, he knows he told me to have other relationships. The illogical part of him asks what he did wrong and wonders if I am going to abandon him. I feel horribly about this because I don't want to hurt him, but part of me wants to say, "well now you know how I feel when you date other people." I don't say that, though.
And I am not interested in J simply to get back at A for dating other people. I hope I don't come off that way. I am genuinely interested in J. He intrigues me. That doesn't happen often. A is the only other man who has been capable of that. J is so intelligent and talented. He is 19 and will be a junior in the fall at a university that my parents desperately tried to get me to apply to, but I didn't because I hate living here. He is absolutely brilliant and gorgeous. He is sweet and proves that chivalry is not quite dead. He is a writer and an artist (as am I an artist) and is hilarious in such an unusual way
The only thing that I am not thrilled about is he is horribly shy. He can barely talk to me on the phone so we mainly IM, and he is too nervous to go out on a date with me. That is what he says at least. I'm confused. I don't know if I should believe him when he says he is shy, or if he is just making up excuses and is really not interested. He says he is extremely glad he met me, and he first mentioned going out, but everytime I bring it up again, he backs out. I felt like we were making progress the other night when we actually talked on the phone for two hours, but lately he has seemed distant, and I don't understand why. I'm afraid I am pushing too hard. I don't know how not to though. I am interested so I don't want to abandon the idea of us getting together, or at least us becoming better friends. Monday, he made the comment that I should not want him to be more interested in me than I am in him. I asked him if he felt I was toying with him, and he asked me if I was. I said no, of course, and he said he didn't think I was. Now I kind of feel like I should wonder if he is toying with me. I don't know what his intentions are. And, again, he has been distant. I am at a loss.
If something does development between J and me, I am not sure what to do about A. I still love him, and it can't last between J and me since I am going off to college. At one point, I did mention to J that I have a friend with benefits (God, I hate that term, but I guess it is what we are). That was before J showed an interest in me. I did not go into details about it, and he has not asked since. Did he forget or is he just ignoring that? I can't imagine him forgetting that. Maybe that is acting as a deterent now. I don't know. He knew though, and proceeded to show quite an interest in me for a while. Now I've no clue what to think. So yeah...not sure what to say about A or what to do there. Arg. I'm so confused, and I am sure I sound it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.