Torn!! Help..whats right??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2002
Torn!! Help..whats right??
4
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:44pm
Hi all,

If you all remember me, i was in a 2yr relationship with my X, and i was on here constantly asking for advice. I finally let that relationship go, and now i have been dating someone. I am 20 years old, and trying to find out what i want in life, in a partner..etc. I have been switching majors, and basically trying to find whats best for me. This new guy im dating is real sweet, and he knows all about value, respect, and hardwork. He is 23, but grew up very quickly. He is from Cuba and when he was 12, his father and him escaped on a raft to come to USA, they got picked up by the coast guard and spent 8 months in a prision camp. Finally they got permission to come to the USA, and once they arrived his father and him got seperated. (his father was an alcoholic). He spent the next 3 years in foster homes, and finally at the age of 15 he stayed with one family. He's had to do everything on his own, he has no help with money..etc. For what he's gone through, he is pretty responsible. Has a new truck, pays all his bills..etc. But he basically lives paycheck to paycheck. Now here is the issue: My parents, like any parents, want their baby daughter to have security in life. They want me to be with someone who can take care of me, who can support the family. This guy im dating works in construction as a foreman, but is not going to school. My parents believe that we will be struggling all our life because he will never have a college degree. Whereas i will. My father's other point, is if we were to ever get married, family can help out alot. But since he doesnt have one, my parents will be the only ones to help us get on our feet. I know what my parents are saying, cause its true. If i am going to be attending USC or UCLA, they dont want me with someone working in construction and no college degree. But i see the other aspect- If he treats me right, is that more important? What do you all think? Should i keep the relationship up?

THANKS.
Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:57pm
As you put it, you are 20 yrs old and deciding what you want in life. At this moment in time, I don't think you are currently thinking about getting married, so why worry about all these things that are stressing you and your parents. Just go with the flow.

The one thing I will say is this: I am a successful 30 yr old and married to a self-employed landscaper. While he is successful as well, money is sometimes tight on his end, which makes him and ME stress. We are able to pay our bills, etc., but I sometimes wish that he had a more stable job to give us both more security. We are considering starting a family later this year and at this point I think he would be that stay at home dad and I would be the homemaker. Now granted I would not trade him in a million years, but you asked and I you might want to hear how it can affects someone down the road. Sometimes when you are young, you don't think how these factors will affect you later in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2002
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:34pm
O yea, theres another aspect.. I want to get married, i want the whole shindig (cake, flower, ceremony..etc). On the other hand, he doesnt. He doesnt want marriage, but wants to live and be together with one person for the rest of his life, but not deal with the legal and emotional hassel of marriage. He says since he has no family, there would be no one there to support him and see him get married. I told him if it made your partner happy, just suck it up and do it. He doesnt see himself being able to do it... ??
Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:21pm
There is a red flag when a guy says that he doesn't want the legal and emotional hassel of marriage. Honestly he is a product of his parent's development and unfortunately it is not his fault, BUT he can change all that by taking responsibility. What if you were to get pregnant, would he not want a birth certificate for your baby b/c it comes with too much emotional and legal hassle? These are the things you have to think about now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 4:28am
Oh yeah, huge red flag.