Totally Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Totally Confused
3
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 6:16pm
I need some help on this.

For the past 8 months I have been torn between two men. One man I have been with for 4 year. We are best friends and I worry about him not being in my life if we were not together as a couple. We have a good relationship. About 1 year ago we talked about marriage. He had been married before and he indicated he was unsure if he wanted to be married and thought we would always have seperate places.

Then, another man become interested in me. I have known him for some time and was always attracted to him. His interest in me shocked me though as I thought he was only interested in me as a friend. He is married and his wife knows about us. I think we would leave his wife but I don't want to be responsible for that. However, I am so attracted to him and do care for him a lot.

Now, my signficant other has changed his tune and wants to get married and commit.

I hope this doesn't sound too horrible but it is tearing me up inside!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 8:55pm
I can relate to your situation, from a different perspective. I am a married man who has fallen in love with someone new. I would probably leave my wife if the opportunity came up. Right now, I am trying to build the marriage as much as possible. Also I am praying daily for direction and guidance from above. I can't deny that I would be heart broken if she married the guy she is with (though really not in love with). But I think its just my own human selfishness. I turned her down, initially, in favor of doing the right thing (staying with my wife). I can't express the yearning and hurt that has consumed me since that decision. I know that I hurt her feelings when I showed interest, then backed away. Hopefully, she will see one day that I was trying to stay true to my nature despite falling head-over-heels in love with her (at first sight). If you have the opportunity to follow your heart, take it. Often times this leads to tragedy, but it is because we have to become vulnerable to really love and be loved. Don't stay with a sure thing if its mediocre. Keep praying and be patient.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:52pm
Thanks devonpaul.

I really really care for the "sure thing" but can't help that I love talking to this other guy as well. I know he does love me and I have tried really hard to stay away from a relationship with him. I know one day he will probably not want to put up with my indeciveness. I back off yet don't want him to back off. It is crazy!

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can't believe what I have done. That I would entertain and spend time with someone else that is not my significant other. I can't seem to figure out if I am not in love or what??? How can I want to spend time with someone, not want them to back away, yet not so easily walk away from the relationship I am in? I know I am not being fair to either of them. I am afraid to make a wrong decision...so I make none. I have been waiting for something to tell me what to do. It just hasn't happened.

Is has been one of the most difficult times in my life I think. Boy I sure do like seeing this other guy. He is married and I have tried to keep that in mind but he is so open with his feelings for me and has been up front with his wife on where is heart is...you just can't help not care for him. He has been more honest in some respects than I have!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:33pm
I can't believe how closely your situation resembles mine. I actually sighed myself to sleep for weeks because of my heartache over her. I want to express the deep feelings that I have for her, but I'm afraid she'll think me a lunatic. I have to go, but look forward to more conversation. dp