is this true love or just sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
is this true love or just sex?
5
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 4:55am

Hey...
I'm 25 and I've never been in a serious relationship. I'm always working hard and have issues about commitment so all my encounters with guys have been just about friendship and/or sex... I've never been in love before but I'm starting to think I am now. I've been sleeping with this particular guy on and off for almost 2 years. In the beginning when it got a bit too serious for me, I pushed him away. But the sex was so amazing, the physical part soooo intense that we ended up sleeping together again. He's the only guy I open up to physically.. the only guy who makes me cum.. the only guy I fantasize about, the only one I cuddle with, want to sleep over etc.

I've ignored this for as long as possible but I can't stop thinking about him. Even now, when I'm ready for a relationship, I'm thinking about him constantly. He's still around.. calling me, wanting to have sex.. but he never offers anything serious. When I realized I had feelings, I told him and pushed him away but he came back.. wanting to see me.. etc...

If this was real we would be in a relationship by now right? But why cant we move on? He had a gf and was still calling me.. missing me. He broke up with her last week.. I had a bf and broke up with him...
What do I do? How do I know if its real or just sex? Help!!!! I want him soooo much.. even if he's just holding my hand... sex doesn't matter, I just want to be with him... How do I know if I'm in love??? Is it just physical??? Why can't we move on...

trishella

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 7:10am

Hi trishella,


When you told him you had feelings, what did he say?


In many cases, when a relationship starts with casual sex, it never goes past casual sex. You ask why you can't move on... that's a question that ultimately only you can answer, but from the sounds of it you're having a great physical connection and that's always hard to leave behind. I would say the same thing for him. He keeps coming back because the sex is good. That's something that has happened to many of us.


You have two options here

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 7:23am
When I told him I had feelings I also said I needed some space to think about it... So he didn't talk to me for a week or so, then came back strong.. wanting to see me, telling me he ended it with his girlfriend, etc... But he never mentioned feeling anything... said he loved the sex but has never said he loves me... I need to end it completely as you said, but I'm not sure I can. I'm supposed to see him tonight. He's like a drug to me... how do I stop when he makes me feel so amazing?? And what if he's the only one who will ever make me feel that way??? trish :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 8:41am

I think it's just sex on your part. Why? Because your entire post about him focused only on the sexual aspects of him. You said nothing about his personality, desires, ambitions, fears, etc. Which is fine for it to just be about sex. Unless you start confusing it with something else -- which it seems you are.

In my opinion, it's very hard for a woman to sustain for a long period of time a purely sexual relationship without getting attached. But, unless a man compliments all your needs (emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and yes, sexual) it's not a good attachment.

Perhaps you should take a step back and analyze your relationship with him to see what is really holding it together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:31pm

Well, when I read the subject line without having read the post, my intial thought was "if you have to ask, it isn't love." After reading your post, my initial thought is still the same.

I agree with the last poster in that your post was focused entirely on the sexual/physical aspect of things. Though you said << I want him soooo much.. even if he's just holding my hand... sex doesn't matter, I just want to be with him.>> ... you mention nothing of what he does for you other than sex. Being "in love" is loving a person's character, values ... at the root of the relationship is a bond of friendship ... love requires trust, respect, appreciation, acceptance ... which mean that you truly have to KNOW the person's character, values and what they stand for ... and know that those things compliment your own character and values.

I think what you've described is loving the "feel goods" that he provides ... you may even be in love with the IDEA of being in love with him ... since he was otherwise involved with someone else, as were you. But, that isn't love ... loving the 'feel goods' is lust, it's infatuation ... and being "in love with the idea of someone" is often an obsession. Which is by no means "love."

You may want to visit the "love addicts" board where you can gain some insight on the unhealthy and often obsessive qualities associated with being "in love with the idea of love" and how those obssesive and/or fantasy-based relationships can keep people stuck and unable to move on.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:39pm

Well, it's definitely lust, don't know about love at this stage. Do the two of you have more in common than an enjoyment of each other's bodies - do the two of you do other things together, confide in one another, share details of your lives, etc.


there is an attachment, obviously. do you and he want to give it a try - to date as well as sleep together. You should both make a decision about whether or not you want to devote time to getting to know one another and seeing if there is more there. Perhaps if he wants to do this as well there should be less of a concentration of sex to allow for other sorts of connections.


Good luck

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