trust and jelousy, advise please!!!
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trust and jelousy, advise please!!!
| Mon, 09-12-2005 - 5:26pm |
I almost don't know where to start. I have so many questions I hope you will be able to help me because I don't know what else to do. I have been in my current relationship for almost 8 months now and I am totally at a loss. I don't know what to do or even if there is really a problem at all. This is my first real relationship so I am new at everything that is happening and don't know how to properly react in any situations.
First of all there is my trust issue. When we first started dating I had a gut feeling that he was cheating on me but whenever I asked him about it he told me he wasn't and that I was paranoid. Well when we were on vacation I decided to read his text messages when he was in the shower and found that someone was messaging him calling him sweetie and things like that so I freaked out. After he lied and told me nothing was going on I was confronted by my friends who told me that he was still together with another girl and so I called and talked to her and we went to his house together and confronted him. He said that he had tried to break up with her and she agreed that he did try and she wouldn't let that happen but on a technicality they were still together when we started going out. So I dumped him but like a week later we were back together because I was miserable without him and I had really strong feelings for him, and he told her in front of me that he wanted to be with me and not her and he wrote me numerous e-mails telling me that he knows he was wrong and that he will wait for me how ever long I need because he really felt that I was the one for him and he said that true love overcomes all. So we are back together and have been for quite some time now however I now have problems with trusting and/or believing him.
Whenever he gets a call or message I automatically assume that's its another girl and when it is my heart stops. I don't know what to do but no matter who he talks to I think he is cheating on me. I know he has female friends but I can't stand when he talks to any of them because my mind automatically goes to thinking he's cheating again and I cant take it much more. To make matters worse I know the passwords to all of his e-mail accounts so I check in sometimes, well I actually check in almost every day to see if I can find anything. There is one girl who I really really don't like him talking to who he says is just a friend but he sends her e-mails telling her how cool she is and how he's so happy he met her and he said "too bad I'm so old JP" (because he is 21 and she's 17). And he is always asking her when she's free because he wants to hang out with her.
To make matters worse the other day he told me ha had been invited to a dance by his friends sister, well it turns out that his friends sister is none other than the same girl he has already been talking to. I'm not sure how to react to this. In my heart I hope that it is totally innocent but I can't help but think that it might be more.
He talks about our future and tells me every time I think that he's cheating on me, that he loves me, he reminds me that hes with me all the time and he has already found his ideal girl. He wants to get married and everything but I even have reserves about that. He was with an ex of his for 2 years, after one year she got a promise ring (which I got after 6 months) and he had an engagement ring made for her that he was going to give her on their 2 year anniversary. Unfortunately he got hurt by her dumping him on their 2 year anniversary and then found out that she had cheated on him with 5 diff guys. Its not that I don't want to marry him, I truly do love him with all I have to love with, I just worry that since he was in love before and wanted to get married to her that I'm not special to him, just another girl to propose to.
We are always together and he hates being away from me but sometimes when I'm in class he will make plans to hang out with his friends. I am always telling him to hang out with his friends because friends are very important however one thing bugs me. Whenever I do anything with friends and family he is with me and if he's not there it's because he didn't want to be, I always invite him. Whenever he does anything with friends of family he doesn't seem to want me around. With family it doesn't bother me as much but one thing I want is to be able to be friends with him and his friends but he doesn't really want me hanging out with them and it makes me feel that he is ashamed of me or something. I mean whenever he runs into someone he knows he doesn't even introduce me I jus kind of stand awkwardly behind him until he's done talking to them. I have told him how I feel about this and he told me he doesn't introduce people he never has been good at.
I don't question his love for me because I can feel it. I just don't really know how to get over my jealousy and trust issues so I can actually appreciate how strong it is. Laity I haven't even enjoyed making love because so many things are in the back of my mind that I am almost afraid to let his love in. I don't want to loose him but he deserves to be treated better and trusted. at least I think so. Can someone please help me? I don't want to go on like this but I don't know what to do.
First of all there is my trust issue. When we first started dating I had a gut feeling that he was cheating on me but whenever I asked him about it he told me he wasn't and that I was paranoid. Well when we were on vacation I decided to read his text messages when he was in the shower and found that someone was messaging him calling him sweetie and things like that so I freaked out. After he lied and told me nothing was going on I was confronted by my friends who told me that he was still together with another girl and so I called and talked to her and we went to his house together and confronted him. He said that he had tried to break up with her and she agreed that he did try and she wouldn't let that happen but on a technicality they were still together when we started going out. So I dumped him but like a week later we were back together because I was miserable without him and I had really strong feelings for him, and he told her in front of me that he wanted to be with me and not her and he wrote me numerous e-mails telling me that he knows he was wrong and that he will wait for me how ever long I need because he really felt that I was the one for him and he said that true love overcomes all. So we are back together and have been for quite some time now however I now have problems with trusting and/or believing him.
Whenever he gets a call or message I automatically assume that's its another girl and when it is my heart stops. I don't know what to do but no matter who he talks to I think he is cheating on me. I know he has female friends but I can't stand when he talks to any of them because my mind automatically goes to thinking he's cheating again and I cant take it much more. To make matters worse I know the passwords to all of his e-mail accounts so I check in sometimes, well I actually check in almost every day to see if I can find anything. There is one girl who I really really don't like him talking to who he says is just a friend but he sends her e-mails telling her how cool she is and how he's so happy he met her and he said "too bad I'm so old JP" (because he is 21 and she's 17). And he is always asking her when she's free because he wants to hang out with her.
To make matters worse the other day he told me ha had been invited to a dance by his friends sister, well it turns out that his friends sister is none other than the same girl he has already been talking to. I'm not sure how to react to this. In my heart I hope that it is totally innocent but I can't help but think that it might be more.
He talks about our future and tells me every time I think that he's cheating on me, that he loves me, he reminds me that hes with me all the time and he has already found his ideal girl. He wants to get married and everything but I even have reserves about that. He was with an ex of his for 2 years, after one year she got a promise ring (which I got after 6 months) and he had an engagement ring made for her that he was going to give her on their 2 year anniversary. Unfortunately he got hurt by her dumping him on their 2 year anniversary and then found out that she had cheated on him with 5 diff guys. Its not that I don't want to marry him, I truly do love him with all I have to love with, I just worry that since he was in love before and wanted to get married to her that I'm not special to him, just another girl to propose to.
We are always together and he hates being away from me but sometimes when I'm in class he will make plans to hang out with his friends. I am always telling him to hang out with his friends because friends are very important however one thing bugs me. Whenever I do anything with friends and family he is with me and if he's not there it's because he didn't want to be, I always invite him. Whenever he does anything with friends of family he doesn't seem to want me around. With family it doesn't bother me as much but one thing I want is to be able to be friends with him and his friends but he doesn't really want me hanging out with them and it makes me feel that he is ashamed of me or something. I mean whenever he runs into someone he knows he doesn't even introduce me I jus kind of stand awkwardly behind him until he's done talking to them. I have told him how I feel about this and he told me he doesn't introduce people he never has been good at.
I don't question his love for me because I can feel it. I just don't really know how to get over my jealousy and trust issues so I can actually appreciate how strong it is. Laity I haven't even enjoyed making love because so many things are in the back of my mind that I am almost afraid to let his love in. I don't want to loose him but he deserves to be treated better and trusted. at least I think so. Can someone please help me? I don't want to go on like this but I don't know what to do.

In all the guys i have ever met or been with he has been there for me and showed me he cared more then all the others put together. When i think of my future i see him in it and when i try to see myself with out him it tears me up and brings me to tears just thinking about it. Not only has he accepted me for who i am he has never once tried to change me. I have health issues that cause for habbits most guys would run from but he has never once made even a comment about them. He tells me how much he loves me, he shows me how much he loves me and through surgery he was the only one there for me. When im in his arms or with him i feel safe, comfortable and happy, i feel like im lucky to have finaly found someone who loves me and doesn't care about any of my flaws or bad habbits because im too important to him for little things like that to bother him.
I also cant help but feel that this is partialy my falt. I have always had trust issues that stem back from my childhood, i was a morbidly obesase child/teen so i have had nothing but insults and hurt in my past, i have even gone to palm readers and ora readers who can sence i have an emotional block up, growing up i thought if i never let anyone in i couldn't get hurt and i havn't been able to get rid of that. The reason i think he is cheating is because i have low selfesteem that makes me think that, even tho he tells me im the best for him, he could do better than me so that must be what he is doing.
He also had a realy realy realy bad and tramatic childhood, everything from little to no family life, to an older man sexualy abusing him up untill he was 14.
I know it may sound like im making excuses but they are realy good excuses. I dont want our relationship to end. he is the most important thing to me, the only reason i wake up, he made me realize that i am worth something and i would honestly be dead if he wouldn't have come into my life when he did.
I hope you can look at the good and give me your opinion on the relationship as a whole because i know he loves me and i know i love him too, i just need to know what we can do to make it so our pasts dont ruin our future.
Hon,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this... but I hate to say it... In my opinion, it sounds like he is playing games. He is not making you a part of his life and he has some shady things going on.
I'm not sure if you're looking for us to say he's ok. Or to leave... All I know is that my sensors are going off with this guy. I dunno girl. I'm not going to say to break up with him, but I would really question what's going on.
Sorry... I hope this doesn't hurt. Just saying what I'm seeing.
Keep us posted.
I can relate to your situation, pretty much completely. I think your boyfriend needs to be rebuked. I realize you feel gratitude to him for caring when no one else seemed to. However, you have to recognize that you have value as a person and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I know it can be hard. I had come to the conclusion that because of the way I am due to my past, present and probably future, people are always going to abuse me in some way. Even so, that doesn't mean that I should gratefully lap up small tidbits from my SO. I'm not saying demand anything from him, just set limits. If he respects them, good, but if he doesn't, give him time and space to "repent", old word but still good. I broke-up with my bf for three weeks because he was being inconsiderate and uncaring, which believe me was still a big improvement on the way people had treated me in the past. At the end of the three weeks, I felt compelled to write him a letter telling him what I thought his problems were in a kind way. He told me I was way off but his behavior improved.
You may have to repeat processes like these several times, learning as you go. People with traumatic pasts seem to invariably relive them again and again in some way. It does sound like he really wants you and I can understand your desire to keep the relationship going. My advice is to stay on your toes. My experience is that people only treat me as good as I let them. If I feel bad about myself, they will, too, and vice' versa'. Even well meaning people get tired of trying to reach someone who let everything good that happens to them roll off them like a duck's back. You may need the ability to receive your blessings, and so may he. Perhaps you can learn together. Best Wishes!
I think your boyfriend has given you good reason to distrust him.
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