trust and the other personality

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
trust and the other personality
1
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:29pm
I am hoping someone out there can give me some advice.

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year and a half. We have talked about marriage (he mentions it often) and that we are happy to be in love with one another and have a very special bond.

However,

In the early part of our relationship he continued to reach out to ex girlfriends and online dating services. (He never cheated on me physically, but there was something about him continuing to look around and to talk to his exes in a very friendly way that really upset me) We've worked through those trust issues, and i realize that for us to move forward i have to let go.

That being said we are now in a long distance relationship. We have it very lucky, my commute is only 4 hrs and I am with him 3-4 days most weeks. When i'm here he is happy, he makes me feel loved and things are fine. But when i leave he becomes distant, and looking at his computer i found that he might still be reaching out to online services for companionship. How can i trust him?

More importantly, I am about to take the LSAT next week, and have a lot of stress in my life as i prepare to take this very important step for my career. I have asked for his support as i go through this stressful time, and often when i call him stressed out, unlike the way my friends react with support, he says he can't deal and that he's sorry he's not as strong as i am to help me through my stress while he has his. Even last night as i was studying he called me to ask about an important work-related problem he was having and i put my studies aside for 5 minutes to comfort him and advise him. Afterwards, he was much more receptive to me, but i feel like if its just something i need him for, he's not there until he needs me.

The difference between when i am with him and when i am without him is so drastic we spoke last night. I said i didn't want a relationship where every time i left he felt differently about me (something he had implied by saying that when i leave he sometimes thinks its just easier....) and he said its not that, its that when i'm gone he doesn't deal with stress very well.

I am going to be studying law soon, finishing my thesis, and doing a lot of very important and stressful things in my life. If he is unable to deal with this first crisis (which is very minor all i've asked is that he let me vent or be there if i need support) how can i even think about marrying this man? And more importantly, how can i trust him if I feel that he will always turn to others when he is alone???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:58pm
justbwhy....

You might want to argue this advice in a courtroom...BUT...Pianoguy thinks you need to make LAW your priority...and put LOVE on the 'backburner', at least for the moment. YOU can't juggle career and the b/f...and face it...the career IS your priority right now.

Besides you'll never be 100% sure about your b/f's actions during the times you're in "the student courtroom!" You can't monitor him and make a career case for yourself, can you? AND PLEASE...forget the marriage idea entirely---with this gentleman. He's not ready...and you certainly aren't either!

Pianoguy