trusting friendship or baiting me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
trusting friendship or baiting me?
7
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 7:44pm
When I moved to town, people said I should ask this guy about the music scene and who to take bass guitar lessons from. So I did and he offered to teach me even though he said he doesn't know much about it as he plays lead. We meet weekly in his office at work and things get "interesting" each time. Last week he told me he was worried about me being alone and sad since I moved. He told me we are friends and I can tell him anything. He gave me his number and email and we email frequently. His messages have now begun to include his sexual fantasies - many of them "kinky". He'll send one with some fantasy placed in the middle of "idle" chat. Then his next message will be ordinary. Last week he held my hand up to his to see the size difference, then held out his other hand and I put mine there too. He asked if I was embarassed by him and I said a little. He felt I was cold, and took my forearm and placed it over his, using his other hand to softly stroke my arm. Later as we were talking about our stiff muscles in the neck, he leaned forward and lightly put his hands underneath my hair on my neck. I had told him 2 weeks earlier that I liked to be touched there.
He has been telling me thru email of his fantasies of being dominated by a woman. My question is - why is he telling me all of this? Does he feel like I'm not judging him since I haven't run away yet so he feels like he can talk to me about stuff? Is he testing the waters to see if I will make a move on him? He has said he fantasizes about me. Is he just playing with my mind because it gets him off?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:32pm
Yes, it does sound like he's testing the waters but it sounds more sexual than anything else. Do you like this guy or want more than just sex from him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 9:52pm
This is the sort of embarassing part. He and I have talked about our sexual pasts and he knows that I'm pretty repressed in that area. I fantasize that he could "teach me some things" about myself and about what men like. I have issues that I need to work through and don't want to drag them into a "real" relationship with someone who I could potentially be with long term. Hence, if he would be willing to help me out, both understanding that there won't be a long term relationship between us but hopefully we can still play guitar and talk to each other in the office, this would be an ideal thing. However, am I just dreaming and that could never work out? I'm sure he won't get emotionally attached, but I might. But if I could improve my self confidence and springboard forward to date guys that I have a romantic attraction to and potential future with, it would be worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:32pm

No need to be embarrassed luv, we all need sex. ;o)


Now the bigger issue is whether or not you can stay detached. I hear where you're going and there is nothing wrong with a purely sexual relationship so long as boundaries are determined and agreed upon by both. If you fear you will fall for him, then tread very lightly because that will hurt.


I would take some time to think this out and really think about if you are the type that can keep your emotions out of it. It really only works with someone who you could not see yourself with...


Hope that makes sense. Let us know what you decide.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:10pm
I think he wants to work through his sexual fantasies with you. If you are game...go for it. If not, find a new friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:26pm
It definitely sounds like he wants you to turn some of his fantasies into realities. it's up to you to stop this. or he's gonna keep going, it seems...or at least insinuating.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 2:21pm
I took some of the bait that he has been laying out over the past 2 weeks. He came into my office Tuesday like a kid a Christmas wanting to know if I read his email. I said no, I've been working. He said read it, so I did, and he wanted to know what I thought, then something about writing like Hunter Thomas. He said go home and read it again. In the middle of the message it was about his fantasy of being locked in a steamy bathroom with a domanitrix wearing something vibrating with a barstool and handful of vaseline. I think I see what he's getting at. He mentioned coming to the office halloween party as a transgender girl looking for a lesbian lover, wanting to be a boytoy/girltoy. So I took these images and did what he's asked me point blank to do more than once - write a steamy email to him. I concocted a story taking place at this party where this chick (obviously me as I name the part of my leg he's told me he admires)sees him in his skirt and heels and runs her hand up his leg and under his skirt adn then leans over towards his face. I write that he wants to take a closer look at what she is wearing under the tight little dress. etc. But then I write that he has imagined it all, but then feels a brush against his leg and he gets up and follows her outside . . .
He didn't answer this email.
He came in today at the normal time we chat and we made some small talk. Then he mentioned that he convinced his wife to come to the party. Then after a bit he asked about the previous email he'd sent, if I had read it again when I got home and told me to look up the Hunter Thomas guy. He then said he thought about cc'ing me on a similar email he'd sent to one of his friends, but didn't know if I would want to hear all of that stuff. He then posed against the door and stared directly at me - I tried to stare back and not back down.
So I'm thinking the bringing the wife thing is a subtle message saying I don't really want to act out my fantasies with you, I just enjoy typing them down and I send them to everyone.
But then again, he mentioned earlier that his wife has a thing for her best friend and they were going to do a 3 way but they got too drunk and it didn't happen and he was disappointed. Maybe he was testing my reaction to the mention of his wife? Before he came into my office, I heard him pacing for 10 minutes in the hall outside my door. Maybe he was just reading bulletin boards, but maybe he was playing with my head, letting me hear his boot steps. I just can't tell what kind of game he's playing and why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 2:45pm

He has a wife, let him be.

I don't know what kind of game he is playing either, but do yourself a favor and quit playing along.

He's creepy.