Truth to nice guys finishing last?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Truth to nice guys finishing last?
10
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:10am
Hi board,

I post every blue moon but try my best to keep up. Anyways, I had a moment today in which I thought long and hard about a particular subject that kept bugging me. Is there any truth that nice guys finish last? Let me explain a little...

There is this girl that I am interested in; very interested. I was told that she also shared some of the similar feelings as well. Upon hearing this, I acted on it, and began to pursue. We hit if off fairly well, actually really well. Anyways, I wasn't so smart to ask her for her number, but instead gave her mine by writing it down and leaving it in her phone. I later found out that she thought it was cute. But here is where the situation happens that got me thinking. I canceled my plans for the evening because her and our friends were supposed to meet and do something. It was her idea so I figured this is a sure thing to see her. Well, later I find out she bailed. Thats not what irks me.....

I have been to every girl that I come in contact with or in a relationship with. But everything seems to backfire. I know it's impossible to point out exactly what I am doing wrong, but I guess I don't understand. Maybe it's because when I become interested in a girl, I like to be a gentleman and put forth effort into making it (relationship/dating) work. I am just looking for opinions/advice. Thanks!

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:28am
There is nothing wrong with being a gentleman. My advice would be to maybe not "show" QUITE so much interest when you meet a woman you like. This doesnt mean to appear uninterested but if you have previous plans...keep them! A woman who is interested in you will still be interested in you the next night...you know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:43am
Bratgirl2002,

Thanks for your input. I think it's because I get a little anxious when some share an interest with me as I do to them. I always said that my one downfall could very well be that I am too nice. I should probably take that down a notch, but of course not look uninterested, like you said. :-) It's just hard, I have only been in one serious relationship in which I was "left for dead" basically and I don't want to feel that hurt again. But I know I have a lot to offer, just looking for someone to share it with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:16am
Hello. I think it's safe to say that whatever is "backfiring" or "going wrong" is not the fact that you are a nice guy, or acting like a gentleman. If that's who you are, I would certainly never consider doing anything less than that as some sort of strategy to start a relationship. Be yourself, always. And if that means being a gentleman and being considerate, kind, giving, etc. -- good for you! I would guess that you just haven't met the right woman yet. People can be great and have all sorts of good qualities, even come to love one another, and still not be right for one another. It takes a LOT to be in sync for a truly happy and healthy relationship to develop. Above all, the feeling of rightness has got to be mutually felt, and last over time.

My husband is a truly nice guy: giving, sensitive, considerate, kind, dependable, responsible, etc. I asked him your question about nice guys finishing last and this is what he told me... He wondered the same thing over the years while he was dating. But, he decided to hold out for the right woman and it just so happened in HIS life that he met her (me) when he was 40 years old. That might seem discouraging to people much younger who don't want to wait that long, but the point is that he is now very happy and so glad he didn't settle years ago on less than what he was looking for. If he had, he wouldn't have what he has now today. He feels the wait was well worth it, but that's just his own opinion. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:02am

I don't think it's possible to be "too nice."

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:29am
First, make it clear what your intentions are.

What you're doing is making alot of assumptions....just because someone finds your interest in them appealing doesn't mean they want to date, or have a relationship, or even meet up.

Nice guys usually finish last because they're so concerned with making everything "perfect" for the girl, and they stop pursuing their own friends and goals when they start pursuing her....that they only actually catch girls who want to be prioritized, rescued, saved, and provided for...and once they've gotten what they want from you - they're off with someone else, with everything that you gave to them to help them get his attention.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:30pm
I really have to remember to thank the lady who talked me into reading my first Cosmo and finding this messageboard. You gals are the greatest with advice... and free too :) I wish I had found this site long ago.

In my re-entry to the dating scene I have learned that women seem to really like confident + funny guys, and there is alot to avoiding wimp syndrome like the ladies here mentioned. Just remember that the dating process is supposed to be fun and even if you don't feel the magnetism required to fuel a long lasting relationship - is making a few more friends (who have other female friends they may want to set up) really that bad a thing ??? Better than watching some crappy reality TV ....

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:02pm
Hey hopeless...how are things going with you and your new datemate?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:33pm
Thinking that nice guys finish last and wondering what you are doing wrong is thinking negative when you should be thinking positive.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:42pm
Thanks for the info tgowens! i have printed it out and will read through it, easier that way.

Well back to my dilema. I am not exactly looking to jumo into a relationship. Like what owens poseted, I am interested in the getting to know you stage (stage 1). Also, I am not trying to be over-zealous with her, heck I don't have her number so I can't make a call. They way we met and hung out is through friends (same set of friends between her and I) and we usually all hang out once a week (that too me is not "seeing her too much"), and like I said, I gave her my phone number. I wasn't a call immediately or if at all. My friends said she thought it was "cute" etc. And don't worry about me leaving my friends and canceling all my plans to work around her schedule. I am very busy with my career and as well as school. It was just last night, she offered up this idea, but later backed out of it. Too me that seems flakey when last week we hung out together we had a great time. Maybe I am just reading too much into this, but like with everything in life for me, I hate to miss any opportunity or possiblities.

We plan on all meeting tomorrow night (usual night is thursday night) and if she backs out of that, I may just take that as a sign. Who knows, I could be totally off the mark, but at this point, I can't do much about it, unfortunately.

Thanks for all your inputs! As a guy, I have come to repsect the ideas/advice/info on these boards. I think I have learned a lot through talking with you all than anything just short of actual experience. Thanks and please keeping sharing your ideas! :-)

-B

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:11pm
Glad it was of some help!