Trying Again... Keep Dating or Move On?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Trying Again... Keep Dating or Move On?
5
Sat, 12-28-2013 - 8:14am

I come here any time I attempt to date because I don't think I'm very good at it Embarassed

As I near the big 4-0, my perspective on relationships has changed a lot.  Life changes has helped me relax the proverbial "list" and make a solid attempt to get to know someone and have a good time.  I've also released the "pressure", so to speak, of the mad rush to the altar and procreating.  Rather, though a committed relationship would be nice, I don't necessarily need marriage, and I've pretty much resolved that kids probably aren't in the cards for me, and I'm OK with that.  In fact, the older I get, the less I want them.

That being said, I no longer view every guy at the potential "one" which relaxes us both, but because I am past my "good time" days and want more than a physical relationship, I tend to move slower in that area...which brings up an interesting dilemma.

I have gone out a few times with a guy (another younger one...what's with these young men wanting seeking out older women?) that I have known for a couple of years but never thought to date because we're 7 years apart.  We've had a good time and get along well.  We have lots of similar interests (AND he loves dogs).  On our second "date" I was honest about where I stand on relationships and kids.  I told him that I'm not on a mad dash to the altar (nor am I certain that I WANT to get married), and that I am almost 100% sure that I don't want kids.  He seemed OK with this, but on our date last night he stated that he wants 3 or 4 kids someday....

That made me think about why we should even continue to date with such differing views on something that major.  Part of me thinks to relax and go with the flow.  If I were looking for a casual, FWB type relationship (Is that what he's looking for considering we don't have the same long term goals?),  I would let it go, but I do want a monogamous relationship--sans babies.  It then made me think TOO much.  This guy typically dates older women... wouldn't it make more sense for him to look for younger women that have the time and energy to chase around 3 - 4 kids?

Since neither of us is remotely emotionally invested, should I move on?  I really don't think I want chldren at all.  Or should I just chill out and have a good time (which seems like a waste of time to me...)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-28-2013 - 10:56am

I think that the detriment to you would not be that you are wasting your time (because if you don't care that much about getting married then why would it be a waste of time?) but that you would end up falling for him and then he would break up with you  when he thinks about it more and realizes that if he wants kids, he'd be better off going with a younger woman.  I'm 56 and I have a male friend who is 48 and has never been married or had kids but he still would like to do that so he goes for much younger women--I think he's kind of delusional and it's not going to happen.  His dating life doesn't seem very successful from what he tells me.  But I would go out with him if he wanted to just because I'd enjoy the time for what it was and realize that we probably won't end up together long term.  Could you do that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 12-28-2013 - 11:30am

Your last sentence says a lot!  Having a good time is a "waste of time"?  Your second paragraph says you're learning to "chill out and have a good time"!  Then your third paragraph says you're "past your good time days"!  Isn't life about enjoying and having a good time?   I think that you don't know WHAT you want! 

You're not very good at dating?  Then stop dating, because that can only lead to having "good times" which is totally conflicting for you!  Have you thought about just being a part of a group.......and spending time with "friends" instead of "dating"?  Find yourself a group, some sort of "club" or "class" that interests you.  A "travel" group, or some kind of "volunteers".  There will be like minded people there, that you can become friends with.......and lo and behold, you'll meet MEN......men with the same interests and goals. 

You're working way too hard to accomplish what you tell yourself you really don't want........a relationship and good times.  Let it go, and just find yourself something that interests you or makes you feel good.......the rest will fall into place, IF you let it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Sat, 12-28-2013 - 1:01pm

I'm not sure.  He's a REALLY nice guy and we have a lot of fun together.  I could see myself falling for him (which is why I'm keeping the top on the honey pot for now), and I worry about even allowing myself to fet emotionally attached to someone that already has a good reason to leave...

Too much thinking, huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Sat, 12-28-2013 - 1:09pm

I'm an introvert and don't do well with groups.  I opt more for smaller, more intimate settings and have failed at attempts to fit into group settings (round peg, square hole)...

And for some, LEARNING to chill out and have a good time is quite the task.  Maybe I am a bit of a walking oxymoron, but I don't want to just have a sexual relationship (which is what I mean by "good time").  Since I want something more meaningful, I am going to have to date.

Call me old fashioned, but I'm sorta over the whole hook-up first and see what happens later scene.  I'm not wired that way and I end up feeling used and hurt.  Thus, I am focusing on getting to know someone first before setting unrealistic expectations (the whole "The ONE" nonsense) or hopping in the sack.  That's what I call DATING.  I'm not good at it yet, but I'm willing to work on it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 12-29-2013 - 9:26am

No, I don't think you're overthinking things. For a relationship to be successful for the long term, you have to match on major goals. He wants children eventually and you don't. I wouldn't get involved with someone like this who I know cannot be a potential lifetime partner. I would have that discussion with him. Tell him if it weren't for that point, you'd give it a go, but you don't want to fall for him and have it be a temporary relationship when he decides it's time to start his family. Good luck.