turning a fling into a thing...
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| Sun, 01-07-2007 - 5:44pm |
at a house party, i hooked up with my friend's friend: we were very drunk and ended up in a serious makeout session overnight, but did not have sex (or any form of it).
A few weeks went by, when he texted our friend indicating his interest in me - and since then we've met at a group thing, he's asked me out to a work party (which i did not attend)and before the xmas holidays we went to the movies together, after which we got drunk and did everything but "it".
i've been away for xmas, but have communicated online with him a little bit. he definately wants to see me again and i am pretty sure he fancies me.
but my problem is it feels like we're dating, but not admitting to it, or rather neither of us know what exactly we're doing. each time we meet, We get drunk and do stuff that we really shouldn't be doing at this stage of the courtship, like we're just messing about.
But then again, the movie was definitely a date, even though we didn't call it that. We had a good 2/3 hours conversation before we even kissed or did anythign near to romantic.
right now, when he leaves me messages online, he's very guarded, he just asks how i am - but does not say he had a good time last time we met (but then again neither did i).
i have decided that i cannot be "friends with benefits" - it's just not my thing. i'd like to "date" him, properly, but i don't know for certain he'd want that too (he's a boy after all, no?)
How do i approach/ask him abt what he thinks this is? I want to clarify to him what i want. we've definitely started off on a terrible footing (blame the college drunken hookup culture, not me!) but i want to veer it onto a more conventional track.
my friends have said asking him outright what he expects is not a good idea. Help please?

I would wait until he asks you out again (on a proper date, not to hang out at his place or whatever) and then when you are together, ask him what type of relationship he's looking for, in general, to see if you're on the same page with what you're looking for.
I don't see an issue with asking directly, as long as you make it clear you're not asking what he's looking for with YOU. It's too early for him to know that. But you need to find out if he's open to a dating relationship, or if he's just looking for a casual hookup type thing or what.
Sheri
i totally agree with the first reply message. there is nothing wrong with asking about if he is open to a dating relationship. one thing every woman should learn is to refrain from making assumptions about what a man wants. you have to ask and there is a way to ask if they are open without looking desperate or nuts.
i am in a similar predicament. we did go all the way but there has never been a real date so maybe that my situation is not that similar after all.
anyway, my friends advised stating what you want -i.e.-i expect to date you and get to know you that is what i am seeking right now. it puts you in a position of power to state what your terms are and he can decide if he wants to date or jsut hook-up.
You do need to communicate - say you're uncomfortable with the way things are going, you're uncomfortable with the hook up nature of how things are going between you and you'd feel better if you backed up and went on more traditional getting to know you dates before really getting physical. It's better to get things out in the open, let the chips fall where they may, then continue doing some things that makes you uncomfortable.
Well,
since I first posted, i have now returned to the O-town. I decided to text him the day i got back (we've never texted each other before) but the content of his texts were not exactly as suave as I hoped for.
His also posted me messages online, in response to me accusing him of only messaging me when he's drunk (he always needs liquid courage for him to express his feelings).
I also saw him yesterday, at a group thing. Neither of us got drunk, nor kissed, nor went home with each other. We sat next to each other most of the time and chatted which felt really good. It was only when we were leaving, when we had a split second to ourselves, that I asked him, well, when are you gonna take me out again? And he was like well that's exactly what i was about to suggest. I told him he should call me, and gave him a heads up abt my busy schedule and he gave me a huge hug and kept asking if i'd had a good time (he meant had I enjoyed his company).
But the best news yet is that one of his guy friends told our mutual friend that he talks about me ALL the time.
The problem right now though is that when it comes to romance - he's a complete buffoon! The content of his texts and messages plainly suck - i think he thinks he's being smooth but he just ends up sounding dorky or stupid.
I know i can take the reigns when it comes to suggesting stuff, but is that advisable? For a girl to be the one always make the suggestions, or to be too plain about situations. I'm so used to being the coy girl and the guy being able to take hints and make good decisions or knowing the appropriate thing to do or say. He's so excessively shy/dorky and the complete opposite! I like the idea of HIM caling me, sending the first text./messages - but so far he hasn't, but when i've made the first move, he's always responded positively back. But I'm sick of being the first one to do anything!