Twice my age!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Twice my age!
16
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 6:48pm

Ok, here's is my dilemma: I have recently started seeing a guy. He's great, we have fun, have tons of chemistry. It's going very well so far. However, he is twice my age. I am 20 and he is 42. And just to add icing to the cake, he works for the same company I do. First let me address the age issue: I have been told by many of my friends and family that I am quite a bit more mature than most girls my age. I run with an older crowd of friends (25-30 yrs old) so coming from them, that means a lot. I have a great career already started so I literally living in a grown-up world. So it's not really a suprise to me that I have formed friendships and, now a relationship, with someone so much older. But as great as it is and even though we get along great, I find myself really stressing about the age difference. I can't seem to get any constructive advice. And the more I think about the fact that he has had a whole life (literally!) before me, the more insecure I feel. The work issue isn't technically issue because there is nothing in our employee guidelines about inter-office dating. And I don't think anyone would be fired (our CEO met his wife at work) but I feel that if people found out i would not be taken seriously- as his girlfriend or as a colleague. I expect people to think a number of things already. "She is just after his money", "He's going through mid-life", "She's just arm-candy"....I've thought about them all.

If anyone has any solid, constructive advice or has dealt with this kind of situation, I would greatly appreciate a little insight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 9:26pm

Tough situation, especially with work mixed in.


Ok, let's start there... let's just say a relationship was formed and things didn't work out. Would you be able to deal with having to see him at work every day? And if it did work out, would you still want to work there?


Now... as for the age difference. You are correct, he has lived a long life. Has he ever been married? Are there children involved? What common ground do the two of you have? Why are you attracted to him? You don't necessarily need to answer those questions here, but they are ones you should think about.


Relationships take a lot of work and when there are outside circumstances such as age, it can impact upon them greatly. So can you get over the age issues and just be with the man? Would you be proud to call him your boyfriend?


Some things to think about and maybe the questions will pinpoint your thoughts more. Feel free to share further though.


Hope this helps.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 11:20pm

I've thought alot about those questions. He has been married (i think I would be worried if he hadn't.) There are kids involved. He has two and one is not much younger than me (ouch).

To tell the truth, when I first met him I had two impressions: 1) He doesn't look 42, and 2) He is an arrogant ass! That was my opinion of him for a long time.
I think my perception changed when he invited me and a few co-workers out for a drink and every else had obligations so we went together. We just kinda hung out. And talked. And he got real for a minute, I guess I saw something there.
We share the same sense of humor, there are never any awkward moments and we just mesh well.
I'm attracted to everything about him: his looks, the fact that he has his life together, his taste, and even though I'm not a big kid person, I like that he is a good father.

My friends like him and I'm very proud to have him on my arm. The only other thing is if we were to get serious (I'm way jumping the gun here), telling my family (especially my mom ) might be hard. But that is thinking way in the future. But as a woman I have to prepare myself for that I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 11:10am

ashleyb 3292...

Pianoguy was struck by the last paragraph of your post....concerning your friends, your mom and the fact that you're "proud to have him on your arm!"

I think you need to re-examine this?

Are you in a relationship/friendship situation based on what others are telling you...or BECAUSE IT BRINGS YOU A GREAT DEAL OF PLEASURE?

I'm sorry there are 'naysayers' out there who feel that AGE should always be an issue. But face it...they AREN'T involved in the relationship....YOU ARE!

Whether you're comfortable or not with a man who is twice your age, has children by a previous marriage, and will probably acquire habits that you won't completely understand (as he matures) should be the only factors to consider when it comes to sustaining or terminating this (or any future) relationship!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 3:28pm

I see what you mean.

I shouldn't really care what people think about he and I. But everyone (in any relationship) thinks about who supports their relationship. It really hurts to not be able to talk or express your feelings about someone to people that are close to you.

I'm not sure what you mean by "because it brings you a great deal of pleasure." Are you asking if I genuinely like the guy? Because that I know is true.

I would never be ashamed of him. With my family, I guess I feel like it would almost be disrespectful to get serious with someone they disapprove of. But I guess I won't find that out until further down the road.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 3:47pm
I can relate to your situation in some ways...I am in my early 30s and I am also attracted to an older man who is divorced with older children, but we do not work together, and I think that because of the age difference as well as timing, we will never be anything more than friends...but I can relate because he has it so together, his career, maturity, etc...and he is extremely attractive...but I think that being friends is just what we both need/want for now...but never say never is my mantra...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:41pm

do you work together as well, or are you in entirely separate depts? how long have you been working for the company?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 5:19pm

As a general rule (and this is a GROSS generalization, of course there are exceptions), a lot of older men who date women in their early 20s do so in order to not be challenged by them. They want uncomplicated women...someone who is going to go along with what they want. They don't want someone who expresses strong opinions, makes demands, wants/needs to do things differently than they do, is set in her ways, etc (these are perceptions such men tend to have of women in their own age group). They perceive women in your age group as more easily influenced and molded.

I'm sure you are a mature young women, but is there any possibility this could be a factor in your relationship?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 6:16pm

Let me clarify the work relationship: We work for the same company but not in the same department. He's not my direct supervisor. I'm in retail merchandising and while I'm in corporate, he is in management over our retail stores. I only see him once a week (if that) in the workplace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 6:21pm

I definitely agree. It is a negative generalization but it's true. As I mentioned I have several friends that are in late twenties and early thirties and male and they often mention the fact that most women their age "know better." So they go for the younger ones.

I think part of that may be true in our relationship. I am a little more laid back or mellow maybe than someone who is older and wants to settle down. But then again, i don't hesitate to question his actions or be critical. I don't let much BS get past me. Especially with him b/c he is older and SHOULD "know better."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 7:28pm


Well, looks like you are going to handle this well, whatever comes your way. You have thought different things through, and are prepared. You are not being naive or seem lost. Go with the flow, and see how things develop. Be practical at the same time. Think as far ahead as you can. Age could be an issue, if not handled well. Depends on the kind of personalities both of you have. And you might not even be the same person 10 years later that you are now. I know at 30 now, I am very different from what I was at 20. Never stop thinking with your mind (And I see you are already doing that).

But there must be something sweet and special between the two of you, and even though the pairing is unlikely and will surely raise eyebrows and various comments, if you believe in his sincerity (which hopefully, you will be critical about in your mind) and sincerely want to be with him, and feel ready to take on the challenges, then that is what it shall be. I wish you all the very best.

Regardless oh how well you both get along, I just hope it is not a "passing phase" for him. Just a little doubt that I personally have.

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