To Ugly To Date

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
To Ugly To Date
3
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:57pm
I am turning 40 next month and am one of those unfortunate women who was born an ugly duckling and never became a swan. I have several defects that cannot be corrected by medical means. I grew up ugly, never dating, never got to attend prom or any other dances. I spent my time with abusers and users, because being ugly - well, any attention is better than none. I eventually wised up and quit being with men and put myself through college in my 30s. Again, no dating. After college I finally met a man like myself, homely, never married, no children. I knew he had some problems but he was good to me, and I hoped to be married before age 40. After he proposed, he freaked out on me, presenting me with a pre-nup that was so one-sided (his way) and he was so determined to have full control of everything that I had to back out of our engagement. Of course, he brought up that I'm ugly, and that he was my only chance of ever getting married, that no one else on earth would ever have me. He said I should be thankful for his "rescuing me" and that I should just do as I was told. I didn't, and now I'm alone, uglier and miserable. College didn't help me; I believe my looks keep me from getting top jobs also. I have failed at everything except college, and the older I get the uglier I get. Women who never married by 40 never will - all the experts say so. In a world where looks are more important than money, I feel like I am God's cosmic joke on earth. I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who has problems with their looks like I do and how they cope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:24pm
I believe that everyone has issues with being "not perfect" at one time in their lifetimes. However, you seem to be letting this issue take over your life. You have come a long way, as you put it, but you only see the "ugly" in you. You don't see that you put yourself through college, you achieved your goals, you have a good heart, you're a good person who realized that you allowed others to take advantage of you and you changed, you realized that your soon to be husband was an abuser before the wedding and broke it off...see? there are many positive quailities in you but you focus on how "ugly" you are. This way of thinking will never let you go beyond that: the ugly I am, the uglier I'll get. There are people who are not good looking, have disabilities and still managed to be famous and be respected by what they do, for example Steven Hawkins. I think you're playing the victim and I suspect you did the same with your fiancee. Because of your thinking "I'm ugly, thanks for loving me", he felt that he was saving you and that he was your only chance. Don't ever believe that, he might have told you that out of anger. Stats are just stats, don't see life through them. What you should do is focus on your positive issues and make a life out of them. You might attract a different type of guy who'll see the good in you and not the ugly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:24pm
I'm going to have to agree that you are focusing too much on the negative and not enough on all the positive things you have done. I think that if you can focus on those positive things your outlook will change and you will attract those around you to your positive energy.

Sounds like the guy you were with is 100% a jerk and I'm glad you didn't give in and marry him. He said those hurtful things because he was mad and knew what would hurt you as you had hurt him. Some people are like that.

I really hope that with a different outlook you will find someone who you can fall in love with. I wish you the best of luck!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:33pm

I am truly sorry you feel this way about yourself, hon.

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