ultimatum of the century

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
ultimatum of the century
7
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 6:17pm
Recently my boyfriend of nearly four years expressed his intention to marry me to his mom. His family does not speak openly about feelings and his mother became very upset. My boyfriend (M) asked his family to please accept his decision to be with me and be glad that he has found happiness. His family refused to accept the news and laid down an ultimatum. His mother and grandmother used his loyalty to their family to guilt him in to picking between being with me or continuing to be welcome as part of their family. I was astonished. I cannot believe any parent would put their child in such a position. My boyfriend and I are in our late 20's and are both attorneys. I am smart, pretty, and come from a wonderful family. Moreover, we love eachother. I am not sure what this woman hates so much about me? When asked all she could say is: you two aren't right for eachother, he is settling, he is just comfortable because he's been with me for so long, and I make her uncomfortable. My boyfriend has never had a serious adult relationship before me, but has dated a lot and his mother has never liked any of the girls he has brought home in the past (by the way he is the baby of the family). At the thought of never seeing his family again and the consequences of this ultimatum the man I love so much turned in to a conflicted, jumbled up mess. He was so devastated he cried to me for 3 hours the night it happened, he decided not to take a very important test for our career, and he secluded himself for 2 weeks by calling off work. During this time he stopped communicating with me, his friends, his co-workers, and his family. He has now come out of the funk and is at least going to work. Needless to say this situation is tearing us apart. A part of me loves him so much that I was willing leave and spare him from having make such a difficult choice and the other part of me wanted him to fight for us and to pick me! M says it is a decision he can't bear the thought of either way but he believes his family means business and as it stands now, I am on the losing side of this battle. I have lost a lot of respect for him over the last week due to the bad choices he has made, his inability to take charge of his life and stand up to his mom, and his avoiding of the problem by cutting everyone off and retreating in to his own miserable, depressed world. What should I do? Can this conflict be resolved?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 6:26pm
It's really a decision only he can make, give him some time to work through this, it's him mom doing it to him after all... that has to be really tough. I would suggest to him (if he were asking) to talk to his other family members. If his mom says he's out of the family, is that it? Will siblings, his father, etc. all go along with it seriously? Does the rest of the family think she REALLY means it, or is she just bluffing to get him to dump you?

If he won't pick you, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he does, he's going to need lots of support to deal with the wave of problems its causing his family. You probably just have to give it some time and watch how it plays out. Tell him you love him and will be there for him if he wants you to be. Then wait. Although you don't want to add to his stress by giving your own ultimatum, it would be unfair to make you wait too long to make his decision. If he doesn't decide soon, you might have to make your own decision to leave.

If I were him making this decision, I hope I'd realize my mom is never going to like anyone I bring home and I would marry the person I knew in my heart I wanted to marry.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 6:31pm
If he picks his family and not you, that should tell you something. In other words, he values his family more than you.

So maybe you are better off without him. I feel for you and please don't think that you are the one at fault. He has issues. Move on and count your blessings that you found out about just how much his family has control of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 7:04pm
Look......people that are complete, secure, self-aware and self-responsible can hear that "ultimatum" and go "okay"...and make a decision. Realizing they're going to lose one or the other and being okay with that.

They'll make the choice of who to lose (not who to stay with based o benefits and ease) based on the issuer of the ultimatum. Someone who's never liked anybody he brought home, who issues that as a threat doesn't have HIS best interests and well-being at heart - and a secure, mature, rational, realistic, self-aware person would know that.

And while it owuld hurt...feelings are a reuslt of situations.....he'd accept that he can't live his life based on his mothers expectations or demands and move on.

He's not mature, rational, secure, self-aware or self-responsible...he doesn't want to lose either of you (understandable) and his coping mechanism is to withdraw from life - hoping both of you will come to terms, and leave him alone about all this.

Quite likely he's capable of dating you ad finitum and provided he doesn't marry - he doesn't lose the option of his familial benefit and support. In which case, you've got to decide if permanent dating, no commitment or cohabitation, is something you want to deal with.

But only immature people believe that "no choice" means they "didn't choose sides". No choice is a choice...it's the choice to try to selfishly hang onto everything and everybody becuase of insecurities, fears, and lack of self-aware and responsibility.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:39pm
Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it. To answer your question I believe his mom is bluffing bigtime! I really think this is a test to see just how serious he is about his feelings for me and perhaps a sick way to determine how much she still means to him. He has talked to his brother and sister in law, who are not in agreement about the situation (they just want us to be happy) but they are trying to stay out of it. His Dad has said he is "very sorry" and that's it, he pretty much goes along with whatever mom says.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:44pm
Thanks! I appreciate the response and the honesty. True, he does have issues. He has decided to see a therapist about all of this and I think that is a great idea. I realize it is not my fault but still wonder what if anything I could have done differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:03pm
Thank you for the response. I agree and think this ultimatum is ridiculous. I think his mom is trying to test his feelings for me and her power over him at the same time. It is difficult to understand because I know my parents would never put me in this sort of situation. I have a really open relationship with them and if they hypothetically did something like this to me I would say "forget you" and do what I needed to do and hope they would come around in time; Or would be in their face trying to find a way to fix the problem and not let them cut me out. Like I said before I am disappointed in his inability to make a choice and stand up for us.Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:50pm
"I realize it is not my fault but still wonder what if anything I could have done differently."

This is not remotely about you. Trust me! It's not about anything you have done, or didn't do. It is about HIM and his unhealthy entanglement with his family. This has been an ongoing problem with him, it sounds like. And he probably has never stood up to his mother, and so she knows she can tell him what to do and he'll do it. It is not healthy. It would be one thing if he were 18 and under this much parental influence - but in his late 20s, he ought to have become his own person by now. He ought to take his parents' advice into consideration, certainly, but not let them rule his life.

I agree with the others who said there is nothing you can do now. The choice is his. Don't accept anything conditional. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. I hate to say it, but based on his reaction and the fact that he's STILL this entangled with mom in his late 20s, I expect that he will buckle to mom's pressure and either stop seeing you or want to continue dating but not get married. In which case I think you should walk away.

I had a co-worker several years ago who dated a man for 4 years, and it was a similar situation. His family adored one of his ex-gfs and always thought they would/should end up married, and he was so afraid of disappointing them that he didn't even tell them he was dating my co-worker for the first 3 years of the relationship! This was the only issue they fought about, and the relationship ended over this.