Unfamiliar situation....What Do I Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Unfamiliar situation....What Do I Do?
8
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:29pm
Hey and thanks for reading and sharing any and all advice. I recently met the "man of my dreams" through a good male friend. They are roomates. The only problem was when we first met he was and is still technically married....they have been seperated for 2 yrs. He has remained very faithful to her and has tried everything to no evail. So I kept my distance even though there was obvious attraction. However, they filed for divorce a couple of months ago. I could not resist one night when we were all hanging out and I told him how I really felt....this blew him away and he admitted his attraction to me as well. We spent quite a bit of time together over that weekend (two ago) just talking mainly, all the while me telling him I would not put him in any compromising positions and him expressing his desire to be faithful until the end. Even the fact that he was thinking of me bothered him. I find this a huge quality of his. Meanwhile I totally fell head over heals with him. I swear he felt the connection too. We did allow ourself a 5 minute cuddle that was for the most part innocent. Upon leaving I left him a note apologizing for any additional grief I caused him....and telling him I had enjoyed our time together all be it frustrating and stated that maybe in the near future 20 days when it is final that maybe it would be easier for us. I ended it by saying call me anytime. That was a sunday....on tuesday I had not heard from him...afraid he might not have received the note (I wonder about sabotage from the roomate friend of both of ours...who has admitted attraction for me but also says he approves of the two of us if that happens......too add a little more drama...yikes!) So The following Tuesday I called and left him a message on cell saying I was just checking to see how his week was going and to make certain he had my new cell #. Still more than a week past that phone call no reply. He is not the type to be cold and cruel. He is very considerate. My dilemma is mainly I wish I knew how he was feeling. If he is not calling because of the temptations and his convictions. Or did he just get a bad vibe under the circumstances. All the while our mutual friend says he is just having a really rough time with the divorce and that he has not talked about me at all with him. I feel like I should continue to give him his space...but it is so hard.....If I only knew that he was still interested and just cant talk to or see me until the divorce was final I would be cool with it and counting the days....Otherwise I am tormented because I feel something so strong for him and like I said received it back from him.....on a mental level as well as physical. So long story short too late......Does it seem he is just trying to do the right thing?......Do I leave him alone completely......send him a card? anything or just wait it out and see what happens once the divorce is final...I just want him to know that I really do care and really want to spend more time with him in the future.....Thanks again for any help you can give me....I need some serenity here!!!!!!! Cheri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:08am
Look, divorce is having all your dreams, hopes, desires, efforts, sacrifices, and goals smashed against rocks like a ship in a stormy sea - with you flailing in the cold, dark waters without a liferaft while thunder and lightning reign down on you.

the guy is in no way shape, form or fashion prepared to "find another mate"...he wont' be for a good long while. Till he assesses where HE went wrong int his marriage, in his chioce of a mate...and until he re-established his personal identity.

And from the sound of it, the guy has either a) morals, values, and ethics and so he's going to permit himself dalliances, temptations, or opportunities that distract him from his "individualization"....while living up to his obligations and responsibilities in full or b) he's got "issues" that cause him to follow rules trying to get results without assessing situations factually or with his goals nd needs in mind.

So either way - leave it alone. The guy is not prepared to meet needs, to share himself with anybody else. He's at a point where he needs to assess, to review, to spend time in redefinition and re-emergence of his individuality, while playing the roles he must, and finding joy in life's situations both good and bad....because he becomes happy, successful, secure by his own definitions that have nothing to do with a relationship, possession, position, appearance, or status.

What the guy is prepared to do is "rebound" - which is in the pain of his life that is overwhelming he reaches out for comfort, assurance, support, and care...gets it, gets more emotionaly balanced, individually identified and then says "thanks for what you offered, I really needed it at the time but an objective review says we're not right for one another." And so he moves on.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:29am
Cheri,

I know you really like this guy, but now is not the time. You have told him how you feel about him, you need not do any more. This guy is not over his relationship with his wife and probably won't be for a while. They have been separated for over 2 years and during that time he has been unable to move on and accept they split. No, he's been pining away for her the whole time. You do not need that, and he does not have the ability to have a new relationship right now. Just because the divorce will be final on paper in a few weeks does not mean that it will be so easy for HIM. You do not want to be a rebound, because rebounds never work. Go and date other people and leave this guy to heal. Maybe in a year from now he will be ready to date someone, but I wouldn't count on anything right now. You will not help him to get through this, so don't think you have to save him or anything.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 3:02pm
Thank you Erin for making me hear what I already knew......another twist is that I am just coming out of the inevidable rebound relationship with the exact results predicted. My fear of being hurt like I have hurt this person is very clear at this point. It is still very hard to deny my feelings for this man. I must find strength to not pursue this any further. I am trying very hard to establish a healthy emotional state for myself and clarify my own identity. The rebound relationship I feel hampered this. It is tough,lonely, and depressing.....but this I know I must do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 3:12pm
Thank you as well Alison for confirming the general consensus on the matter. I will repeat it is very hard to think with your head and not your heart in a situation like this. I will pray daily for strength to do the "right" thing here. My big question is ......are all relationships not rebounds? One must end to begin right? I suppose there could be a fine line. Like I told the other who responded, I am just ending what one would consider to be my rebound after my divorce. I was married 15 yrs. Seperated for 6 months before I met my "rebound". Actually dated before divorce was final.....big mistake. I know that now. We dated for a year......he was pushing for marriage and I ran for the hills. Arghhhhh, I am so confused right now. All I can do is pray for strengh and guidance daily. Something is definately missing in my life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 9:46pm
Cheri, don't call or send cards anymore. He's not calling back because he doesn't want to/feel like it. He might have found you too needy with the note and the call. Leave it alone and see if he calls back. If not then cross it out as a learning experience. Hard to swallow, I know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:29pm
UPDATE............last friday night the roomate called me. Soon after we started talking HE was in the background saying let me talk to her. So we did....we had some good laughs, he asked me to come over but UNFORTUNATELY I could not at the time. He then updated me on his divorce day...they are planning a CORR party when it is final. He stated he was dissapointed that I could not come over. I suggested if they were getting into anything to call me the next night......no call (boo-hoo) Meanwhile I have tried and tried to rethink this, and have decided that if he does call and the opportunity presents itself for us to spend some time talking alone that I simply want to be honest with him and tell him that I understand where he is in his life and I do not want to be the rebound person in hopes that once those days have come and gone there will be a chance for us to start fresh in another capacity. I still cant express the emotions I know both of us felt over that weekend. I guess I am a hopeless romantice and feel like that if we go about it right and give him his time that when the time comes we will be together. Trust me I know all about the rebound stuff I just did this very thing to the guy I dated for a year after my divorce. And NO i do not want to be this person! No fun at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:09pm
Alison,

You said, "rebounds never work."

I believe this statement... for myself. However, watching others I have determined that sometimes, rebounds do work.

Two cases in point...

An ex from a few years back was engaged within a year after splitting up with me. He cheated on me, married the girl.

A friend is now married to a man she met while her divorce was not final. She and her then husband had been separated for a year at that point... she never really took the time to "find herself," she hopped from one relationship to another. She even dated her then husband's best friend for a short while. She met her current husband after her ex told her there was no chance of getting back together... it was he who initiated the divorce.

Granted, I don't know what is going on behind closed doors. Still, I find it perplexing that supposedly rebounds don't work, many have said that, yet people somehow manage to move on while in the rebound state anyway.

How do people do that? Thoughts?

Again, I know for me rebounds don't work, but I have a difficult time believing that as an absolute.

And as for the original poster of this thread and her situation... I say... seems to be my motto these days... drop him. He's not worth thinking about.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 4:38am

Yes, I am afraid that I agree with the other post. You are heading for a heart break if you pursue this. This guy will need time to heal after his divorce--sometimes it takes litterally years to heal. If you guys hook up--you will be his rebound relationship. Nothing but trouble this one is--I'd move on--no matter what you are feeling--maybe look him up in 6 months or something. He will probably be (after he heals) sewing his oats (going out with alot of girls) for awhile when he starts dating again anyway--that's just the routine a guy usually takes when single again after a LTR.