Unfamiliar territory: Back to dating after LONG term relationship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
Unfamiliar territory: Back to dating after LONG term relationship!
19
Sat, 10-19-2013 - 1:18pm

Hello everyone-

My name is Kat, I ended my last relationship of 6 years in November of last year. It's been a good time away & I'm def. moved on but now I feel like a fish out of water as I haven't actually ever "Dated". The past relationships were all initaited by the man. I have had random flirts but never really saw anyone as a potential partner until about a month ago. It was a man who's good friends with a girlfriend of mine that I just recently started getting closer to. She always talked about him & said he had been in a dating rut, trying to find someone for a while & that I should hook up with him. I kept pushing away her vibes but then just recently I spent some more time around him as I was helping that girl with her upcoming wedding & since he was the grooms best friend & best man, I spent a few days in close contact with him.

A few things then happened. At the wedding my other friends were pushing for me to go ask him to dance because "he was obviously into me". By the end of the night we finally ended up dancing together which was really nice but brief. We didn't talk much & when it was time to head in (the wedding was on a property that we all spent the night at), I hugged him before bed & said "thank you for dancing with me". He didn't say much after that, I think it took him off guard..

That wedding was back in September, almost a month ago now. We've had very little interaction, most of which I initiated. Recently I realized we both had subscriptions to Match.com & after a few drinks one night I randomly sent him a message that just said "OH wow it's you!! We're so predictable". I have no idea why I said that, I don't even know what that means but I guess I just wasn't thinking. I saw he read the message but never replied on there...

I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what to do now. My friend keeps saying "Ask him out" but after these few little hints of mine & not much response, I'm afraid to do that. Like I said, I'm new to this whole idea of dating so I don't know if I'm just being crazy or what. He is slightly younger than me (I'm 28, he's 26) which worries me too. The fact that he hasn't called me, texted me or emailed me back makes me feel like he's just not that into me. My friend swears he's just a little socially awkward & busy (he has a lot going on right now) but I'm starting to feel rejected.

Does any of this make sense? Am I just crazy? 

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Yes it does.  Many men are socially timid.   Yes ask him out.  But start thinking of what you want to do career wise and socially..  Are you looking for a friend,a FWB, just to have fun with?   There are a lot of things you can do just to get into the swing of things.  I suggest not concentrating on any one person but looking to enjoy being single and live with yourself.   Dating is not necessary for a relationship.  However running to another relationship without taking time to enjoy freedom is inadvisable.  "Date" several  at a time do not get trapped into serial dating.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think women just make so many excuses for men.  The guy is 26 & on a dating site--how inexperienced could he be?  It's not like he's 16 and never asked a girl for a date before.  Possibly he was embarrassed to be found on a dating site.  I have had that experience with people I knew.  Where does your friend see the guy?  At work, socially?  Is there any way she could subtly find out if he has any interest?  I had a friend do that too openly and it really embarrassed me.  It just seems the signs really aren't there that he's interested.  I mean, you're together at a wedding, people are usually drinking so they open up and he even danced with you, but he hardly talked--don't you think that would have been a good opportunity to get to know each other?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
I totally agree, I have given several opportunities to him to open up with me. At the wedding he did a little, we were around each other the following day helping the couple on the property & he paid little attention. There was such a build up to this because my friend was consistently telling me that I should talk to him, that he was a great guy, that he sounds just like me when he laments about not having a girlfriend. She made me think that it was just me, that if I gave him a chance it was a shoo in! Then when I start to look at him that way after the wedding experience & realize that maybe I AM into him, I start noticing that maybe I was wrong & this isn't as easy as I thought it would be. We texted a little, but when I told my friend that he was shy with texting she just said "He's been burned a lot with texting with other girls"...so I think okay, maybe he's just shy. Then when we get an opportunity to go out, it passes by without us dong anything despite talking about going out for it. But then on my birthday, he randomly texts me & says he was sorry he missed it, that we need to hang out soon & made me think he liked me again....I feel like such a little girl!! But you're right, it feels like these are just signs that he's just not too interested. If he really did have an interest in me, why does it seem like he's avoiding interaction? I know it's possible for people to be timid, but he IS on a dating site that he obviously uses..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
Xxxs, I wanted to respond to your comment too..part of me feels this way that you describe & I had thought about calling him, straight up (instead of these texts & emails, etc) and just saying that I wanted to apologize if I took him off guard with that random email (I mean, I can't believe I said "Oh it's you...wow...we're so predictable!". I mean, what does that even mean? I can see how someone can take it the wrong way...but would I be crazy to come right out & do that, see what he says, and leave it at that? I feel like that's the only way I can stop torturing myself wondering "what if?"..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You know what I think is funny sometimes when one of your friends is in a relationship?  They will look at it like oh, here's a single man & a single women, close in age--they are just meant to be together, like that's all you need for a relationship.  He probably is a nice guy & you are a nice woman, but there are tons of nice people--there have to be things in common for people to be compatible.  You can't always just throw 2 people together & they will automatically become a couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Since he has a way to contact you, if he was really into you, he wouldn't let that opportunity slip away. I've never once had success in being the one who makes the first move, even if I thought the guy was into me by flirting and other signals. I should've known that if they had the confidence to flirt with me, then they could've asked me out if they really wanted to. Whatever the reason he doesn't ask you out (baggage, interested in someone else, or not that into you) is something you'll never know, and you need to just let it go. If you're ready to start dating, try meetups.com or join a co-ed sports team or a gym, etc. Good luck.

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012

Speaking as someone who grew up with 3 brothers, and who has 2 sons, and works around men, it's my experience that lots of them don't get subtlety. You may think you are dropping very obvious hints, but he is missing them. Try saying exactly what you mean.

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012

Deleting duplicate post.  Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
Safire that's what I was thinking..he has my number, we've only communicated a few times (a few texts, one quick phone call when i was coming in to town) but that's about it...so I'm feeling like you're right, why would he not reach out by now? And Slah, that's the thing that throws me off...i know men who just are blind to women who I've seen completely misunderstand a woman's hints...oh this is why I hate dating!
Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
What would be the worst that could happen if you asked him out and he said "no"? A little bit of embarrassment maybe but at least you'd know. I had a mentor who once told me "if you don't ask, the answer is always no".

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