Unfamiliar territory: Back to dating after LONG term relationship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
Unfamiliar territory: Back to dating after LONG term relationship!
19
Sat, 10-19-2013 - 1:18pm

Hello everyone-

My name is Kat, I ended my last relationship of 6 years in November of last year. It's been a good time away & I'm def. moved on but now I feel like a fish out of water as I haven't actually ever "Dated". The past relationships were all initaited by the man. I have had random flirts but never really saw anyone as a potential partner until about a month ago. It was a man who's good friends with a girlfriend of mine that I just recently started getting closer to. She always talked about him & said he had been in a dating rut, trying to find someone for a while & that I should hook up with him. I kept pushing away her vibes but then just recently I spent some more time around him as I was helping that girl with her upcoming wedding & since he was the grooms best friend & best man, I spent a few days in close contact with him.

A few things then happened. At the wedding my other friends were pushing for me to go ask him to dance because "he was obviously into me". By the end of the night we finally ended up dancing together which was really nice but brief. We didn't talk much & when it was time to head in (the wedding was on a property that we all spent the night at), I hugged him before bed & said "thank you for dancing with me". He didn't say much after that, I think it took him off guard..

That wedding was back in September, almost a month ago now. We've had very little interaction, most of which I initiated. Recently I realized we both had subscriptions to Match.com & after a few drinks one night I randomly sent him a message that just said "OH wow it's you!! We're so predictable". I have no idea why I said that, I don't even know what that means but I guess I just wasn't thinking. I saw he read the message but never replied on there...

I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what to do now. My friend keeps saying "Ask him out" but after these few little hints of mine & not much response, I'm afraid to do that. Like I said, I'm new to this whole idea of dating so I don't know if I'm just being crazy or what. He is slightly younger than me (I'm 28, he's 26) which worries me too. The fact that he hasn't called me, texted me or emailed me back makes me feel like he's just not that into me. My friend swears he's just a little socially awkward & busy (he has a lot going on right now) but I'm starting to feel rejected.

Does any of this make sense? Am I just crazy? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
So the saga continues everyone, listen to this update. So after my last post about being okay with letting things go, I did just that & moved away from the whole situation as I felt it was necessary. I got the hint that maybe he just wasn't that into me, which was fine. I was just on vacation to see my friend a couple states away (who I have a very complicated relationship with, that's another whole story) & while visiting her, he randomly called me. Keep in mind we haven't talked since our random texting a few weeks ago & the last time I reached out & he didn't answer the phone, I let things go. The first thing he said was that he wanted to apologize, which threw me off. He said he was sorry that he had been flaky, that he wasn't trying to ignore me but he just got busy with things & time slipped away from him. I told him it was no big deal & then he referenced the missed call he had from me. I told him it wasn't anything really, just was calling to say hi. He admitted that he had started "talking" to someone a little bit before our intereactions which makes perfect sense now, and was something I had thought might be going on. He made it sound though like that wasn't really going on anymore, but then again I could be presuming. I still left the conversation very open ended & light, didn't give any kind of notion that I was majorly attached or hurt by his lack of communication (afterall we barely even talked anyway or really knew each other). It was such a random reaching out that I don't really know what to make of it, so I'm going to continue to play it low. Just wanted to share that randomness with all of you! Men are just as strange as we are! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I had a situation earlier this year when I met a guy at a dance and then he asked me to go to a dance with him (which I assumed was a date) and then we did this other all day dance thing.  I knew his ex GF and she asked me if we were dating and I told her I wasn't sure but that I liked him so when she saw him, basically she told him.  I was mortified because he emailed me & said that he was only interested in me as a friend.  I could have figured that out for myself based on his actions--I was kind of assuming that he wasn't interested since he didn't call me much.  But having it spelled out is just shocking and embarrassing.  It's been a while now so I'm over it but right after that I just prayed I wouldn't run into him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
Yeah if there's anything I do know it is that most men avoid confrontation (or rather, most people even). He's a genuinely nice guy & I know he wouldn't want to intentionally go out of his way to hurt my feelings, and that's fine. I took the hint when he didn't answer my phone call & as I said, if he reaches out to me at some point then that's nice but I'm not going to do anything anymore in pursuit. I also don't want to make things weird for my friend & her husband if he ends up feeling awkward with what I've done so far. All I have to say is, he doesn't know what he's missing! I have a lot to offer & I know there are men out there who will be interested so it's no sweat. I'm glad I called him because it set me straight & I dont have to wonder anymore. Thanks for everyone's advice!! I'll update you if anything changes but I doubt it will!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You have to know that most men will not tell you directly that they aren't interested.  They will either ignore you or make all kinds of excuses (they are busy, etc.).  It's just the way things go.  I think they want to avoid confrontation, are afraid you'll cry or make a scene, etc.--or they are just not polite.

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
I am glad to hear you called. That took courage. Good for you. Sorry you didn't actually connect. As for why he hasn't called you back - if he isn't into you, it is easier to say nothing than risk hurting you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
Well I went for it yesterday, I called him after work to not only confront the whole thing but also kind of apologize for sending the strange message online when I was tipsy (I got on Match.com & saw him on there, sent him a message that said "Oh my god it's you!! Haha, we're so predictable..". I have no idea what that meant). I called, it rang about ten times & went to voicemail. Then I freaked out & hung up, not leaving one. I figured he would call me back at some point, but as of today, I haven't received anything back. Therefore I think now I need to realize that he just isn't into me, which is difficult to take in because like I said, I"ve never had to deal with that before. I was thinking about it all like a crazy person "Maybe he didn't know it was me & since I didn't leave a voicemail blah blah blah" but that would mean he wouldn't have me in his phone, which is crazy at this point so either way, my ship is sinking. Why wouldn't he just tell me or at least acknowledge that I reached out to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

2 yrs age different is nothing--it would be one thing if you were some middle aged woman trying to date a young kid.  My 1st DH was 2 1/2 yrs younger than me.  I never really thought about it unless it was a birthday coming around.

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012

You can do it!  Gather your courage and go for it!  It doesn't really matter about age at this point.  Who knows if it will be anything more than just some fun?  Don't worry about what your friend thinks.  If it pleases you, and makes you happy, that's what counts.  :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2012
I guess I'm just afraid of rejection, or even the idea that he wont outright say that he isn't into me & make me wonder. Or maybe that it's a mutual friend too, don't want to make it awkward. lol multiple things! Ultimately though it's just me being a scaredy cat. So instead I write on message boards for reassurance! I think that if he wasn't younger then me, I'd be a little more eager too...part of me wonders if I couldn't get past that..
Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
What would be the worst that could happen if you asked him out and he said "no"? A little bit of embarrassment maybe but at least you'd know. I had a mentor who once told me "if you don't ask, the answer is always no".

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