Unsure on What to Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Unsure on What to Do?
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:20pm

Four years ago I dated an amazing guy for about 6months before my job moved me to the East Coast. I have always wanted to live on the East Coast; having been born and raised on the West Coast. While the decision to move was the hardest decision I have ever had to make; I made it with the intention of continuing my relationship with him long-distance. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and was not a fan of long-distance. We ended our relationship but continued communicating with each other. Moving to the other part of the country was not easy (I think I cried every other night for the first 6months) but he stayed on the phone with me every night until I stopped crying and made the transition that much easier because of his encouragement and positive energy. After about 9 months of me moving we stopped speaking to each other not because of anything except we both moved on with our life.

Earlier this year I reached out to him on his birthday and every time I've been back West I've seen him for a few hours. I found out, not through him, that he was engaged to be married in May but that relationship ended and he was working through the situation. Last week while I was in town, I met up him twice. Once with him and a few friends and once just he and I. Both times I was reminded of how much I cared about him and the thought of getting back to together with him crossed my mind. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way so I asked him. He said that he wanted to see me again while I was in town because he also was thinking about getting back together. He asked if I was moving back and I said that I didn't have any plans to and that's when he said that he didn't believe this would work between us because neither of us is willing to move. 

I wanted to reach out to him and let him know that I am not opposed to moving back but I wanted to date long-distance and see if we still have the same great chemistry that we did 4 years ago. We've both gone through some big changes in our life (he with his engagement and me with my move) and I think we have changed in some way so want to be sure we are still compatible and this would turn into something long term before I get up and move back. I wouldn't want to move back and then things don't work out between us. I'm pretty happy living out here and have a great job and wouldn't want to give all that up unless I was in a serious relationship. I'm torn on whether I should tell him how I'm feeling and see how he feels about this or if he's already made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to try a long-distance relationship. A friend of mine suggested that I ask him to go away for a few days and see if we still have chemistry rather than sending the email about how I feel. Another friend thinks if he is interested he would have suggested dating long-distance and that I should just move on.

I'd love an objective view and that's why I'm writing this on the board.

Any advice would be much appreciated!


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 12:41am

  IMO don't!  You have a life where you are.  People change a lot in 4 years. It was only a six month dating time.  You really do not know him at all.   Not only that but to leave everything and have nothing but a hope of a relationship is not wise.  Remember that long distance romances waste your life for a unknown.  I would never suggest moving nor having a long distance relationship because it is not real.  In your mind it becomes all good.  In this time in this economy having a job that pays and you like is a true luxury.  While you are in this "ideal" the social opportunities that are around you probably will not get exploited. 

  I strongly suggest you consider him as a good friend.  Nix any commitment. Get on with your complete life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 10:21am

I agree with Xxxs.... i think this is a situation to listen to your head more than your heart. To make it work, you would give up a lot, a job you like, make a big move again... something like that would require a a better assurance , him investing just as much ...As for long distance relationships, they are usually a bad idea, unless, you already had a strong relationship set up before the seperation,  and they have a defined timeframe to them. It is easier for both parties to wait knowing in 3 months, 1year, we will be together.... Sacrfices sometimes do have to be made for love, but in this one definately ask youself if you would be giving up too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 4:16pm

I think a relationship that is that long distance isn't going to work--it's one thing if you are a few hours away, but at the opp. sides of the country?  Realistically how often do you think you could see each other?  And I think the reason that LDRs don't work out is that say you could see each other in person every 6 wks for a weekend?  Of course you would be getting along great--it would be like a little vacation each time.  But it's like fantasy land--the real test of a relationsip is when you see each other often, you get to see the bad times, like people being sick, in a bad mood, etc. plus you spend a lot of time together which is necessary to really get to know someone.  And there are no guarantees--I would not suggest giving up your life & a great job to move back out West because even if the 2 of you go into it positively you don't know what might happen.  You could both be very gung-ho about making it work & it still might not work out and then where would you be?  

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:49am

Unlike the others, I wouldn't be so quick to move on from this. I don't think a strong connection comes along that many times in life--why not see where it goes?

I would suggest letting him know you'd be willing to move back. From there, you could try a long weekend together or agree to date long-distance. I know long distance is hard, but not impossible. The only thing that would be bad is if you felt resentful about leaving a great job. 

I say go for it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 2:00pm

at this point, what have you got to lose by simply running the idea by him? If he's a creep about it, he's no good anyway...tho I doubt that is what will happen.  It sounds like at the very least he is a very good friend, and he will understand you trying to make it work.  It's just a question, and you'll be glad you got it off your chest.