Unsure on What to Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Unsure on What to Do?
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:20pm

Four years ago I dated an amazing guy for about 6months before my job moved me to the East Coast. I have always wanted to live on the East Coast; having been born and raised on the West Coast. While the decision to move was the hardest decision I have ever had to make; I made it with the intention of continuing my relationship with him long-distance. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and was not a fan of long-distance. We ended our relationship but continued communicating with each other. Moving to the other part of the country was not easy (I think I cried every other night for the first 6months) but he stayed on the phone with me every night until I stopped crying and made the transition that much easier because of his encouragement and positive energy. After about 9 months of me moving we stopped speaking to each other not because of anything except we both moved on with our life.

Earlier this year I reached out to him on his birthday and every time I've been back West I've seen him for a few hours. I found out, not through him, that he was engaged to be married in May but that relationship ended and he was working through the situation. Last week while I was in town, I met up him twice. Once with him and a few friends and once just he and I. Both times I was reminded of how much I cared about him and the thought of getting back to together with him crossed my mind. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way so I asked him. He said that he wanted to see me again while I was in town because he also was thinking about getting back together. He asked if I was moving back and I said that I didn't have any plans to and that's when he said that he didn't believe this would work between us because neither of us is willing to move. 

I wanted to reach out to him and let him know that I am not opposed to moving back but I wanted to date long-distance and see if we still have the same great chemistry that we did 4 years ago. We've both gone through some big changes in our life (he with his engagement and me with my move) and I think we have changed in some way so want to be sure we are still compatible and this would turn into something long term before I get up and move back. I wouldn't want to move back and then things don't work out between us. I'm pretty happy living out here and have a great job and wouldn't want to give all that up unless I was in a serious relationship. I'm torn on whether I should tell him how I'm feeling and see how he feels about this or if he's already made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to try a long-distance relationship. A friend of mine suggested that I ask him to go away for a few days and see if we still have chemistry rather than sending the email about how I feel. Another friend thinks if he is interested he would have suggested dating long-distance and that I should just move on.

I'd love an objective view and that's why I'm writing this on the board.

Any advice would be much appreciated!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 2:00pm

at this point, what have you got to lose by simply running the idea by him? If he's a creep about it, he's no good anyway...tho I doubt that is what will happen.  It sounds like at the very least he is a very good friend, and he will understand you trying to make it work.  It's just a question, and you'll be glad you got it off your chest.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:49am

Unlike the others, I wouldn't be so quick to move on from this. I don't think a strong connection comes along that many times in life--why not see where it goes?

I would suggest letting him know you'd be willing to move back. From there, you could try a long weekend together or agree to date long-distance. I know long distance is hard, but not impossible. The only thing that would be bad is if you felt resentful about leaving a great job. 

I say go for it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 4:16pm

I think a relationship that is that long distance isn't going to work--it's one thing if you are a few hours away, but at the opp. sides of the country?  Realistically how often do you think you could see each other?  And I think the reason that LDRs don't work out is that say you could see each other in person every 6 wks for a weekend?  Of course you would be getting along great--it would be like a little vacation each time.  But it's like fantasy land--the real test of a relationsip is when you see each other often, you get to see the bad times, like people being sick, in a bad mood, etc. plus you spend a lot of time together which is necessary to really get to know someone.  And there are no guarantees--I would not suggest giving up your life & a great job to move back out West because even if the 2 of you go into it positively you don't know what might happen.  You could both be very gung-ho about making it work & it still might not work out and then where would you be?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 10:21am

I agree with Xxxs.... i think this is a situation to listen to your head more than your heart. To make it work, you would give up a lot, a job you like, make a big move again... something like that would require a a better assurance , him investing just as much ...As for long distance relationships, they are usually a bad idea, unless, you already had a strong relationship set up before the seperation,  and they have a defined timeframe to them. It is easier for both parties to wait knowing in 3 months, 1year, we will be together.... Sacrfices sometimes do have to be made for love, but in this one definately ask youself if you would be giving up too much

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 12:41am

  IMO don't!  You have a life where you are.  People change a lot in 4 years. It was only a six month dating time.  You really do not know him at all.   Not only that but to leave everything and have nothing but a hope of a relationship is not wise.  Remember that long distance romances waste your life for a unknown.  I would never suggest moving nor having a long distance relationship because it is not real.  In your mind it becomes all good.  In this time in this economy having a job that pays and you like is a true luxury.  While you are in this "ideal" the social opportunities that are around you probably will not get exploited. 

  I strongly suggest you consider him as a good friend.  Nix any commitment. Get on with your complete life.