Update on boyfriend dating add

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Update on boyfriend dating add
4
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 3:31pm
I ended up responding to my boyfriend's internet personal add with a made up name and he responded by putting his picture on an e-mail that said. "I hope I am fit to serve you" When I confronted him on it he said that he was doing it just for fun and that he is a bit of a pervert in that he likes to be kinky and wants to explore. I told him does he w open relationship where we can date others, like take a step back as if we were just dating and not exclusive and he said no. He said that he only wants me and that he thought I was the women he was going to marry. He says he's messed up and likes fantasizing about these things but would never cheat on me. He wants for us to explore swinging and s and m clubs together because he's always fantasized about them but has never done anything about it. I told him I want to see other people while I am dating him to see if we are meant to be together and he said that if I do I had better be good about hiding it because he would be so angry to know I am dating but that he won't see other people. I have also told him until I can trust him again I don't want to have sex and he says okay. I love him so much I want to be able to trust him again but don't know if I can ever do that and I can't leave him. I want him to be inspired to change and not do things behind my back. If he wants to explore, I'd like for us to work on things together and discuss. How do I go about this? We had a trip planned for NEw York where his parents from france are coming ( they adore me by the way) and when I broke up with him he said maybe you can pretend to still be with me, can you do that? To me it sounds as if he's too ashamed to go to NY and meet his parents without me.He told me that with our friends he doesn't want them to know we are broken up but would rather have us be boyfriend and girlfriend in their eyes even though I am dating others and we are not having sex until the time comes when we can trust each other again. I am so confused. I said a lot of mean things to him yesterday.HE was really mean to me too. He says I give him insecurities because I had such a wonderful life with my ex boyfriends who are so accomplished so I guess he has an inferiority complex? Not sure but please I love this guy and though I don't want to be hurt I don't want to leave him either. Someone please knock some sense into me and thanks for letting me vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 3:40pm
You asked to have the sense knocked into you...so here goes...whack!
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:59pm
Definetly going to agree with Wendie here- he's a liar. And manipulative liars do do that, they turn things around on the other person. I have no doubt that if you had played along more and talked with him with the fake persona he would have told you a lot of lies and tried to meet you for sex.

And of course he wants you to pretend you're together, because if you break up he's going to have to explain things, right? I'm sure he'll lie to people and say either you're crazy so he broke up with you or some other untruth. He won't want his friends and family to know that he is a liar and possibly a cheat.

So what should you do? RUN. You want sense knocked into you? How are you going to feel when you do find evidence that he's sleeping around because you suddenly get an STD? If you're being monogamous and he's not, he's opening you up to a lot of disease, even if he's using condoms.

And I don't believe that you should just date other people while staying with him, NO. You should have the right to have a monogamous and trust worthy man. So leave this one to his fantasies and find one who's only interested in you.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:40pm
Hon, you man IS a liar and a manipulator. He says he's got the bug to explore swinging and s/m clubs and such with you BUT never would cheat...well, if he goes swinging then what's that called?...cheating in front of you? The e-mail he sent back to you is probably one of many he's sent before you found out. He's just too low to admitted and manupulates the situation for you to feel bad for him. He is an adult but acts like a child. Let him face his parents and friends alone. He wants to have his cake and eat it too...he can swing and can have sex with you, imagine the STDs!!. Kick him to the curb and forget about this trash of a man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:58pm
Oh, why does this sound so familiar to me? Hmmm...maybe because I married someone I continually caught doing things he shouldn't be doing. He cried (real tears), begged and promised that I was the only one for him. Only when he got caught though. Poor guy...LOSER!!! I wasted 11 years trying to forgive one thing after another and gave more chances than I can even remember. You DO NOT want to end up being with such a deceiving person. His parents loving you have nothing to do with this. This is your life. You only live once.

As much as you say you love him, I think you know in your heart that he is not going to change. You have caught him on the net, he wants to swing, be with other women. He is wanting to appear one way on the surface to his family and friends, and lead a totally different life. And you!! You should keep it all quiet and play along with him!!

Please get away from this guy. I am so happy that I am not in that situation anymore. However, I have to deal with a lifetime loser for 13 more years because I had a child with him. He isn't worth it and it will save you a lot of years of turmoil and heartache.