UPDATE - Please Read, I'm TERRIFIED
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| Tue, 08-08-2006 - 8:30am |
Hi everyone,
Sorry I haven't written sooner, but things have been so crazy after what I'm about to tell you all. I haven't spoken to the guy I've told you all about, but I did find something out that is so disturbing about him that I took off of work yesterday to go to the dr. and get myself tested. I know a lot of you are going to take the same "well jacki, it was your fault for allowing this to happen" approach, and I do agree somewhat, but please, being the situation and my level of fright right now, I have to ask you to go easy on me, because rest assured, I KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG HERE.
Anyway, I started to describe the whole situation to my friend dave, and I was frozen into shock when I told him the town this guy was from and he said to me "was his name ****?" and I said "yes" and he goes "did he drive a "***" and I said "uh-huh"… He knew more about him, and it turned out he did this to dave's ex. I even remember the stories dave used to tell me way back when about this guy. I just didn't know it was him, I mean, who'd remember something like that years later.
Anyway, I found out that this guy was extremely promiscuous, just wanted to play games, and was only out to get laid. Dave also told me after what happened to him he did a google search on his screen name and found him on some porn/gay/etc sites. So I went on and checked it out and sure enough, 2 years ago, he was a member and had a couple of gay members try to be his buddy. He blocked them, but still… He was a member of the "male chests only" club, among many other much worse porn groups. Here's my concern where I'm asking you not to all come down on me too hard because I do know and have complete regret and terror in my mind now, and will for 3 months now:
This guy coerced me to try anal sex with him. He promised he'd go slow with me but then he started to get a little rough. I asked him to slow it down a bit cause I'd never done it before, and guess what he did??? (I'd rather not say it out loud) - but yes, he did it inside me, and yes, he did it without protection. Twice. I am TERRIFIED and MORTIFIED. It's weird, even though I consented to it, I still felt a little violated afterward. Maybe because instead of slowing it down he did something else?? I don’t know. But especially after everything that's happened and everything I've told you, and NO, THIS DIDN"T HAPPEN AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE SPOKEN ABOUT (just so everyone is clear on that) - It happened soon on in the relationship after we became "exclusive" (god even rehashing anything about this whole thing makes me feel ill now).
Anyway, like I said I took a day off yesterday because I couldn't sleep the entire night before. I did try to call the guy only because I was worried about what I had found out and I wanted to try and find out if he'd been tested recently and what his status was (don’t ask me why I did that). He said he'd been tested. I kind of had a hard time believing him because he sounded like he just wanted to get me off the phone, so when I asked one last time he said "listen, if you don’t believe me, live each day like it's your last" and he hung up on me. I haven't spoken to him since and don’t plan on it. Now I'm just terrified that what if I caught something horrible like HIV from him? From someone like him that does this all the time??? I am scared like you wouldn't believe. I've been crying on and off, and the dr. said that it's too soon to know anything about the HIV part. I'll know about everything else, but he said for a more solid result I'd have to come back in 3 months and get re-tested, so I'm going to be living like this until then. Again, please don’t come down too hard on me everyone. I do know what I obviously did wrong here.

I haven't seen your other post, so I'm just going to respond based on this one. Not going to beat ya up, we've all done things we've regretted later. All I say on that point is to not allow yourself to do anything you don't want to in the future. If you learn something from this and then follow it, it will be a lesson rather than a regret.
As for the testing, there really is no reason to worry about it for 3 months and keep youself in this state for that long. The bottom line is you have to wait to know. Why work yourself into a frenzy until you know? Try to breathe. Remind yourself when you're worrying that you'll cross that bridge when you get to it. Do things to distract yourself, enjoy each day.
Other than this advice all I can say is to look into yourself during this time to figure out what made you allow yourself to do things you didn't want to. And when you find that thing, start working on being stronger.
Again, we've all made mistakes. You're not alone in this. Just keep thinking positive and promise yourself that you will treat you better from now on.
Kerry
Well, you've done the right thing by going to the doctor immediately.