Update: Should he call while traveling?
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| Mon, 07-19-2004 - 1:17pm |
He called me around 7 p.m. on Friday (the night he was back for one day) He asked what I was doing tonight, I told him I was going out with the girls to this bar/lounge and he said it was near his place and if he could meet me there. I was polite over the phone but a little cool. He said he could tell I was mad at him. I said I was. I told him he said he would call me from New York, but he didn't. He said " But I am calling you now." I said, " yes, but you said you would call me from New York." He then went on telling me for about 3 minutes how crazy New York was and how he was working a lot.
He said, " I am not a phone person, I prefer one on one in person contact. Don't you prefer that.? I said " I prefer both."
He said he still wanted to meet me tonight because he was flying out tomorrow again until Wednesday. I said if you are tired don't bother coming to meet me and my friends. He said, "But I want to see you".
I chose to let him meet me that night only to have a conversation with him. I could have played off being unavailable, but I just wanted to tell him how he made me feel and get it over with. I was so upset when he called that I did not want him to leave for another 5 days without him knowing how I felt.
Long story short this is pretty much a summary of our conversation when I saw him:
He said: "Are you still mad at me for not calling you from New York?"
I said: "Yes, only because you said you would and you didn't. I understand your job makes you very busy, I respect your dedication and devotion to your job, which is one the reasons why I admire, so I would rather have you tell me you would be busy while in New York and that you would just call me when you get back, versus telling me you would call and not.
"I have to take responsibility in the past when you have told me you would call a certain time and not and I never told you how much this bothered me. You have done this before, tell me you would call a certain time and not call until a couple of days later. I never said anything because I knew you were busy, and I took the passive aggressive way of telling you. This is a pet peeve of mine, when people tell me they will call me at a certain date or time, and don't. When you do this it makes me feel like you don't care about me."
He said: (he looked genuinely surprised) " I am so sorry, I do care. I never realized I was doing that, and pet peeves are important. I am sorry, and I am so glad that you finally told me this, I won't do this anymore, this behavior will stop today.
Please, understand that I am just not a phone person. I think I told you this when we first started dating. Please don't take it personally, because I also do this to my family, my dad, sister, brother too, and they get made at me because I don't call them back for days.
I guess in the beginning, when you didn't call either, I thought it was alright."
Then I told him that some people felt that I was a friend with benefits to him.
He looked shocked and hurt. He said, "Do you really believe that in your heart?" If it's just about sex, then why do we have such a great time together when we are not having sex? We go out all the time, I take you to nice places, etc.
I said: "Yes, I thank you. You do take me out to special places, but I want us to have dinner at my place more, watch videos at home together, and go on road trips.
He said " We will go on road trips together, we have always tried to plan it."
Later on that night, we left together to go have wine at a restaurant. He said he was a little hurt that I said that we were friends with benefits. He said: "There are tons of romantic, beautiful restaurants in this city, and you and I have gone to at least 20 them and you are upset that we don't watch videos together?"
I said, " I am sorry, I know you take me out to beautiful, romantic places, the video watching was only an example of how we should do things that are less formal like dinner sometimes and more laid back like hanging out at home.
Overall, I think I did a bad job at trying to explain to him that I just wanted us to act more like a couple, who did things casual at home things together, and I used watching a video as an example. Because I did not explain that to him very well, he focused on that example and not the underlying reason.
The good news is that because I also used an example of us taking weekend trips together, he suggested that we take weekend trip up to Big Sur and to New York together next month.
I did fail to mention to him that I wanted more phone calls from him. I mean he now knows I don't like him telling me he would call at a certain time and not call, but I never told him I wanted more calls period.
I should have, but I was anxious of complaining to him to much in one day. I will gradually let him know how I feel about getting more calls from him, but I think I need to save that for another day.
I do believe he cares for me, but he has very poor phone habits that I still need to work with him on that. When I left his place the next morning, he said "I will TRY to call you from Seattle, but if I don't I will call you when I get home." (He left that morning to Seattle and Portland for another business trip, and will be back this Wednesday. Oh well, again I regret not telling him I prefer more calls from him. I guess i will save that conversation when he gets back.
Again, I think I could have handled it better. Asked him to compromise with him calling a little more, since he is not a phone person and I am. As for my status as his girlfriend, I will gradually bring that home when he is fully home and more relaxed. Since we are planning many road trips together next month, I hope that will establish us more as a couple, as we get closer. Anyway, thanks again for all your support and I will keep you all updated on our progress. If you have any thoughts on how our conversation went, and how I handled the situation, I appreciate your advice.

The problem that I see is that you want him to change his behavior for you...that's oftentimes the beginning of the end. Can you accept that he's not a phone chatterer or not? What I really liked about your chat is that he seems to have heard you!! You're clear and he's gotten it AND best of all he's trying to do as you ask. Isn't that more important than a phone call? I get it that what frustrates you is that he said he was going to call and then he didn't follow through...it would have been better for him to say I don't know if I can while I'm away, but I'll be sure to call when I get home. I get that you're not one of those people that are so insecure that you need for him to validate your existance with a call. I think trying to keep in touch when you're away is a drag. If you're left behind, sure, it's hard, but if you're the one who's away, you're busy. People get that. I think that as you date longer and you build up trust, it'll get easier for you both.