Update - Thank you all, But He's Gone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Update - Thank you all, But He's Gone...
26
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:19am

Hi all,

Well I just wanted to thank you all for all your good advice and most of your support with all my posts on the Washington DC/NY thing… I know I have some unresolved issues and I'm going to look into getting some help for that as some of you on the boards suggested, but I just wanted to give you all an update on this…

I never heard from the guy, he never answered the 1 voicemail I sent on Wednesday or any of the multiple texts I sent on Wednesday night or yesterday. I did only send one voicemail, and I did not send him any emails or email on his myspace, however I did make the foolish mistake of sending him multiple text messages (I'm a text message junkie)… In total of those 2 days I sent about 8 (I know that's absolutely ridiculous) and I'm so embarrassed now. I sooo wish I could just take those all back, but I cant. But anyway, regardless, for some strange, unknown reason, he just vanished and stopped talking to me. Its really bothering me, but I'm not going to contact him anymore. I even left my phone home today. I know its only been a little while, and I've only known him for a little less than a month, but for some reason I still feel really horrible about this… I even came home and went to bed at 5:30 and didn’t really get back out until I had to get up for work today. And I just feel like crawling back into bed when I get home today. I don’t know, it just bothers me that people can show such interest in you and then just *poof* vanish into thin air, without so much as a text message, not taking your feelings into consideration one bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:25pm

I am where you are, not really trusting that what a guy says today, he'll believe tomorrow. I agree, they live in the moment and when the moment passes, so do the emotions. That is why there are so many divorces. We marry based on emotions and if the emotions change so does our marital status it seems.

I myself went through this J&H behavior with my exhusband. I thought that a body snatcher pod was under our bed, because that would be the only logical explanation as to why he totally changed (hehe).

I bet you felt you wasted your time and money by visiting this guy. "Keep in Touch" - ack!

So what is a woman to do? Well, I will stick with "if it is too good to be true it usually is." I'll also stick with the notion that I wont do back flips for a man if I sense any ambiguity in his behavior and especially if his behavior doesn't match his words. An old friend of the family once said, "marry a man who loves you more than you love him." Like that is supposed to ensure happiness, no it doesn't.

So are you currently dating anyone now? If so, does he seem normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:20pm
Not currently dating, I am thinking of taking a dating moratorium at least until after the holidays. However, a single girlfriend and I are planning to dress up to the nines and go out for new years (we may even kiss a few random boys at midnight) :) I am not even sure that if I dated a normal guy I would even know what that meant! Are you dating?
YG
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:52pm

No, not dating. Come to think of it, I am having a tough time defining normal too. I guess one who doesn't play J&H, as you say "ghost" on you, and someone who is just "real" who is straight forward about what he wants, not controlling and doesn't pull a midlife crisis on you halfway through a marriage. I don't know if you have heard, but many women in their 50's are becoming divorcees now. Unheard of. All due to the husband having a midlife crisis (i.e., needing to change professions drastically, or the classic affair) or just needing to bolt. These poor women are unskilled due to staying home for the last 20 years to take care of the many children this man felt the need to procreate and then the "poof" happens and, oh of course, they wait until the kids are in college so, no child support. Last I checked a college student is still usually dependent on his/her parents for basic necessities.

You can't go by what you see in the movies for a prototype of a great guy, because those guys don't exist: strong, courageous, loyal, handsome, yet huge heart for the woman they love. I have noticed that when I watch a movie with that type of guy "oh, why can't I meet someone like that?" Well, it is because he doesn't exist except on the silver screen. So you can't go with them for "normal" either.

I have known women who went the "dating service" route only to be disappointed. That is not for me either.

Your New Years idea sounds fun, have a great time, you deserve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:20am

Yeah, I know about the vanishing act, too. I experienced that recently. Saw the guy for 7 months, but things didn't get very serious (thank goodness!). Everything was rolling along as usual, then he was apparently abducted by aliens a few weeks ago (hey, that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

What's weird is this behavior is not limited to the Generation X or Y crowd. I have a 70-something male relative (a widower) who "ghosted" on this woman he had been dating for 12-18 months. And she kept calling him, thinking maybe he had keeled over or something. Despite the urging by female family members, he did not have the decency to pick up the phone and just level with her that he was no longer interested.

Go figure. I'm trying to keep the faith that there are still some guys out there like my Dad, but it's difficult!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 4:53pm
Even a 70 year old? I am getting a sneaky suspicion that behind our backs, men formed a "men's movement". I guess the women's movement really turned their lives upside down many years ago. From watching Dr. Phil and other shows and hearing everyone's stories, men want us to be thankful that they have a man...not expect him to communicate, express feelings, want to know our feelings, all the things that women have strived to improve in our relationships. It seems that by pulling the rug out from under us, we'll stop expecting men to pull their weight inthe house, with the kids, with the romance, etc. I don't think women will go for that. Many women, I have seen, have submitted to this nationwide behavior (doesn't that sound sick?) and have experienced loss of self - esteem, etc. I won't go for that. I'd rather be alone than be toyed with so men can gain back their position in the world in love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 12:31pm
Well just to be fair there are just as many women having midlife crisis', affairs out there in the world as well as men.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 6:49pm

Hi lovinhockey17, I agree that all people are capable and do..have midlife affairs. The "crises" I believe is not so much the "midlife" in terms of age or year, it is that one realizes part way through a marriage that they gave up the best years of their lives, for what they THOUGHT was what they wanted. By that I mean, a guy wants a family and a stay at home wife. So 15 years later, the breadwinner (in this case a guy) realizes that they work very hard to give the kids and wife tangible items to make them happy. For example, a new car, jewelry, ski vacations, etc. Next thing you know, he turns around and feels that he, himself, is not getting any of the goodies. So he decides it is time for him to get a goody. Except the particular goody that he gets will destroy the family that he worked so hard to build. Because guys generally don't communicate much, wives don't know that they are not getting any pleasure from the current lifestyle. Maybe he decides that he always wanted to be a baseball player, so he starts pining away for his youth when it really boils down to the fact that he was "responsible", got married, started a family, got a great job, all of the "things" one is "SUPPOSED" to do (by society's standards). Maybe in this scenario, it would have been better for all concerned that he marry later in life and started a family later. Because usually, not all the time, a woman will put aside aspirations for family, and learn to live with it (from what I have seen personally). But when a man feels that way, he is probably going to wreck the family out of selfishness. But hindsight is wonderful.

My comment about the mens movement really had more to do with the fact that an alarming number of women, it seems in all age categories are getting "ghosted" and meeting up with too many "jekyll and hydes". It used to be that you could gauge a man's intention towards you by their actions. These men nowadays are confusing women with contradictory behavior and outcomes. I have fallen victim to it also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 7:25pm

I understand what you were saying however I was just saying to be fair it isn't just men doing it one only has to spend a day or two on the affair boards to figure out that there are plenty of women doing the exact same thing and one has to just spend a day or two on the online dating boards to figure out women ghost as well. So I just don't think it's as cut and dry as to say men do this and women don't.

I too have become victim to the dating shenanigans but it's just the way it goes out there in the dating world

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:00am

I haven't been to the affair boards. I have also not been on the receiving end of men crying about women ghosting on them or pulling the rug out from under them, only women. I have yet to hear a sob story from a man and it has been years since I have been listening to these stories. If women are doing it too, then shame on them too. If both sexes are constantly playing ridiculous headgames then no one will ever have and keep a real loving relationship. And both sexes are to blame for their children having screwed up lives and minds. It is not cut and dried, but it mostly falls on men.

To say that "I too have become victim to the dating shenanigans but it's just the way it goes out there in the dating world", wreaks of apathy and complacency. That is not "the way it is". "It is" because people are purposely destroying others happiness and people have become lazy and submissive. It is easier to go with "the flow". That is not how it used to be out there. Sure, there were always people who would prey on a vulnerable person (both sexes have been guilty of that) and sleep with them and leave, but not on a huge scale the way it has developed. By the time a women meets a decent man, she has been beaten into complacency due to a well thought out methodical plan by men to make sure that women stop "demanding so much".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:21am

The holidays always highlight our romantic urges - and unfortunately modern technology makes it so easy to contact and over-contact someone we're interested in. But don't worry - doing stuff we shouldn't necessarily be doing and then regretting it deeply helps us to take a deep breath and call a friend to talk us out of doing that action again


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