updating ex on my new life

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
updating ex on my new life
4
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 8:35pm
My ex recently wrote me an email asking me if I'd like to hang out. we agreed to be friends after we broke up (we broke up because he wasn't ready to talk about marriage after 3 years) so to me this would just be a harmless meeting over lunch. However, I've started dating someone new who I feel really good about. I'm a little concerned over whether or not having a short meeting with my ex might bother the new guy. I don't want to ruin something good over having lunch with someone who after dating me for a few years assessed the relationship and realized he likes me and wants to be friends but doesn't want to spend his life with me. And I don't want to keep secrets from my new boyfriend either and just not tell him that I'm thinking about meeting up with my ex for a friendly lunch because this great guy doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.
Do you think I'm playing with fire too much here and should explain the situation to my ex and tell him we need more time before we meet up? I like being on good terms with him because aside from the relationship he is a good guy and makes a good friend. I know he isn't good dating and marriage material for me now so I wouldn't even consider dating him again because I'm really falling for the new guy who treats me much better and is everything my ex isn't. Still, I get the feeling that my ex might possibly still be hurting over our breakup-- it was a few months ago-- so I was wondering whether or not I should tell him about my terrific new man and leave him feeling awful when he just wanted to have a friendly meeting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 9:03pm

This is fairly simple.

What do you and this ex have in common in terms of interests, goals, lifestyle, and hobbies? What do you have to be "friends" over?

What in your life is "missing" of a purely platonic nature - as a result of your breakup?

If the reality is that you two had little in common - that your parting cause "heartache"...but not loss per se....the reality is you two were never friends.

You were lovers..........but you weren't friends. You don't share interests, values, and ideas, while appreciating the other person's character and intelligence and enjoy affiliating with them out of admiration and respect for who they are as a person.

So why call you now? Don't project into it "he's still hurting" or whatever it is that is of a romantic nature. Why call now? What in the months you were apart - did he miss having you involved with and around for - that wasn't a diversion and distraction?

Probably not much, to be honest from the sound of it. Youo're not mentioning here how you share hobbies an interests, and a social circle as a result of personal goals and involvements.

So, without his knowing that you're seeing someone else...he's asking you to lunch, calling in the "lets be friends" card after the breakup. Good - you broke up with him because he didn't want what you want in life - marriage.

You want ot find someone that wants that - good, proactive and your obligation to you.

So you've got two questions/issues as I'd see it.

Are you comfortable having lunch with this ex and telling your present interest beforehand? Treat people as you'd wish to be treated. If HE were going to have lunch with an ex girlfriend - would you want to know before or after he did it? Or would you want to know at all. You treating people how you'd like to be treated - doesn't guarantee they respond like you - but it doesn't that ou don't regret what you do and you keep your self-respect.

If you're going to do that - are you going to tell the ex about your current lover? That's not totally necessary as it really is none of his business per se. But if you're structuring any portion of your life or day around this guy - beween "friends" that'd come up.

so can you go to lunch with this ex and treat him like a 'girlfriend'.....are you going to share appropriate information like you would with a girlfriend? After all - a friend wants the best for you as YOU determine it to be - surely he wants you to have someone in your life that possibly wants what you want - mariage. He knows you want it and he doesn't - that's why you two broke up.

And witout going - you'll never know this....but I'd suspect teh following. I dont think there's a friendship here. I think there was attraction, which led to being lovers and a relationship...that 3 years later when you wanted more commitment he refused and so you ended the liason. But I don't think you ever developed a rapport as friends. You had intertwining and connection as lovers...with the assumption on your part it'd go somewhere. HE didn't just up and decide he didn't want marriage - he knew it all along. It wasn't necessarily his obligation to disclose it - that'd have been presumptious and pompous on his part - to "assume" you wanted marriage and announce no way early into the relationship.........but he was honest enough to admit when it did come up - I'm not ready forthat. That's a positive sign to his character.

I think for 3 years to some degree...there was at least some vague awareness on both your parts that "you wanted more".......I'm sure it was tap danced around and avoided directly- but it was evident to himi that you wre bypassing life options, and you were structuring yourself around him. He'd have been a fool not to see it. And you were so busy doing it - you failed to realize he wasn't doing the same with his life and his world.

So in that period - here's what he learned.....that you're willing to do what he wants, while not getting what you want. Obviously, when things get confronted directly.....he knows you won't participate any longer.

So I'd venture a guess that he's wanting now to establish contact - under the guise of friendship - thinking it's very possible if you're in close enough proximity to him - you'd date him again - despite knowing what you know - that he doesn't want what you want - marriage.

That you'd date him because of the 3 years of investment and intertwining, and that he'd once again have the full benefits of the joy of having you in his life - without obligation.

so there's several ways to approach....as you're probably wanting to know his intentions...and you can't really know them for sure no matter what. But.......

If you'ure comfortable going on the lunch outing, after telling your current boyfriend (not asking).........confirm the outing with the ex. Ad while doing that - do mention that your boyfriend will be picking you up - or you'll be meeting him atthis location....so yu needa public place.....and hte boyfriend should meet you. If all this guy wants is to possible reinstate a relationship that is goin nowhere...he's going to decilne to meet. If not that second...within 24 hours something will come up and he'll have to reschedule - he'll call you back. It just will never happen.

If he says sure thing, no problem, love to meet the guy - do be sure that your boyfriend is picking you up - this isn't a shock to him, and that you do want this to happen. In short, don't arrange for it based on the ex agreeing to it....arrange before the ex is aware of it.

That way, everybody's as apprised as they can possibly be about the status quo. To you, you're going to pursue a friendship - not a date or a relationship. You're wanting thi sfriendship with him because you admire his character, you share his interests, and enjoy his company - you want the best for him as he determines it to be, and you're not puset that that he doesn't want what you want - marriage.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 12:12am

If your ex is ready to be friends, then he's ready to hear about your new guy. That's what friends DO...talk about their relationships, etc. If he's not, that's HIS problem, not yours.

As for the new guy, I would not be comfortable dating someone who had a problem with me having a friendly lunch with an ex, so I would tell him and expect that he would be mature enough and secure enough to be ok with it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 8:36am
I'm sure you have a gut feeling why your ex wants to hang out. If your gut is telling you he might want to get back together (or maybe he is now ready for marriage and you just want to hear him say the words) then don't go to lunch with this guy, it isn't worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 9:50am

I think if you feel you cannot tell your ex about your new relationship then you should not go to lunch with him.

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