Used

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Used
43
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 10:52am
So, first I'd like to say that I know that I've made some poor decisions in my life and this is one of them. I also realize that you have to take responsibilities for your actions/decisions and face the consequences - everything is a risk.

I met a guy on a worktrip about 3 months ago - late October. We kept in touch, casually, since that time, mostly be email, sometimes by phone (I'd say I talked to him about once a week, give or take) when he initiated a call. He travels a lot for work, and he was near my home 2 weeks ago (Super Bowl Sunday). Upon his invitation, I traveled to meet him - we had a very nice dinner - a real date. I guess I should mention that during the time we spent together when we first met, we made out a little but I would not have sex or oral sex with me (I'm 25 so bear with me ... some of this stuff probably sounds so ridiculous and immature). This past week when we went out, I did hook up with him and we had sex. I do not regret my decision - it is something that I wanted, but I sure feel (very, very) bad about myself now. I sincerely am not "that type of girl", whatever that sterotype may be. Needless to say, I became a little bit more attached afterwards and was hoping that we would get to know each other better. The evening was perfect - I felt very comfortable with him and thought without a doubt that he felt the same with me. However, since then, his actions have spoken otherwise, which I guess just goes to figure. I emailed him the next day (a Monday) and he responded with a very nice email (very nice) on Wednesday. But I haven't heard from him since. Obviously if he was interested, he would be making an effort to contact me. It isn't unusual that we haven't spoken in a week - because of both of our jobs and the long distance, we can both be quite busy. I just thought that, after that night, we would have spoken some more.

Anyway to make a long story somewhat shorter, I feel like hell. I have never felt so used in my life. Like I said, I know it is my own fault but I am really having trouble dealing with it, and myself, right now. Nothing I tell myself makes me feel better. I have learned, from this experience, not to act like this in the future, but it doesn't take away the sadness and hurt. True, I may hear from him again, but a casual relationship like this is not what I want for myself. I also question my judgement of character - I never imagined that he could act like this. He really had me fooled, and I played right into his hands.

Again, I know how wrong I was - just anything that might make this easier??

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Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:01am
Well did he SAY anything to indicate that he was looking to have a relationship with you? You cant be mad at someone for wanting different things than you unless he misrepresented himself in the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:12am
Thanks for responding bratgirl ... His words definitely never indicated that he would never speak to me again ... or that he was only in it for one thing ... In the email I received last Wednesday, he asked me how my day was going, said he hoped it was going well, called me "lovely person" (he is venezuelan so he often calls me a spanish name or something like that), and thanked for me - said he had a great time. I emailed him back asking him if we'd see each other again, and he responded immediately with a big "of course!". During that night, he had asked me if I had a boyfriend, told me that I looked so beautiful, gave me random kisses at dinner, etc. So, no he never said he wanted to pursue a more serious relationship, but on the other hand, nothing indicated that he was going to drop off the face of the earth either ... I guess I figured that we both wanted to get to know each better ... Looks like I was wrong ...
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:22am
You know what sucks about dating? Unless you both speak very specifically about what your plans are, and what you want, you can get really hurt in the process. Dont be so hard on yourself. There is no sin in taking a chance, leap of faith. Sometimes they work out...sometimes not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:34am
You weren't "used".

You just "gave to get".

Sex when two people aren't dating, haven't discussed exclusivity and whether they're seeking a partner...is just sex. It's physical gratification. Period, the end.

You were comfortable with him at the time, that night. You wanted to get laid. YOu did.

NOW....you're finding out that you expected more contact, more emotional attachment on his part. Either a) you knew that you wanted that and thought sex would get you that or b) you didn't know you wanted that and are finding out after the fact that you want that, expected that, and became more attached to him as a result of "physical gratification".

Either way...this is a "learning experience" and please utilize it as such. It's not a situation in which you're a victim. He didn't promise you something he didn't deliver (a relationship or more contact/dating) in exchange for something you did deliver (sexual gratification).

Don't keep the victim's approach.

Here's the objective reality. You two find one another attractive, neither of you have pursued dating as such - you've pursued casual conversation, casual hanging out, and often that leads to 'casual hooking up'.

He didn't discuss what 'the sex implied, meant, or indicated' - because it did not imply, mean, or indicate anything in terms of more contact, more dating, or a potential relationship. Someone doesn't have to disclose what "isn't going to happen a a result of sex"...otherwise nobody would ever have sex. That person would be detailing a list 25 miles long of what "you're not going to get as a result of having sex with me" and all of it would be based on their previos personal experiences, relationships, and expectations - 98% of it wouldn't apply to you at all and you'd wonder why on earth you were having to listen to the diatribe.

Now...if the person that they're wanting to have sex with is wanting/expecting/needing something as a result of having sex...that list is short, it's concise, and it's precise...it's up to them to disclose - hey, I'm not comfortable having sex unless we're exclusively dating to pursue a potential relationship. The person they're contemplating having sex with can respond "I do or do not want that" - and sex will or will not happen as a result of that conversation. But nobody will be used, hurt, victimized, or bruised - with that approach. Maybe someone won't get laid...but hey, ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

They guy has NEVER pursued dating you -he's pursued keeping in contact because you're attractive and fun and smart...but he apparently does not desire a relationship at this time. Maybe he doesn't even want to "date" - today even that is confusing as to whether you're on one...who pays or who asks isn't what says "this is a date".

But he doesn't want to date or have a relationship because HE DOES NOT WANT TO. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness or desirability - it's just that at this time in his life a relationship or dating and meeting the needsand standards of someone else is NOT on his priority and value list. So, he's not going to do it.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want and won't engage in fun, sex, companionship, conversation, and shared interests...but it just means that everything he does with osmeone else is "all about this moment right now" and nothing else.

I'd take this as a learning experience...you didn't know that you didn't do casual sex. Now you're finding out that sexual activity emotionally attaches you to them....you're realizing how dangerous it would be to have sex with someone who's character and values you don't know - if you were to become attached and thus involved with someone you didn'tshare values and goals and standards with - you'd be in living he$$ - take it from anybody who's been there.

So, you've had a learning experience...don't be a victim to learning! You don't do casual sex.

In the future, you know that if you're dating, you need todate for awhile and see if this person is wanting more than "just ot date and live in the moment' before you engage in sexual activity. And you've learned that people that aren't pursuing dating except when it's convenient aren't really dating - they're just hanging out - perhaps to hook up also.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:34am
Do you think I will ever hear from him again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:41am
Thank you so much doubleblade, that made so much sense and really helped ... you are absolutely right ... first, he has not promised me more - he has just shown an interest in contacting me occasionally ... and second, i am attractive, smart, and fun ;-) - just joking. But seriously, do you think I will hear from him again ... if nothing has changed in his eyes, then it isn't that unusual that I haven't heard from him ... only the fact that I wanted more makes things seem unlikely ... Even though he said he didn't, he may have a girlfriend (he did ask me after we hooked up if i had a boyfriend) - not sure what that means. Thanks again for your awesome help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 12:25pm
Well, you've presented yourself as a source of no-obligation sex.

so, in those terms...if he wants more no-obligation sex since there isn't a phone book of people like that - he'll likely contact you again.

If he has a girlfriend......well, if you're questioning that as a possibility you need to ask him.

if he's hooking up with you behind her back....he's hooking up with other people and you've got to assess if you want the risk of non-curable STD's - even if non-fatal and not HIV/AIDS.

Your emotions, your goals, your needs are YOUR responsibility at all times. He likes talking toyou, hanging out with you - and you have added no obligation sex to the repetroire of "shared interests".

If he has a girlfriend...do YOU want to be the woman he comes and "does"? If not, don't see him again. Realize that his values justify his actions...and if he's not honest with her, he won't be honest with you. His values would justify dishonesty in situations where he'd benefit by being dishonest..and that would include with you.

he likely DOES have a girlfriend - that's why he asked about your boyfriend status. He doesn't want you IM-ing, emailing, pursuing more contact as a result of this sexual encounter in terms of "I want more, let's see each other' - that would get in the way of his relationship and cause him problems.

If it's not unusual that he hasn't called you up to now....then it's not unusual that he hasn't called you yet - sex doesn't change what he wants. Sex was just a "bonus and score" that he got.

It's possible, whether he has a girlfriend or not but more likely if he does, that you won't hear from him again. Now that he's had sex...that is what he was after, and has no need or desire or willingness to continue any sort of contact.

If he hasn't got a girlfriend, most guys would keep contacting you knowing that the situation doesn't allow for continuous contact or serious dating and no obligation sex is always a good option to have in their lives. whenever the situation permits - sex and hanging out will be on the agenda.

If he has got a girlfriend, most guys if they don't know you very well and their primary purpose in keeping in contact was the flirtation that made them feel good about themselves, and the potential for sex an dnow they've had that.....easily might not contact you again. They're not sure if you get "emotionally attached" as a result of sex...but they're not wanting this incident to intrude on their real lives or be stumbled upon by their partner. So once they've had the no-obligation sex, since they've got a steady source of sex with a partner, they cease contact altogether just because that is less risky to do. Besides, if they break up - they always know how to contact you and most people if open to casual sex at one time, are usually up for more at a lter time even after a period of no contact.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:14pm
I guess I don't understand ... if he has a girlfriend, why would he have told me, after the fact that he didn't ... and why would he have pursued any type of contact when, unless an effort was made, he never would see me again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:29pm
Well, if he's told you he doesn't have one...then he doesn't, quite likely.

But there's two ways to look at "dating".....someone either wants a partner and is pursuing finding that by dating nd getting to know people through conversation, companionship, sex, shared interests, etc.

Or they're looking for fun, sex, companionship - and dating is a good way to get that without obligation to anything else whatever, becuase they don't want anything else whatsoever.

I mean, someone is either spending time and money on getting to know you because they value that and that is their goal...or thye're spending time and money because it gets them the option for companionship, sex, and fun..and they're spending that time and money to ensure that you go home - after they've gotten what they wanted if you're mutually agreeable to it.


What people want....that's what they pursue.

So if he didn't pursue asking you out, getting ot know you vertically, if there are no shared interests and values - it's just sporadic contact with heavy flirtation and now sex.

he's not looking to date...or form a relationship. He wanted to have fun, sex, companionship - and he has, without obligation.

So because he's without obligation, adn with no desire to have obligation in the form of a relationship or dating.....he'll call you back when he wants more fun, sex, and companionship.

YOu can't control life...in between now and the time that he next considers you as an option/source of sex, fun, companionship - his life could change and he could be in an entirely different situation which would preclude him pursuing you for more sex, fun, companionship.


That's all I meant. IF he's said that he doesn't have a girlfriend....he might or might not. IT's just that rarely does a person bring up someting like "do you have a boyfriend" post-sex...unless they have a girlfriend or are not in a position to date you for some other reason.

I mean, if you'd had a boyfriend - you probably wouldn't be calling him, flirting, or having sex with him. Obviously he doesn't share that standard...he's "asking" you if you're doing what he'd do - have sex behind someone's back for your own benefit.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:33pm
Not to beat this issue - but if he had a girlfriend wouldn't he want to avoid mentioning it in front of me? I totally agree that he doesn't want any "more" of a relationship from me - it is what it is. I just remember laying there wanting to ask him if he had a girlfriend because I was worried about that. Just as I was worrying about it, he asked me the same question ... I guess maybe I thought that he had been worried in the same way that I had - not so much that he wanted a partner in crime. I guess I'm just that naive.

I'm really not doing okay ...

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