Using an ultimatum

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Using an ultimatum
4
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 2:16am
I've been wondering about the distinction between an ultimatum and manipulation.

I've always considered an ultimatum as something that you do for yourself. For example, you may tell an employer you would like to earn more or you may pursue other job opportunities. If you've been dating someone for many years, you might say that the relationship needs to head towards marriage or you can't continue it. Those scenarios, while unpleasant, seem healthy to me. You are being assertive on your behalf.

But then there are those situations which don't seem quite so healthy.......

For example, I have a friend who has been dating and living with a guy for 4 months and they just had a serious spat. His ex-girlfriend had called the house periodically, and eventually, it came out that his ex-girfriend did not know he was seeing my friend, let alone living with her. My friend eventually learned that 1.he and his ex had dated twice the time he'd told her they'd dated, and 2. he and his ex had been corresponding on a fairly regular basis and largely when she was not around the house. He said that he and his ex were over, and that because she had been a good friend to him, he had been trying to be nice. The short story is that my friend told him she didn't want him to communicate with this woman and threatened to break up with him if he called/corresponded/emailed with her anymore. She even called the woman and interrogated her about why she'd been talking her boyfriend and told her to buzz off.

There's no question his behavior was bad and that my friend's calling his ex was really bad. But what also seems wrong to me is my friend's threat to leave him if he spoke to this girl anymore. To me, her actions seem less like an ultimatum and more like manipulation, not too mention a bad way to get her boyfriend to behave a certain way and prove his love for her. I think it's good if she told him how she felt, but hasn't she crossed the line here?

What defines that move from ultimatum to manipulation?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:51am

Hmm...I'm curious as to why you think what your friend did was manipulation. To me, that's her setting a healthy boundary about what is and isn't acceptable to her, and letting him know what the consequences will be if he crosses it (of course, she needs to be prepared to end it if he does cross it). I'm not seeing the difference between your healthy, assertive examples and what she did. Can you explain further?

Sheri

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:17pm

The thing about ultimatums is that while you may not get what you want, you always get what you asked for.

If she is really and truly prepared to leave, it's an ultimatum - she's letting him know the boundary of what is unacceptable to her and what the consequence is. But if she's reacting out of fear/jealousy and he continues talking to the ex, and she *doesn't* leave, it's manipulation with empty threats. And then she can continue to make all the threats she wants and the pattern is established, he'll go on seeing how much he can get away with. Have his cake & eat it too until she finally says enough is enough.

Honest communication is usually better than threats/ultimatums. But he's already been sneaky & dishonest... doesn't sound healthy to me. I know because I've been there, on both sides. Your friend is probably better off cutting her losses before more time goes on & things get more complicated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:21pm
<What defines that move from ultimatum to manipulation?>

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:25pm

An ultimatum is what you issue and stick wtih if your demand isn't met. Which is why " I'll leave you if..." is rarely ever considered anything but "blah, blah, blah".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com