Using the word "friend"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Using the word "friend"
12
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:36pm

We have known each other 6 months now. We live long distance.
I am starting to get resentful about a particular thing, and am hoping for some insight on this. How do I handle this situation?

He always refers to his friends as "friends". If he is going out ...he says "I have to go to a friends place". Only when I probe further, does he say their names. But I don't like to probe. I would just want him to use thier "names". Is this a guy thing to use the word "friend"? Or does this mean he is just being "secretive" and "keeping me at a distance". Is he doing this consciously or unconsciously?

And I am feeling this resentment More so, because I always use names. Infact even give a background about my friend to him, unasked. I also tell him for what purpose I am going etc. He gets all the information without having to ask.

I brought this up once when I was upset about something else. But I don't know if he took me seriously. What do you suggest, should I start using the word "friend" too? Tit for tat? Will that make him realize something? But I am usually not that kind of a girl who plays games like this. Maybe he will like me less, if I turn the tables on him.

I am just feeling so resentful about this, becoz it's so imbalanced.
I am very expressive, and he is usually quiet.

How should I handle this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:45pm

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now, and he still usually just says that he's going out to his "friend's" or "buddies" place. It never really bothered me though. I also give background and names of my friends. I always just figured that this was the way we each were. I don't see why it should be a problem unless he gets angry or dosen't want to explain further when you ask. I think that if he has no problem telling you who he's meeting after you ask, then he most likely just dosen't think that it's that big of a deal.

I think that if it really bothers you then you should speak to him about it when you are not upset about it.. or anything else. That way you can get all of your points and concerns across and not forget anything.

Kira

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:47pm

Unless you know these people personally, he may feel it's easier to generalize than to say, "I'm going out with Bob, Jimmy and Tom.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:02pm

I also don't think this warrants resentment on your part nor do I think he is being deliberately secretive. It's just easier sometimes to refer to people this way. Maybe he thinks you're not interested in who they are or he figures it's just easier to call them "friends." Next time just let him know that you want to know who he's talking about, not because you're checking on him or suspicious, but because these are important people in his life and you'd rather not think of them as anonymous, nameless people, but as individuals with names and personalities. He should respond favorably.

Honestly, I do this all the time, not because I want to withhold information about who I hang out with, but because I figure the person I'm talking to isn't interested in all the details.

I wonder if there are other things in the relationship that make it feel "unbalanced" to you, as you say. This does seem like a small matter to me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:08pm

Just wanted to point out a couple of things here:

-I don't wanna know any *personal gory details* of his friends. What HE knows about MY friends isn't the kind of personal details you are probably thinking about. For eg. I'll say....."U know when I was in school....I participated in a cultural program, and met "A" that way. He is getting married. I thought I'd go meet the couple tonight". And then, over the course of time, I dont have to give these introduction....I just say I am going out to meet A (and the reason why I am meeting). HE doesn't KNOW A, but I am transparent about my friend to him. I don't need GORY details. The point is, unless he tells me something bout them how will I know them?

-You mention that unless I know them, why should he tell me the names? But unless he tells me who they are, how will I know them? It's a cycle. HE hasn't yet met any of MY friends, but he knows them by name. Even though he hasn't MET them, he knows them coz I mention them and put in some details. Not Gory details mind you.. but details, so he gets the picture. The background.

-We are "more than friends".....and hence I do feel hurt when he isn't open about his life. When he goes out .... all he says is "I am going out".....No details at all. UNLESS I ask. I find this just a lil odd. Yes, he is a man of few words....but still, it's frustrating to a person like me...who needs a lil equality in things that matter.

-U made a very good point bout "him not letting me share a part of his life". That is exactly how I feel. Perhaps I need to bring this subject out again with him.

-Another thing is by using the word "friend" he can play it extremely safe if it happens to be a girl. So that I don't get insecure. Well, IF he is playing that game, then maybe I should too. He can't KNOW every single detail bout my life, and keep me "in the dark". I am not going to take that......I hv gotta do something bout it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:24pm

Just because he doesn't do things exactly your way - doesn't mean he is wrong. Yet that is the way you are treating this situation.

If you want to know more, then ask - that is the easiest thing to do rather than expecting him to think, feel, say and do exactly like you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:24pm
Well, would you get insecure if he was hanging out with female friends? I think this is where problems can take root if you don't address it directly. Don't resort to playing games. Impress upon him how important this is to you and see how he responds. He might just be a poor communicator but if you make him realize how much you want to know about the people in his life and why (approach this openly and not in a suspicious, accusatory way) I'm sure he'll put in more effort to sharing a little more without prodding.


Edited 6/12/2006 6:46 pm ET by santabarbarachick
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:40pm

Having read your previous posts, I think this issue is just a symptom of the bigger issues in your relationship. Don't get caught up in the small things like this...either fix the bigger issue or end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:52pm

I think that his use of friends really is just a guy thing. Good or bad, I seem to attract more men as friends than in relationships so I feel I can comment on this one. Even in dealing with me (just a friend), they almost always refer to their other friends as some friends, buddies, the guys...

If it bothers you that much, I would talk to him about it, but not make it "A TALK". Maybe just bring it up some time when he brings up meeting his friends. Say something like...Have a good time. Hey, I noticed you never refer to them by name, why not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:09pm

OK, but let me be straight that I am not saying that he IS keeping a part of his life from you.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:43pm

This is the same guy who doesn't like "expectations" right? Well, maybe he doesn't like the "expectation" that he be exclusive with you. Maybe he is doing what he wants, when he wants and doesn't want you to "expect" to know who he's out with.

Why do you want this type of relationship?




Edited 6/13/2006 4:44 pm ET by blondie0506

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