walking way from an engaged man

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
walking way from an engaged man
17
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:58am
Help I'm going crazy. Recently I discovered heaven and hell together aotherwise known as love I fell in love with the wrong man a man that is engaged and on top of that my business partner it's a mess for me emotionally. It did not start with another person in the picture but gradually the truth came out.

Help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 5:53am


Hi

I can relate fully to what you are going through, as I am from what you have written, in the same situation as yourself, only in my case I'm married and the other person involved is single a close friend of my wife with a complicated private and business life. I have told her of my feelings towards her. She has now decided to stop all communication between us as she feels guilty that she may be the cause of my marrage breakdown. I tell you this because I did not set out intentionally to even get close to her, it just happened, I think of her 24/7 and could never do anything that would harm her.

Have you told him of your feelings or have you faced up to your emotions and are scared to reveal them to him for fear of rejection. I decided to tell her, for me unfortunately I have to face life without her, but for you it may be the best thing you ever do in your life. A lot of people get engaged but never actually get married. If the man you love feels the same way about you, he then has to make a decision, but be prepared for rejection, and then move on with your life, something now I am finding difficult to do without her. if this helps keep posting to get each other through it

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 9:30am
dolcedonna2004...

Pianoguy is curious....

How can you possibly hope to function as "business partners" after you've been "bed partners?" How many ivillagers reading this would actually want to continue working with a man who portrays himself as one thing, but is actually another? Kinda makes you wanna look at the ledger books, doesn't it?

My sympathy goes out to the fiancee...because if 'her intended' can easily cheat with you, there will probably be at least one more "bedroom merger" with somebody else!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:07pm
Have you considered that if you had ended your marriage before pursuing a new relationship that you would not be suffering as you are now? Have you considered that your lover might have feared that you'd cheat on her eventually as well since you've expressed that "it just happened" - meaning you think you had no control over your actions and those who don't take responsibility for their present behavior won't take responsibility for their future behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 6:23pm
Hi Charite


In the original message to dolcedonna, I expressed that i understand how easily you can emotionally fall in love. I did not read into her message that they were indulging in a rampant sex act daily. More like she worked along side her business partner became emotionally involved with him, admired his strength and weaknesses and is now torn between her own desires and needs, and is honest and open with her feelings to ask for other peoples help in similar situations.

This is what happened to me, I am not proud of myself, I worry for my wife and family of grown up children. You talk as if the other lady and I were lovers, in fact no sexual contact ever took place except the occassional hug.But I do accept the fact that I talked to this woman behind my wifes back, and accept the responsibilty for doing so, as does the other woman. believe me I did not go out looking for this and unless you truely experience these intense emotions you will never understand them. Yes I am definately considering divorce, but I have not told you all the circumstances of my problem, as I was replying to dolcedonna.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:21pm
I have on two occasions in my life experienced intense emotions such as you describe and I know the strength of will it requires to maintain one's integrity and do the right thing. I have also been in the role of your friend and I ended the friendship for the same reason your friend did. And you're right, I did assume you had an illicit affair that included sexual infidelity. I'm sorry for making that assumption and any offense I may have caused you. To this day, I admire that man I once knew who had such an unhappy marriage but never even tried to cross the line into infidelity. I admire you for the same reason. I hope that you find a happy resolution to the difficulties you are facing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 11:31am
Many thanks for your message, I can see that you do understand, and I was not offended by what you refered. It sometimes annoys me that when anyone mentions love it automatically now refers to having sex. Did your friend remain in his unhappy marrage. As my friend no longer answers my emails I assume it is over, but still Im reluctant to let go, and I long to be with her. This was a very long complicated story Charite some of the things that happened I could never put on this board, but if you knew all the facts then you would totally understand why I am in this position.

many thanks for your help
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 2:02pm
Apologies to the OP for stealing her thread. Frontiersman, you sound so unhappy and I wish there were something I could say that would help you. I know it's hard to believe this now, but time truly does heal all wounds. There have been times in my life that I thought I would never recover my happiness, but I did in every case. One of the things that has always helped me was to make a concious effort not to dwell on the cause of my pain. I think that if you continue to send her e-mails, you're pouring salt in your wounds and that will make it impossible to let go. Remember, too, that she is not returning your e-mails because she doesn't care, she is doing the best thing for you both and I'm sure it's not easy for her. In fact, you are probably causing her a fair amount of sorrow and I'm sure you don't want to do that.

As for your question, I don't know if my friend stayed in his marriage. She was an alcoholic with an abusive personality. They moved out of state and we've never had contact since. That was over ten years ago. Looking back, I doubt if he was truly in love with me. I think I was a simply an oasis of calm in his stormy life. His homelife was so turbulent and miserable, I must have seemed like the perfect woman to him. I listened to his problems and provided comfort and support, something he hadn't had in a long time. The reality is that he never experienced any of my shortcomings, and I have them certainly even though they didn't approach the severity of his wife's.

I will say that I'm glad he didn't try to stay in contact with me. When we said goodbye, he told me he was going to make his best effort to make his marriage work with the stipulation that his wife get treeatment and counseling. Staying in contact with me would have been counterproductive to giving her his entire support and his one last stab at it.

While I have no idea what circumstances you face in your marriage, I do think that making a firm decision one way or another and giving 100% to following through on it, makes healing possible. My best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 2:29pm
Dolcedonna, I'm sure this is a very difficult situation for you. Getting over a heartbreak is hard enough without being forced to interact with that person in a daily business relationship. That's why many people suggest that it's a mistake to become emotionally involved with people you work with. When you are co-workers and a break-up occurs, at least you have the option of transferring departments or finding another job, but when you are business partners that might not be an option. If it's possible for you to sell him your share of the business, then you might want to consider it. If it's not an option, then do your best to minimize any contact with him outside of what you must to conduct business. Make yourself go out with friends, and keep busy with many other activities you enjoy outside of work. And keep in mind that if this man wasn't honest with you from the beginning, you truly are better off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:48am
Hi I just got you message I would love to keep in touch to get through it. It's very hard I know when you'r in love and the situation gets complicated. Today I had to give hima an ultimatum business wise either he lets her know about me incorporating into the new business or i'm out completely.Since she apparently doen't agree with me going into business with him or them as I should say. I've even told him that is going into business means speaking just business than that is fine.Lies are one thing Iwill not tolerate when it comes to business so I will see tomorrow. Whatever I 'm ready.

dolcedonna2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:57am
Frontiersman I agree with you it is a real shame that we cannot control whom our heart devotes itself to. Also, I did not intentionally get involved with this man for when I MET HIM SHE was Not in the picture until like 3 moths later then everything began to unravel before my eyes but by then My heart was totally his that is not to say that I would break them up if anything I keep my distance physically as much as I can We don't have sex everytime I can actually count the times this occured most when I did not even know about her. They were boyfriend girlfriend and we both decided that since they were together we would not be involved and everything was fine until like 4 months after that we did kiss then after that it took like another 2 months for us to be intimate. So we've tried our best and continue to do so yet it's hadr when the attraction is not just physical.

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