Want to be in love again but can I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Want to be in love again but can I?
1
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:15am
I am dating a new guy for the last two months. Everything's going smoothly and we even have a weekend trip planned for next weekend. He's smart, funny, caring, etc. and we have many things in common. I should be happy but I am not. After two months, I think I should feel certain things like lust if not love but I feel neither. I do care for him though and I love the way he treats me but it's not an powerful kind of feeling. My analysis is that for one, I was not physically attracted to him when I met him and two, I am still hung up on finding that kind of love that I had with my last boyfriend who just happens to be my first true love and who broke up with me almost 1 1/2 years ago. You see, this ex-boyfriend helped me through a lot of problems I was having at the time and I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for him. But I know now that our timing was wrong and I'm not even sure if we would ever work out but that does not take away from the fact that I had never felt the kinds of things I felt for him, and I'm scared that I never will again. Noone had ever been there for me like he was for me unconditionally and so I feel that unless I go through something equally difficult with another guy, I will never feel those types of feelings again. I even cry myself to sleep lately because I feel like I can't seem to feel that kind of love again and I want to.

After meeting guy after guy who did not induce any kinds of emotions in me, I dated a guy briefly this summer who I began to feel certain things for but he turned out to be a jerk and a womanizer so I ended things with him. Now this new guy is sweet and I'm not sure if he's still looking for others but he seems to have noone else and he's even asked me if I am looking to meet others so I am guessing he wants us to be exclusive eventually. I don't know how I feel about that because even though I am probably one of the most loyal women you'll ever meet, I find myself yearning to meet someone else though I am not actively looking. Am I putting too much pressure on this new relationship and should I let things progress more slowly or am I wasting my time with this new guy, as well as his? A major reason for this is because he is somewhere between my height or an inch shorter and I just want someone taller than me. I was set up with him by a friend who kept stressing what a great guy he is. He is but I just don't feel any passion and I don't feel a special connection but I am hoping that weekend away together will change things and that I could get my ex-boyfriend out of my mind forever. Am I just obsessing over something that is not all that serious? What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:32pm
I've been feeling the same way lately - that I'm incapable of falling in love again. I've been dating a guy for a little over a month and he has so much going for him and a lot of qualities that I am definitely looking for in someone, but for some reason I just don't have that "feeling" that I feel like I should be having towards him. Unlike you, I'm not comparing him to an ex, there's just something that is not there. (It sounds like you still need to deal with your issues with your ex. You're not going to be able to completely open up with someone else until you are over your ex.) I'm not overly physically attracted to him and I think that might be what the hesitation is, but I'm really trying to get over that since he has all of these other good qualities. My friends and I have talked about the 3 month mark and how that is usually a good amount of time to decide if you want to make it or break it with someone. So, I'm going to try to stick in there and hopefully my feelings will eventually change and that "passion" will come with time. Good luck!