Want to meet Ex. Have a Bf.
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| Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:28am |
Hi,
I have been dating my bf since a few months. It is a long distance relationship. I was still not over my Ex when I met my bf. And bf knew it. But with time things have gotten better as I have moved forward in my relationship with Bf. Me and Ex are in touch, although not regularly. Because we know our limits. I want to hang out with my Ex for an afternoon. I really want to. I haven't seen him since our break up, and am certainly going to be able to handle it well. I want to see how he is doing because I still care about him. He lives about 2 hours away, and I would have to drive to see him. I have NO idea what my Bf will say if I tell this to him. Will he say "go ahead" cooly(oh, wouldnt I love such a trusting, great Bf...but knowing him I know he will be upset) or will he say "i don't think you should do that". Or will he say "do whatever you want" and hang up the phone. Will I ruin my relationship with Bf if I hang out with my Ex? I am very very hesitant about discussing this because I don't want to rock the boat. Things are going very smoothly with Bf and I dont want to do anything to spoil it. I want to tell him directly that I want to meet my Ex, but at the same time I am not able to have the courage. What would you do? Am I getting all worked up for nothing? As a Bf, should he understand my reasons for meeting and trust me? How exactly should I convey this to my bf without making him feel all insecure and doubtful and without putting his mood off.
Should I just say "i am going to meet __ this afternoon to see how he is doing".
or am I supposed to ASK him "Can I go?" (I understand my Bf is NOT my Dad that I have to ask his permission). How should I word it.
And to clarify once again, I just want to go meet him. Nothing else. We have both come to terms with the reality that we dont work well as a couple.
Thank you. Hope I get out of this dilemma and anxiety and do what I have to do. Will await ur responses..

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mia9870...
If you HONESTLY "want to get out of this dilemma" (as you claim you do)...STOP COMMUNICATING WITH THE EX ENTIRELY!
There's a reason why he became THE EX....correct? Otherwise...you'd still be seeing him instead of another man right now!
You're getting a big THUMBS DOWN from PG on this if you plan to pursue the EX while trying to keep the current B/F....no matter how "harmless" you think your actions are.
Pianoguy
Are you completely over your ex now? It's not clear from your post. If you're not, I wouldn't go to see him yet.
If you are, then I would let your current bf know that you are over him, that you want to reconnect as friends and you want him to be comfortable with that if at all possible. Whatever you do, DO NOT keep it a secret.
Sheri
I agree it is going to make him uncomfortable. Ex's don't make anyone happy. But, I am also looking at this as wanting to be treated as an individual who can be trusted, and who knows what she is doing. And I want to hope that he rises above the small things, and looks at the big picture. Is this too idealistic a vision? Maybe I am idealistic.
I personally feel, that just because a relationship doesn't work out, does not mean, that two people have to separate for the rest of their lives and not see each other's faces anymore. We had a rocky relationship but our parting was amicable. I have certainly moved on with my Bf. The Ex knows it. He does not show any interest in starting anything, nor am I doing any such thing. We only want each other to be happy with whoever we choose, and whatever we do. I cannot even dream of going back with my Ex, because I know we were so incompatible. We are better off as friends. I just don't know how I am supposed to handle 'the talk'. It is even more uncomfortable for me, as it would be for him to hear.
I could be a real avoider. Because I cannot stand conflicts.
I totally agree he will be uncomfortable. But what about me wanting to have the people I want to have in my life? I dont believe a relationship is supposed to shackle someone.
I can pretty much guarantee your bf wont want you to do it - he'll understandably feel threatenened. Why do you want to meet with you ex - since it's only recently that you say you got over him, won't this reawaken all those feelings and perhaps impact your new relationship? Are you sure you don't want to meet your ex 'cause flame is still there?
If you do decide to meet him - Igather you will - naturally you don't need to ask permission but I recommend you don't withhold either. But stress to your bf this is a short meeting as friends, stress how much you care for your bf and value the relationship - offer to call right before you leave to meet your ex, and after it's done. This is to allay bf's fears if he seems to react badly.
Obviously feel things out and do things with sensitivity and understanding all around.
sherry
Thanks Sherry for laying it out clearly that I don't have to ask his permission.
Thanks everyone else..
Yes, I do agree I have to handle this with sensitivity and have to reassure my Bf well enough. And I want to say it again that this is not to rekindle anything. It's only to go say hi in person, see how he is doing, be casual, and be responsible.
A few years ago I was a big proponent of "You can't be friends with your ex". But today I am friends with all of my ex's (there are three). Each relationship is different and largely depends on how deep the emotional connection was, etc. But I keep in touch with all three of them and I wouldn't want to give that up for my next boyfriend. It would be like throwing my past away. Yes, ok, there's a reason why I'm not with those guys anymore. But the thing is, there was also a reason why I was with them and why I loved them. And there is no reason why, once you are healed, you can't have a special friendship with the person you used to be intimate with.
I think you shouldn't hide the fact you'll be seeing your ex from your bf. That would really amount to lying. And if he later finds out... well... that would jeopardise your relationship big time. But you also shouldn't be asking for his 'permission' because that also carries a grain of guilt with it. His reaction will largely depend on how you convey the message to him. If you still have romantic feelings for your ex he'll be able to tell. If it's just a friend you'd like to catch up with over a cup of coffee, and if it's obvious that you're not excited about it like a little puppy, and if your bf is a reasonable person, it should be fine. You need to reassure your bf that he's got nothing to worry about. Don't make him feel like your ex is more important to you.
But most of all, be honest with yourself. If you think there may be even a peanut of romantic love left in you for your ex, don't pursue friendship just yet.
You may end up hurting yourself.
hm...I agree with you..fully, that it is perfectly possible to remain friends with ex's, once healed. And yes, every relationship is different. It's easier to be friends with some than others.
I know I am healed, when I can imagine him with another girl, without getting tears in my eyes. When I can have a conversation with him and say bye, and not feel the need to linger on the phone. When I am not thinking about him all day long, and can perfectly enjoy my time with my new Bf. When I can fully exercise my control, and feel good and right about doing it. When I think of my Bf first to share things with (anytime I have bad news or good news) and not my Ex.
I will not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I hide my meeting with him. I will not be able to bring myself to do that since I do respect the relationship I have with my Bf.
Telling him and using the right words is what is causing me anxiety. Because I know he will certainly not be happy to hear it. And moreso because this is the first time I'd be mentioning this, since we started dating.
And I totally agree that being honest with oneself is of utmost importance.
Thank you again for ur precious words.
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