Want to meet Ex. Have a Bf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Want to meet Ex. Have a Bf.
13
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:28am

Hi,
I have been dating my bf since a few months. It is a long distance relationship. I was still not over my Ex when I met my bf. And bf knew it. But with time things have gotten better as I have moved forward in my relationship with Bf. Me and Ex are in touch, although not regularly. Because we know our limits. I want to hang out with my Ex for an afternoon. I really want to. I haven't seen him since our break up, and am certainly going to be able to handle it well. I want to see how he is doing because I still care about him. He lives about 2 hours away, and I would have to drive to see him. I have NO idea what my Bf will say if I tell this to him. Will he say "go ahead" cooly(oh, wouldnt I love such a trusting, great Bf...but knowing him I know he will be upset) or will he say "i don't think you should do that". Or will he say "do whatever you want" and hang up the phone. Will I ruin my relationship with Bf if I hang out with my Ex? I am very very hesitant about discussing this because I don't want to rock the boat. Things are going very smoothly with Bf and I dont want to do anything to spoil it. I want to tell him directly that I want to meet my Ex, but at the same time I am not able to have the courage. What would you do? Am I getting all worked up for nothing? As a Bf, should he understand my reasons for meeting and trust me? How exactly should I convey this to my bf without making him feel all insecure and doubtful and without putting his mood off.

Should I just say "i am going to meet __ this afternoon to see how he is doing".
or am I supposed to ASK him "Can I go?" (I understand my Bf is NOT my Dad that I have to ask his permission). How should I word it.

And to clarify once again, I just want to go meet him. Nothing else. We have both come to terms with the reality that we dont work well as a couple.

Thank you. Hope I get out of this dilemma and anxiety and do what I have to do. Will await ur responses..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 10:33am

All the posts were great so I won't bother to repeat them... 2 things that stuck out for me:



  • If it is so casual, why do you have to drive 2 hours to meet him? That does't seem like just a casual meeiting in my mind...

  • Would you honestly and truly be ok if the situation was reversed and he was going to see his ex?

In my opinion, I wouldn't do it. Yes, a relationship doesn't mean being shackled. BUt since this is a new relationship and your boyfriend has no relationship with your ex, it makes things a bit different.


I remember asking my brother this same question... his answer to me was that if he was in a solid relationship, he wouldn't care so long as he knew the guy and the guy hadn't tried to be shady with him. But again, since your curernt bf doesn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 2:30pm

Hi,

He actually lives 4-5 hours away in another city, but he comes to work for the weekends to a different city. He drives about 4 hours every week for his weekend job. This is the same city where I previously lived and met him. So that is how driving to where he works and stays for the weekend(with his friends) was what I was mentioning.

If the situation were reversed,(and that's a good question), I would be very uncomfortable but I would trust him and let him go. I know I will feel terrible about myself if I stop 2 people from meeting, because who knows, it really might very well be an innocent catching-up meeting. Plus, if I do stop him, will he ever feel like I am an understanding, trusting gf? Possibly not. It might affect our relationship. Yes, I might be upset and a little cold towards him for a while but things will come back to normal. I'd want to trust him, because he has earned that trust too. Plus, tomorrow, I might be in the same position, and I would need his trust too. Afterall, everyone has ex's.

U r right bklynchik, this is a new relationship. I haven't really taken that step of telling him yet about my intentions of meeting him. I know it is not wrong to meet an ex, but am holding off on it for the time being. Yeah, bf sure doesn't know him.

There is one other thing I feel. To expect to be introduced to a partner's ex, I feel, is not fair. It puts everyone in a really awkward position. All three. What do you think..

There is this guy I dated for a very short time. He and me are friends now.
Everytime I mention to my bf whether he would like to meet this guy, he says no...he will not be comfortable.

Yes, to see my bf react positively to my meeting ex sure would be a very pleasant surprise to me. Eitherways, I should be ready for the consequence when I come to it.

Thanks..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:24pm
You are SO determined to go see your Ex, you have SO many arguments about why you should be allowed to go do it. Your VERY strong desire to go see him proves that you are lying to yourself. This is no casual, just wanna say Hi. Examine your baggage more closely.

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