Wanting to date my friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wanting to date my friend
8
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:41pm
I've been friends with this girl for about 9 months now. I'm 34 and she's 25. We started seeing each other, but she wasn't interested in a relationship, just casual dating. She also said she saw me as a friend. She is also kind of a tomboy, with an interest in Martial Arts, Target Shooting, and has a pet snake. As time went on, my feelings for her grew. She is still casually seeing other guys, nothing serious. But, she also recently said how she would like to be in a loving, romantic relationship, although she says she doesn't believe in it because she has never been "in love" before. In our conversations, she said that she feels a connection to me and sees me as a friend, as someone who is "there." She doesn't see me as a guy to date, but she likes spending time with me. She also has convinced herself that I am "too old" for her. In reading between the lines, it seems like she is creating reasons to convince herself not to date me. When we sit together on the couch, she sits on the opposite end. When we hug, she leans in from the side. I know that I'm a good-looking guy as I get told that often by women, so it's not "sex appeal." She also says that she feels most like herself around me and can truly be herself around me. The thing is, I really like her and I think if she allowed our friendship to evolve to something more, it would be wonderful for both of us. I've tried various subtle things to lead down a romantic path, but she resisted. For example, she's studying to be a pilot, so I surprised her with a picnic by the airport to watch the planes take-off and land. She put up a defense saying how that's something I should do with the other girl I was dating at the time (and not dating anymore). My problem is that my feelings for her have grown strong and is now interfering with my ability to see other women without thinking about her. What can I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:36pm
Take the hints that she's throwing at you that she's not interested and quit bugging her. She's trying to be nice to you and giving you little reasons why she can't be with you. Why can't you just accept this woman as a friend, she's willing to be that with you. By keeping up the pressure and the unwelcomed romantic gestures, you're only going to make her feel more awkward and alienate her. She may then want to end the friendship with you since you are unable to leave things be.

In other words, quit looking for a way *in*- she's not interested.

She knows how you feel about her, and I'm sure that if she changes her mind she knows where to find you.

Good luck

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:25pm
I agree with the other poster, she just isn't interested and the more you try , the more you're going to push her away. I know it sucks, but thats the way it is. If you cant think of her as just a friend, then end your friendship with her because you're just going to end up liking her more and more and things will get worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:24pm
Been there dude. It's a waste of time, save your money on women that are interested back. It just sounds like she wants you to be what i call "the human tampon". She'll bleeds all her problems out on you and you'll be there at a calls notice ready to soak it up and treat her nice by taking her out, giving her gifts and ect. While at the same time telling you she doesnt want to be with you. She knows what she's doing and it isnt good. Sounds like a one-sided friendship to me that you might want to get out of ASAP. Because, what do you have to lose.........nothing. But you must take some of the blame too. You were blind to all the reg flags of "no interest", but still went for it. Last, a girls interest isnt just based on looks either, doesnt matter if you think you look good, maybe it's the way you act dude. She knows she can stomp a mud hole in you and walk it dry any time she wants. No ReSPect. Well i hope you do the right thing.

Save your Money and your Heart

Peace

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 9:29am
I have the same problem as you buddy.My friend which is a female calls me here best friend and i don't know how to deal with that.I have strong fellings for this girl and sometimes it makes me sick.I tried to ask can we have a relationship two years ago.At that time i had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend.Now were both single and i don't know what to do because i don't want to lose her to some stupid guy.I know if i had one chance with her i would never mistreat her.That's the problem every guy she meet just want to have sex with her.I just want her to see how much i care for her as a friend and something else.I have known this girl for three years and i have never made another move at her after the first time i saw her.I don't even want to have sex with her i just want her to stay in my life as a little more than just a friend.What should i do because she never really said that i was unattractive.I think she's holding something back from me.please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:04pm
I'll tell you the same thing, she knows how you feel and she knows where to find you. If she ever changes her mind, I'm sure you'll be the first to know.

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:09pm
Hey Reese101, You cant just make a girl love you. Thats something she'll have to do on her own. Like the post before this, she knows that you like her and she knows where you are if and when the time is right. The problem is that you are worshiping this girl like she's the last girl on earth dude. And the part about the other guys just wanting sex with her, come on dude, dont you think she knows this too. I'm sure she's not dumb at all. But just in case, you should add yourself to the list of guys that want sex with her too dude. If you didnt want sex with her, then why is it such a problem just being her friend? Sounds like everything you want from her you already get from her, so there's no problem, but you have to be truthful with yourself that you want a romantic sexual relationship with her and there is nothing wrong with that. You feel as if you are saving or rescuing this girl from herself or something. Girls might see that from you and run for the hills because they know that you'll be that guy that wont let them have a girls night out, call 45 times just to see where they are and ect. If she likes to see guys that only want sex, let it be, thats her choice. And, like i say, looks arent the only things girls are looking for dude, so if you feel you are cute or good looking. Check some of the other qualities that you might be lacking.

Peace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 9:35am
Some girls just don't know what's good for them. It sounds like she has a connection with you but she doesn't really want to acknowledge that. Unfortunately, you can't really change that, especially on your own. Good psychotherapy changes what a person wants. It'd be pretty hard to suggest it to her, I'm guessing, but that's probably what she needs. She may have some unresolved issues. My guess is that if you acted like those other guys she finds desirable to date, that she might start looking your way. There's something she wants, but it's not to be stomped on. She probably wants to resolve some self-worth issue with people who have treated her badly in the past. You'd have to put-on a good act to convince her, possibly, but chances are she's looking for any available target to "transfer" her unresolved feelings about the past on concerning possibly a parent, etc. It's tricky and probably not worth your while. It doesn't sound like she's ready to love. It's hard to say just what she's after. You'd probably have to ask her in ways that she didn't pick-up on that you actually care. Then you'd have to gradually lead her to see that the way she's doing things is self-defeating. It's a big task. That's why counselors go to school for years. You also have to ask yourself what intrigues you about her so much. Is it the fact that she's temptingly unavailable? Would you suddenly lose interest if she started reciprocating your feelings? People can find all kinds of ingenious ways to avoid true intimacy. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:22pm
I agree with the others. She likes being your friend but it seems as though she is a little uncomfortable with you since she knows of your feelings for her. The fact that she sits on the opposite end of the couch, she resists hugging you and she's shot down the romantic things you've tried to do with her. Verbally she is telling you she is not interested and her body language speaks volumes. If she was giving you some signs she was interested like being impressed when you turn things romantic, sitting closely towards you on the couch, hugging you tightly or other signs - I would tell you to hang in there. I would back off from the friendship a bit. That will give you a chance to meet other women who may be interested in you. You are giving her the benefits of a relationship without her having to date you or have sex with you. You take her out, hang out and try to make things romantic. Give those things to a woman who will appreciate it. In my younger days, I foolishly waited for relationships to develop between male friends and myself while I foolishly turned down nice guys who wanted to date me. I won't go down that path again. Who knows if you back off maybe she will realize what she missed and if you date somebody else and move on from her she may get jealous. Good luck.