Wanting exclusivity while dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wanting exclusivity while dating
7
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:22am
Hello,

Just wanted some advice from those who might be able to relate to my situation. I just recently broke up with someone who has a different perspective on dating. We have been seeing each other for about a month and a half and everything has been good except for the fact that he didn't want to pursue anything serious at the moment since he was in school and couldn't provide time for a relationship. So, everytime that we have either gone out or been together, I've always felt "timed" since he needed to get back to studying. I tried to be understanding because I do like him and I know how tough law school can be. Well, he just finished his exams and I was away on a trip and has just gotten back. I had to pass by his place to pick up a necklace that I had left there but also in the hopes that we can spend a bit of time together. Well, after I have walked in, he tells me that his friend was having a party and that he wanted to go but that we can chill for 10 minutes. I got so angry when he said that because here I was after a trip and he hasn't even seen me for 12 days and he doesn't want to spend a bit of time with me?? Well, I just got mad and started telling me how disrespectful this whole thing was and if he wasn't interested in me, then he should just let me know so I know where I stand. He then goes on about we started on being not serious and this was an opportunity for him to see where he was at now that he is done with school and he wanted to catch up with his friends and that he also wanted to test the waters and see what was out there and it was here when he confessed that he had been out on a date the night before. He seemed suprised that I was not at all happy with the situation. I understand that when you are "seeing" someone, then the relationship is open but to hear him say that he actually went out on a date hurt too much. At first, he wanted us to stick through it and see how it went day by day, but I guess it started to sink in that I would eventually want something long-term, then he proposed that we just be friends. At that moment, I was just so dumb-founded that I didn't know what to think, but now that I think about it, perhaps it's the best thing since I will not be able to date someone who is dating someone else. At the same time I'm hurt because I really tried everything to make him like me, and he says that I am an awesome person and I am a lot of fun to be with and there is not but here, it's just that he wants to see what else is out there. I feel really hurt and confused due to all of this and he seems like he is confused too since he is bouncing from one resolution to another. I would like to have him in my life because I do think he is a good person but at the same time perhaps it's best if I don't contact him. I just want some advice, I don't have a question in particular.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:34am
The two of you simply want different things from a r'ship. Honor yourself enough to recognize that you'd be settling for something you don't want if you continued to see him, and let go. Keeping in touch with him will just keep you in pain.

Neither of you is "wrong", it's just that you want different things.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:10pm

Hello ktorres!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 4:42pm
Thanks for your replies.

The thing is that I don't know what I want right now myself. You see, I am in the midst of choosing which grad school to go to and it all depends on how much money they are able to offer me. I thought that perhaps I would be staying in NY, but now, it seems like I will be going to DC. Therefore, it is not in my best interest to have a serious relationship right now because I am leaving in 2 months. However, what I do know, is that I would like to be treated with a little more courtesy and interest, such as making time for me when I come over. But I did enjoy his company and I do miss him.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore. It already has been more than a week and he hasn't even called to say what's up so I guess it's really over. I guess there's nothing more for me to do than to remedy this, huh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 4:53pm
unh huh... it sounds like you know what you need to do but are just having a little hard time doing it...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 10:33am
I hate to say it BUT it sounds to me like he has been very straightforward and honest about what he wants (casual, no strings dating) so I dont really think you have a right to be "dumbfounded" or surprised.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:15pm
Thanks again for all your advice.

I do realize that attempting some sort of solid relationship with his guy would be futile. However, I wish to have a cordial relationship with him and attain some level of friendship with him. At this point, that's all I really want because I do realize that I deserve to have something more than what he can offer me. This is why I have thought about e-mailing him (I deleted his number in rage after breaking it off) to catch up and asking him if he wants to get together for coffee before I head off to grad school. I know what you guys are thinking.. that I am trying to see him want more time to pursue him, but it's really not the case. At this point, all I really want is to be in good terms and to a certain extent, attain some type of closure.

I would like to word the e-mail in such a way where it comes off casual. Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:33pm

No, hon.

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