WARNING.... Amazing SEX!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
WARNING.... Amazing SEX!!!
13
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:49pm
Okay I am A little embarrassed at what I am about to reveal here......

We all remember my lovely landlord from the previous posts? ( Emotional Baggage etc )

Well all this week I have been avoiding him, not calling, not answering his calls when he calls me. Basically just playing hard to get. I found that it was having an affect on him. While he never proclaimed that he wanted anything more than friendship to develop between us, I could tell from the messages he left, and by the frequency of his calls that he was definitely looking for me. Well he called me last night on my cell phone, I huess he thought I wasn't home. I answered and he asked me where I was I tild him I was at home and he asked if he could come over... I said yes,, without any hesitation.

To make a long story short, He came over and we got physical. This man is absolutely amazing in bed. I am as impressed with his lovemaking skills as he is with mine. We truly have an earth shattering time together ( EVERYTIME ) Now my feelings for him are not what they used to be. I really only want to have sex with him now, I am still lookng for Mr. Right, I am concerned because I want to keep having sex with my friend, and I am still seeking out Mr. Right. I am worried that I will hold others to his standards and never find anypne that will match up next to him. ( Sex is just the icing on his already yummy cake) He is everything that I want in a man except he's not mine. I hope that if I continue to treat him like I only want sex that he'll see how it feels to be treated that way and decide that maybe we can be more than friends. I am prepared for that not to happen though. I know it sounds as if I am confused about him,,, Perhaps I am. I feellike I have my emotions in check now... Could I be fooling even myself

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:54pm
You're kidding yourself. He wants great, no obligation sex.

And you've given it to him. And there aren't alot of sources of that.

But what he doesn't want is to date or have a relationship - or else he'd have pursued that after round 4 last night - by asking you out.

And what is likely to be a fact is he holds a "double standard" as in any woman that does no obligation with him - isn't someone that he'd consider being in a relationship with because she "does sex like a man".

Meaning - there is no obligation, there is no communication, everything is just "repeated one-nighters"....and that is a male thing...and when a man wants that - he seeks it but genereally the women taht give it to him are considered "buddies with different genetalia."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:04pm
Okay, You Make a couple of good points. One thing I left out was that he always knew that I wanted him for more than a sexual partner from the beginning, He also is aware of the fact that I am sleeping with only him. I don't think that he thinks I " do " sex like a guy. IF anything I think that he has been made aware that I am settling on the sex, to keep him around more or less. He knows that I want him, and he knowa how I want him.

He has still made the decision to continue being with me intimately, and telling me that he cares for me, Putting me under the impression that one day he will be ready for more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:17pm
<<>>. Words escape me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:03pm
Okay....let's put this in perspective.

You're saying you want more and he's aware of it. That doesn't obligate him not to engage in sex if youo're willing - without wanting or going further emotionally on his part.

I almost hear you saying "I wouldn't be a screw-buddy" - yet you're being a screw buddy hoping he'll want more than a screw buddy - when all he wants is a screw buddy.


You're saying "you've made him aware that you're settling for sex hoping to get more".....

Here's the flip side - you've give him what he wants and all that he wants with no obligation for "more" emotionally on his part.

In short, you're trying to control what he wants with what he gets. But that doesn't work. Because all he wants is all he's getting, it's you that wants more and because he oesn't - you can't get "more" no matter how much you give him what he wants.

You're doing uncommunicated negotiating....you're saying "I'll settle for waht you want now - in exchange for getting what I want later."

Only, he hasn't agreed to it.

And you're going to find out how this works. Right now if you call him up often and want to hang out and hook up - he's going to be pretty pleased. New partners are always fun.

But quickly you're going to want to start having convesations, or he's going to have the opportunity to hang out with his other friends at a time when you want him to yourself -a nd he's going to refuse and you're going to be "hurt" and if you show that hurt - he's going to be "confused".

Because he didn't get in this for more than hanging out and hooking up on his terms, and at his convenience, and for his benefit. And he's never left that square one position.

You on the other hand moved off waht you wanted - give him what he wanted -t hinking that effort, sacrifice, and your desirability would have him changing his mind. You're going to be saying "i've given up so much and have nothing, why are you doing this to me, you led me on, etc."

And - you're going to have to deal with him turning at every attractive woman, and perhaps asking her out when you're around. A f(*k buddy is just that - it's about sex without obligation, but sometimes with exclusivity if you discuss and agree to that.

But if he finds someone attractive, and she flirts with im in your presence - he's likely to flirt back or ask her out. In HER - he's interested in pursuing whatever attention he can get from her, or in finding another source of no obligation sex. In you - he's got what he wants, when he wants, on his terms without obligation......

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:22pm
I believe you have hit the proverbial nail right on the head.

I know at some point I will be over him totally. I thought that if I was more receptive to the idea of being just friends, In my own mind I thought it would help me deal with the fact that I don't always see him when I want. I thought that if I could convince myself that we were just friends and I as cool with that, that I would not long for him like I have in the past. I was hoping that that would enable me to kind of get over him silently rejecting the idea of a commotted relationship with me.

Tell me this though... Off the Cuff...

They say that women secrete this hormone after lovemaking, I can't remember what they call it right now, But supposedly we secrete this hormone that makes us all "soft and pink" after we have made love, it make us feel more emotionally attached to our sex partner after orgasm. Do men also have this same hormone? And what does it mean when a man will tell you things while making love that he won't come out and say over dinner?

I ask this because my guy is really affectionate when we are together, he uses a lot of pet names and his demeanor is noticably more pleasant and attentive.

One more question.

If a man asked you to have sex with someone else and tell him that it was awful and that you had to think about him to come.( Orgasm ) What would your first thought of that uy be.

Please be honest in your response, as I am looking for the first thing that pops in mind when you hear this request.

Thanks,

Your responses have been very insightful and well written.

I appreciate your advice

Unhappily

sylence29@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 5:10pm

You might have better luck with your questions on the "Let's Talk About Sex" board, or the "Dr Ruth Board" or the Orgasm board, or whatever.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 5:16pm
Look - this business about an "emotional bond as a reult of sex" - is just about the biggest bunch of justification and rationalization crap that is coming down the pike.

Sex....it's a physically gratifying act between two consenting and skilled adults, period.

If you emotionally associate sex with "love"...and then you believe that love is shown by pet names, and physically affectionate behavior....that is where the "problem" for you is.

It's that you have sex...and the guy calls you "hunny bunny" because it's just a cute name because he thinks you have a nose like a rabbit all scrunched up after sexual pleasure. He does it in jest. Your emotional association vocabulary says "pet names = I want a relationship with you"......and so yu believe "oh, he called me a pet name, that means he wants more and that is his way of saying it".

This is easier to explain coming thru the back door...but no guy that has slept with you, talked with you, had dinner with you...is afraid to "tell you what he wants with you". It's that you want and expect and desire to hear something that you're not hearing - that there is all of this reading into actions and using previous experience associations - that is the problem at hand.

If you want to address if sex is "just sex"....look at the myriad of guys that can pick up a girl in a bar, take her out back and do her, and then back in and find another woman to take home, after hours as well.

Sex is just sex. There is no secret hormone or portion that if administred or secreted at a particular time makes a man's mind turn to mush and want obligation and commitment.

That's the other thing...women have 'dating' and "relationship" intertwined - and they're SO NOT. Lots of people are dating -w hich is nothing about fun, sex if agreed to, shared companionship, conversations and interests - there is no "future" in regard to dating. Most men don't date with the idea 'she might be the one". Men date to find out if they enjoy spending ime with you - because it meets their needsa nd is on their terms.

It's when the timing is right in their life - because a relationship doesn't make you waht you're not and men know it and women seem to have a harder time with that fact - in terms of professionally, financially, personally - that they then, if they valued it already, say "i want to date to find a partner in life". Till then - they're just dating to share conversation, sex, events, and interests and becuase you're attractive, intelligent, and socially skilled - they're dating you.

But a relationship is NOT the fun and frivolity that dating is....a relatinship is considering your partners needs equally with your own, it demands honest communication and often compromise and concession, it requires that you form a life together, meaning you will make huge sacrifices in some aspects to your options and potential. A relationship is a job, it's not just the "benefits package review" that dating is.

And so until a man wants that job, and is prepared to take it on and make those sacrifices without regret - he's not "dating to find a partner". Which is what enables them to have sex with numerous women...they don't have this emotional association string that goes

fun/date/attraction/sex/commitment/relationship/happiness/success/security/social status

they have all those things individually broken out, and available to them if they are wiling to define and pursue it.

Women often don't...that is why they "fall in love" with guys that are "having sex with them". I can't tell you how many men I know that have said to me "I had to break up with Julie because we were just dating in my book, and we were having a relationship in hers."

And she would begin to want to encompass all his time, she'd begin to tell him what was right and wrong to do (look at other women, pursue his sports, spend time with friends), she'd wantto have "social engaggements" that required his commitment - and he wanted no part of that.

And the second that 'dating Julie" didn't meet his needs or interfered with his goals - he was no longer dating Julie. And I've met a few of the Julie's that those guys are no longer dating....and she's in a torrent of tears, in agony about what she should change in order to "get him back", and she goes on and on about all that they shared and did together. And I'm thinking "funny, none of that must have meant much to him, because he never mentioned in it in our training sessions or while we were sharing personal stories about our lives on our team meetings."

And that's the bottom line...she put alot of "stock" in him meeting her parents -that meant that the relationship was going somewhere. No, it meant that he went because he had nothing better to do and didn't mind accommodating her request.

If a man asked you to have sex with someone else and tell him that it was awful and that you had to think about him to come. AS FAR AS THIS QUESTION GOES..I'm nt sure I understand it.

So if this isnt' the question - ask it more clearly and I" happy to answer.

If a man I was dating and/or having "Just sex" with asked me to have sex with another man.....I'd walk of and that would be the end of that. No further affiliation.


Because here's the thing....infatuation is "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of your attention." Which is fine. If you're dating - that period lasts about 3-9 months becuase you're trying to impress and please this person - and that is so gratifying - it's like being at the British tea party. "My dear, you look splendid in that dress"...follow by "and Reginald, darling, you look positively dashing in those spats and that cutaway."

That period is you seeing yourself thru their attention and desire for you - and those rose colored glasses have you liking waht you see. AFter 3-9 months - real life and real obligations move back into the forefront and attention to you has to compete with paying the bils or raising the kids. At that point - there is objectivity - and you can see this person more clearly for who the are - not just what attention they give you that makes you so giddy you can't see striaght for a week. If true admiration, respect, acceptance and undersatnding of them as an individual based on their character and values and goals is what develops - there is friendship...and there might be true love int he making - it'd take sveral years to know.

But if what happens when responsiblity and real life kicks in and infatuation fades...is that you look at this person and go "ummm, you're not ALL that, we really don't agree on many things I consider important, we're really not that compatible except in bed and in a social setting, we don't share many goals, interests, priorities or standards"..and so you go your separate ways because by affiliation with them when you don't think they're all that - you don't see them as vital to your life.

In a true FFWB situation - the respect, admiration, and acceptance of them as a person - not what feelings or options they bring to your life - was well established. And it is two people who don't want a relationship with each other, or usually anybody else due to other priorities and commitments in life in other areas, and they both like sex, this is someone they can trust to be exclusive or tell them if they've found someone else to sleep with, and after the sex is done.....the friendship of admiration and respect of this person's character is still intact and thre is still interaction.

In a booty call situation...which is no obligation sex, with repeated one-nighters with somenoe that other than based in attraction to them physically - you don't really know them personally, existentially, fundamentally, and elementally......there is no respect and admiration for them as a person at the beginning...and it is not likely to develop. Because the only commonality that you had was a physical attraction that culminates in sex every time you meet - with meeting specifically being about getting laid. Despite the pet names and perhaps movies or casual dinners..there is not alot of shared interests or interaction or goals - outside of hanging out to kill time, and hooking up because it feels good and is an option that presents no requirement of either of you later.

So as I see it - a man asking me to have sex with someone else - be it in a 3-some situation with him...or without him present....that doesn't show knowledge, respect, admiration, and acceptance of me as a person - that's not my chracter, it doesn't hold with my values. It's not that they've "insulted me" by asking - it is thier right to ask. But they've shown me how little they know me..and thus thre is no possiblity that what is between us involves respect and admiration of one another as individuals.

In which case...telling them that I could only hve an orgasm with the other guy is if I was thinking about him.....is a "slutty" remark. It's basically trying to compliment him - but insulting yourself instead.

It's you trying to say "you're so important to me, and such a priority with me that I couldn't really "feel" that way about anybody else and thus the reaction wouldn't be possible without thinking of you." That is attempting to convey love and adoration.

But in reality waht you're saying is "whatever you want me to do that keeps your attention or your interests, I'll do it. Even if I don't like it, or if it violates my standards. But I'll do it while thinking of you, because this is about impressing, pleasing and aligning with you. On my own, I'd never do this but for you I will".

The message that sends is pretty easily understood by whoever you're talking to - you're saying you're so much better of a person, so much smarter and more worthy than me - Ill do whatever you say without considering my own best interests. I'm counting on you to do that, and if you don't, it's okay - I'm worth nothing anyway and I am just here for your pleasure and entertainment."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com






Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 6:06pm
I think she's talking about oxytocin, a hormone released either during or after sex which supposedly does have the effect of causing women to become emotionally attached to their partners (so there's a biological reason for it, not just because women are weak in this regard ;-)). Men secrete it also but apparently it does not have the same effect on men.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 6:40pm
If they're saying thre is a hormone released that causes you to be "emotionally less balanced" I'll go there.

But I still say it is the personal association with fun/dating/sex/love/romance/commitment/happiness/success/security along with societal standards about how a woman is incomplete if she's without a partner in life...that has that "period of instability" being utilized as it is.

If it were that true.....where I've been in Europe...then those women sure enough must be lacking in that hormone. I've seen some of the French women do what we'd call a man a 'dog' for doing. And not because they were angry or upset, or not becuase they were trying to prove a point to someone else either.

They were just horny, wanted some, found a source, took what was offered....went back and found another source or two within the same night. Most of them were shocked to find out that if you lived at home and were of adult age that you didn't bring men home to sleep over and take them to the breakfast table with daddy the next morning....and not announcing "we're engaged" either!


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 12:39am

Ah.

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