Was I used?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Was I used?
8
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:00am
Ok here's my story.I was introduced to this really nice and shy guy Friday night and we hit it off so well we ended up going out for coffee and talked til 4 in the morning,before we left he gave me his number so the next night (Sat) I gave him a call and he came over to my house.It was a little weird at first because we are both very shy people and it was hard to keep a conversation going there for awhile,but we eventually loosened up.

He kept falling asleep on the couch so he asked if he could stay on the couch for the night so he wouldn't have to drive home so late at night.I said yes and grabbed a pillow for him and we started kissing and one thing lead to another and we ended up in bed together.I just felt so comfortable being with him.The next morning I woke him to tell him what time it was because he said he had to work and he grabbed my hand and wrapped it around him and we spooned.That is just a great feeling when someone wants you that close to them.He acted like he really enjoyed being with me as I did with him.He ended up falling asleep again and every time I tried to roll away to get more comfortable he would grab my hand and wrap it around him again.So a few hours later I woke him again to tell him what time it was and he jumped out of bed and got dressed and left.I thought everything was great,he gave me no indications that he is a jerk or a user.He just seems like a nice guy that is shy.

I didn't call him that night thinking maybe he will call but he didn't so I tried calling him the next day(today) and I left him a message and he hasn't returned my call.Now I'm all nervous that he used me.But then again he just doesn't seem like that type and I know he hasn't been in a relationship in a long time so I shouldn't be thinking he is just looking to get laid.But why hasn't he called?Do you think maybe I am just jumping the gun here and expecting to much to soon?Is it normal for a guy not to return a call the same day you called?This dating thing is all new to me.I was married for 9 years and together with my x for 14 years so I am not to sure how this is suppose to go.Please don't jump down my throat for sleeping with him so soon...It just felt right/comfortable and I truly don't believe there should be a time limit on when to have sex with someone.

If he doesn't call me tomorrow should I wait a few days and try calling him again?I hate this...I hate not knowing what the right thing is and I don't want to sound desperate.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:19am

Well, first of all, NO, you weren't "used", you took the risk of sleeping with someone you didn't know well because it felt right to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:58am
Well, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger... and hopefully wiser (smile).

Not jumping down your throat, hon, but I really feel like it's risky to sleep with a virtual stranger. You keep saying he was "shy," but he doesn't sound very shy to me. He was bold enough to ask to come over to your house rather than take you out on a date, and then he was bold enough to ask to stay over. I think this "shy" guy knew exactly what he was doing. He saw an opportunity with you and he took advantage of it. I'm not saying he took advantage of YOU, because you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. But it sounds like he knew you were a bit vulnerable after your divorce and yearning for "closeness."

But, as you say, you did what felt right to you at the time. And no... there's no time limit on when to have sex, if that's what you want.

But you also are new to dating. So don't forget the feeling you're having right now. It doesn't feel good to "give" yourself to someone and then wonder if they did a number on you. The best way to avoid this feeling in the future is to take your time and get to know the man before becoming physical. Then you can make an informed decision about whether you are game for sex without any other promises.

And finally, I think it should have been HIM who called the next day, after you allowed him to stay at your house. And certainly he should have returned your call. If you hear from him again, I would be polite but aloof. You don't have to say it outright, but he should get the message that it's not OK with you for him to come spend the night and then not call to say "thanks for the evening," or return your call.

There are gentlemen out there who would treat you much better than that. Next time, you'll probably want to take a little more time and get better results.

Take care, and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:44am
It sounds like he had you right where you wanted him. It doesn't sound like usery, it sounds like mutual consent.

Why does someone have to be blamed? You do not have to blame him any more than you have to blame yourself. Why can it not simply be a nice experience that you had, that you remember fondly, that you wish had continued, but one that did not continue?

You can learn some valuable things from it if you will listen to your thoughts, and you can find some pleasant comfort in a recent memory of an intimate experience.

Once you have that worked out, think about how you would approach it in the future, and set some guidelines for yourself that wont leave you feeling uncomfortable.

Good luck,

dh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 8:17am
There is no time limit for when to have sex unless you know you get attached from sex and have all sorts of expectations from a man who promised you nothing - no commitment or anything - given your level of attachment and expectations which to me are unrealistic (of course he's entitled to assume you're fine with just getting laid - there was no discussion to the contrary and you didn't set any boundaries - not saying you're not a great person for liking casual sex but you are being unfair to subject him to what I see anyway as unrealistic expectations) - you should put a time limit so that you don't have sex without a commitment and until after you've been dating a few months so you don't go through this icky feeling of feeling used. Think about it this way- you felt so comfortable having sex - do you feel so comfortable with the fact that he might never call you again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:03am
Give him more time. Haven't you ever heard of the three-day rule? It's fine, chill out. Just don't call him again and see if he calls you. Go from there....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:29pm
I have to be honest..jdarkhorse's advice is right to the point and something that I have learned from a recent experience. The fact that you felt the "spark" to be intimate and went with your gut instinct is something you should not be overly analytical about. Take this experience with you. If he calls you, then great...maybe you can discuss his lack of communication with you since his "overnighter". For now, just take the pleasure of the memory with you...and recognize that you questioned yourself whether it was too soon. Life is a journey...the best thing we can do is go with the flow and be aware.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:39pm
You were NOT used.

Here's the thing...people's values justify and entitle their actions. So it is patterns you want to look at if possible but NEVER review individual situations as if they're in a vacuum and exempt from the values of the people involved.

You're thinking that he's shy.....what you mean is that he's uncommunicative. He's not shy. He met you and talked till 4am. He then came to your house the next day, was falling asleep, asked to sleep over, and had sex. He is not "shy" by any definition that anybody has for that word.

What you mean is that he's uncommunicative. Because you didn't force yourself to communicate and you went with what 'felt good' - which is fine and your perogative - you're now not sure what him having sex with you meant.

Well, what it didn't mean is that 'he likes you as a person'. He doesn't know you. He knows you in terms of conversation, with no real interaction in any sense.

But here is what you do know about him....his values justify physical gratification(sex) without communication or obligation. So what he's doing with you -he's doing with any other woman that considers him shy and is willing to participate in sex and just 'hanging out'.

That's a fact...whether he's finding anybody else that falls into this category, only he knows.

But he did not use you - he didn't promise to date you (and is unlikely he will) he didn't promise anything....he simply offered you companionship and sex and snuggling - that is all you were wnating at the time and you didn't "have that" in exchange for a date, or future contact...or if you did have it with that in mind as being part of the deal - you need to stop thinking like that if you're going to be in he single world and not go around thinking that you're "used".

Dating isn't a relationship...it doesn't always lead to a relationship. But hanging out and hooking up rarely leads to dating.

People pursue waht they want...what he didn't pursue was making plans, taking you somewhere, and getting to know you upright and vertical. What he did was have mutual sexual attraction in a place hwere you two spent alot of time in conversation...which doesn't mean anything he said was the truth based on YOUR definitions, interpretations, and standards. You just simply took waht he said - put your own interpretation on it - made a chracter assessment based on your assumptions...and then roceeded to "feel" bonded with him and thus have him to your home, have sex...and you probably don't know his last name, or much about him at all...such as is he dating someone exclusively and having some fun on the side with you?

So, he didn't pursue dating..he hasn't pursued more contact...what he did pursue was "sex and snuggling" he's gotten that. He might come back wanting more of that...he might come back wanting to date, that's possible.

But just remember - what peoplpe pursue is what they want. So once they have what it is they're pursuing...if they were NOT interested in you as a person, or getting to know you as a person - then they're likely done with you unless you're wlling to have repeat "one nighters".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: heathersdream
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:42pm
Well first of all nobody used you. He didn't whisper sweet nothings at you and promise a lifelong committment, you two got busy and it was consensual. No using going on.

Who knows what is going on, maybe he's busy. Give him a few days to respond. If he doesn't, then he was just looking to get laid.