Was I wrong to make a move?
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| Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:29pm |
My feeling for him, however, started changing after some time. I didn't say anything and we went on being just friends. After about a year, I started cutting out on the intense friendship (talking on the phone almost everyday (spread out cross-country) and emailing/chatting everyday) in the hope that either he would say something or that I would be able to back out of it without getting too hurt.
He never took the hint and I was weak. So, we still went on being "friends".
After three years, when we still hadn't met and there was no change in the relationship, I couldn't take the dilemma any longer. I told him how I felt. But he didn't feel the same way. He said that he truly valued me as a friend but didn't think that we were more. I told him then that I needed space and though we would always be friends, I felt that it would be best to not be in touch the way we were. We were both miserable but recognized that it would be the "fair" thing to do.
It's been some time. I am miserable, heart-broken and extremely lonely. I miss my friend. I haven't been in touch with him ever since we "broke up". He wrote a couple of times but I never answered back. I know he misses me and he too is very sad. And I may be wrong in cutting it completely off...but I don't think I could deal with it.
Some things keep racing through my mind all the time: Was I wrong to feel the way I felt? Was I wrong to tell him how I felt? Could I have done it differently? Should women really NOT make the first move?
Cassie.

On the other hand, I feel really bad (and irrational) about breaking the friendship. I DO think I owed more to it. He and I have been there for each other through some very tough spots. But I was hurting so bad (and still am) that I thought if HE can't give more, I shouldn't either.
Am I wrong?
Should I write to him? I never even answered when he wrote to me the last time.
I think you are doing the right (and fair) thing....for both you. You--because you will never be satisfied or fulfilled knowing that you can not have "more" than what there IS; and him--because he does not/can not return the feelings you want. In other words, you are not on the same emotional page, and that "imbalance" will create strain, stress, and pressure (psychologically, emotionally) that aren't really ingredients of a healthy and positive relationship -- friendship or otherwise.
It will be a lot more painful if you (or him) will hold on to each other. Letting go is not easy, especially if you deeply care for someone and the friendship you both shared. but the sooner you do it, the sooner you are able to grieve, heal at your pace, move on and find someone who DOES return your feelings.
Sometimes, the way to save a friendship is to end it.
Only you know if it is the right thing to write him or not. But as you said, what will it accomplish? Will you be able to bear the consequence of a response....or even yet...a NON-response from him?
I believe that you should let it go. Hold your ground and be strong. You have your reasons for ending it, and no one can judge why you have to do it, except you. Ambivalence is a normal reaction, I think, to a loss and the process of grieving. But in the end, you alone know why you have to do what *you* have to do. If he is a real friend, he will respect your decision.
Thank you for responding.
You are SO right when you say "Sometimes, the way to save a friendsip is to end it."
It's been over two months now that I have stayed away from contacting him...my friend, who was my everything and in whom I confided everything...whom I spoke with everyday and talked about everything and nothing.
I am hurting...even now...and I know I will for some time to come. But I WILL be able to cope with it. I will moan and groan and keep losing weight (that's probably the only good thing of a depression) and I know eventually, I will come out of it.
Some few close friends have reproached me for breaking the friendship. But I felt that I couldn't keep it. And as you understand and point out, it's not "healthy" for either one of us or for our "friendship". It would turn out to be the same vicious circle.
When we parted, he said he would contact me only on "formal" occasions and he wrote on my Birthday to wish me. I didn't respond to it. It would only lead to the same hurtful thing again.
He IS a good friend. He was extremely hurt that I wanted to break it but he said he cares about me and understands how I feel and he respects me and my decisions. So, he will do as I say and keep his distance.
Isn't it strange how he cares for me enough to side by what I asked for? Makes me wonder why things couldn't be different...
But oh well, they are NOT. And I AM dealing with it.