Wasting my time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wasting my time?
3
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:55pm

Hello everyone. I am friends with a man that I have known for about 4 years or so. I am regrettably returning to the life of being single after being married for 15+ years, so this dating thing is totally new to me again lol. He and I are *not* dating, but still maintain a half assed friendship. Months ago I emailed him about some unusual behaviour he exhibited towards me that he never had done before, and he responded that he is a flirt and that is all that there was to it. I didn't get that impression at all, but let it go.

Since thenanytime we are in a situation where, for example,typically friends would hug goodbye, we both dodge one another. I am saddened by this, as I truly value his friendship and wish I had never asked about his behaviour. He made a comment about my not being satisfied with the progression of our friendship. I have no idea where this came from, and as far as I am concerned, a "progressing" friendship is different than "just friends"...or am I totally wrong? So, I am really confused...we get along great and have the same interests, but if the situation gets where there is a chance "something" could happen...we both get nervous and abruptly stop it. I won't even look at him. I can stand by him, go out with him and there's no issue. It just seems to get uncomfortable when I am leaving..strange huh? I just don't know! He never contacts me unless I initiate it first. I just don't understand what if anything is going on? I know that he was really hurt from his previous relationship, and hasn't had a steady gf in 7 months or so.
However, this weekend he initiated "the sex talk". Generally speaking though, not making any reference to it happening between us. It's so frustrating...I think I need to just let him go and not even continue the basic friendship because I have started to have more than just friends feelings for him. I am sad to think this feeling is mine alone - I just don't know what to think anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 10:49pm
I think the two of you cannot connect, because you are both afraid and put up a wall, which drive each other further away. He senses your tenseness, so he backs off. You sense him backing off, so you put up more walls. And it goes on. You need to have an open chat with him. Let him know that "it's not him. You are being overly cautious, because the entire dating scene is new to you". He will probably tell you he's nervous too. Some ice should be broken and the two of you can begin being open and honest with one another. To build a relationship there has to be some trust (that the other person won't stomp all over your emotions and toy with your affection). It seems you are at a stalemate, because neither of you are willing to trust the other a bit. Let him know what you're afraid of and let him express his fears as well. Then compromise with each other to make the other person more comfortable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:27pm
Hello gingersnappelle...I wanted to thank you for your post...I think that you are absolutely right in what you said.
He and I have been chatting about relationship experiences and it's pretty obvious how burned he is by his last one. On the other hand, I am of the mindset that there are two sides to every story, and now that I have gotten to know him better , it's obvious to me that his growing up years and life experiences pretty much groomed him to be the reserved and cautious man I talk to. As for me, I know I'm confused and I think it's in my best interest to deal with my marriage ending and my kids right now..leaving this friend as just a friend. Perhaps once I am in a better position and figure out who I am, I'll be ready for a relationship.
Thank you again for your insightful post..I truly appreciated it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:55am

It sounds like neither one of you are really ready for a relationship. You should join us on Single Mothers and Dating.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&nav=start

There is also another good board. Dating as a Single Parent.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-psdatesingle&nav=start

If you are newly divorced you need to take time get get your life established and discover who you are as a single person. You were in a long time marriage. I divorced after 21 years of marriage. Talk about being shoved out of your comfort zone!!

You are not yourself for the first year. ONE of the biggest mistakes I made was dating only 5 months after my divorce was final. But, it has been 4 years and I have met someone. It takes time

Stephanie




Edited 8/16/2006 10:58 am ET by texas_mom1991