Wasting my time, or waiting patiently?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Wasting my time, or waiting patiently?!
1
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 6:17pm
I am so confused. I have been fighting with myself over whether the relationship I am in needs to end, or whether I am overreacting. I had a crush on Mat for a long time before we actually got together, and in addition, he was my brother's roommate at the time, and it was taboo for me to date him...but it worked out somehow, and now we've been together for 2 years exactly. He is 27, and I am 20. I have always known that someday, I want to get married and have a family. I'm not going to live with any boyfriend before I am married, and that is how I have always thought. I always told myself that after Mat and I passed the 2 year mark, I was going to ask him if he intended to get married someday. The question is general-it doesn't involve me asking him whether I'm the one he wants to marry, and it doesn't even give a time frame...it's just a very simple question of his desire to be married some time in his future. He is in his first year of firefighting right now, which is a probationary period for everyone during their first year in this job, and I understand that his focus is career-centered right now. He answered my question with a solid "maybe." This answer just doesn't leave me at peace. I told him that I didn't want to be with him if he didn't want to get married someday, because that's a part of my life plan that isn't going to change. He responded by telling me that he wasn't putting it out of the question completely, but he was just telling me that he "hadn't even thought about it." I don't understand how one can be in a long term relationship, be 27 years old and very settled, and not even allow marriage to cross his mind. I suppose I just don't understand as well as I thought, atleast, how men's minds work. He has a problem with the fact that our relationship is the first very serious, long-term relationship I have been in, really, and he said he's "been waiting for me to date other people." This really hurt my feelings, and made me feel like he is trying to push me away. We do have a lot of laughs together, and we are very close, but he never shows me affection, which makes me feel inadequate and unloved. I know he loves me, he has told me many times, and occasionally we'll cuddle, and it's nice, but I never get a hug or a kiss when I could really use one. At the end of our long marriage discussion, He told me to wait until his time as a probationary firefighter was up, and then mention this whole thing again, about marriage being in the life plan, and he'd try to figure it out by then. My problem is, I feel like I'm lowering my standards of an answer by waiting another ten months (yes, 10 months!!!) for an answer which may, yet again, not really be an answer at all. I don't think it's fair for me to wait 10 months for another "maybe." If he really cared about me, wouldn't he be initiating a conversation about this, trying to keep our relationship together, instead of my initiating it, and his indifference is causing me (and only me, I know this for sure) to lose sleep at night??? Won't I regret it if I don't wait the 10 months, and he marries someone else at that time, when I have invested 2 years of myself in being "us"? I would appreciate any thoughts, anything that will help me make an informed decision that I will stand behind completely. I'm sure it's very obvious to you what course of action I should take, but my thoughts are in such disarray, I am lost. Thanks!

Avatar for chrysalis2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:06pm
Here is what I think about the situation (and believe me, Im no pro at the dating thing!)

I think that you should wait the 10 months for several reasons. One, you are 20 years old are you in that much of a hurry to get married? Two, at least there is a maybe, maybe he isnt ready to say definatly that he will want to marry you in the future because he doesnt know what can happen between now and then. I honestly think that him telling you to give him till his probation is up is a very mature step for him. He wants to be setteled completely in his life before taking on the responsibility of a wife and family and such. He says he loves you, I would believe him. And men, at least the ones I have known, are not generally very affectionate in the ways that we think of affection, they just show it differently. If you are worried about waiting another 10 months to get another maybe, then maybe when the 10 months gets here and if he says he still isnt sure, THEN you can maybe take a break. I wouldnt just give up on someone you love because he isnt ready right now to marry. It will come in time, if it is meant to come at all!

I hope this was helpful, if it wasnt Im sorry, but Im sure someone on here can give you some good advice!