weird

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
weird
9
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 8:33pm

Does anyone think it is strange that after spending time with someone for about 14 months, I have not even met his friends, co-workers, or family? He has met some of my friends during this time and when I talk about friends I always attach a name so he knows who I am talking about. He's not a loner and when he does mention friends but gives no names or sometimes no gender to these friends of his. I have heard him talking to a few friends on the phone. He's extremely shy and is sort of socially awkward. This is from my observation of him and the way he behaves with my friends.

Here's a bit of history: I met this guy last year in late May and did not start dating until the beginning of June of last year. During our four months of dating he decided that I was not 'the one' for him and he wanted only friendship from me. That hurt alot cuz I was already falling for him at that time. I stopped contact with him for about three weeks after that and then resumed seeing each other again about every two weeks as friends. It was hard being friends and after two months of hanging out as friends. I ended it and stopped contact with him early this year in January for about another two months.

After two months of no contact, we started to hang out again in March but a little at a time, once every three weeks or so. I had to start out slow and get used to the friendship. It was a bit awkward in the beginning but I got the hang of it we were both comfortable with the friendship. We have been seeing each other more often since June about once a week but we are just friends and nothing more.

So I am wondering, is this strange that I don't really know how he behaves with his friends, co-workers or even family? I am starting to get a weird feeling about this. Am I his friend? Is he hiding something from me? I am afraid to ask since he seems a little sensitive because of his shyness. Normally I can figure out a person not only by spending time with them alone but also by seeing how he behaves with his friends and my friends.

Thanks for reading and your insights are much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 8:50pm
I absolutely think that he's not thinking about you in terms of longevity. When people are serious about each other, they are proud to introduce their partners to their friends and family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:10pm
That's a very good point, but we are not dating romantically. We are just friends and as friends I find this behavior a bit strange. He's an extremely shy, reserved and quiet 35 year old man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 11:54pm
I dated a quiet reserved guy just like yours. We had some mutual friends, but he had a group of other friends, I knew nothing about. He also made zero effort with my family and friends. And in my three years of dating him, I met his family about three times. These mysterious men usually have lots to hide. Even if he is just a friend, he should be a little more open about his life. Either he's ashamed of his family / friends or he's a compulsive liar, or he has a completely separate life that his friends and family could slip of the tongue.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:51am
Maybe he has no friends and isn't close to his family. If he speaks in generalites, he could be covering up for the fact that he is not close to too many people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 2:18am
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that he should be a little more open about his life and thanks for your insight. I think he's not ashamed of his family. He talks about his parents alot and is a very dutiful loving son. A compulsive liar seems unlikely but who knows. He has bended the truth before when he was trying to please me because he did not want to lose my friendship. He did hide the fact that he was still looking around when we were dating. Maybe the best thing to do is to casually bring up the fact that I am starting to feel uncomfortable with his secretiveness but I am not sure how to do that since he so shy and seems like it might be a sensitive subject.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 2:26am
That's a very good point and I have suspected for some time that he had no friends because he wanted so badly to still be my friends and hang out after he decided he didn't want a romantic relationship with me anymore but just recently I have discovered that he house-sat for a friend who was away on vacation. I don't think I would let anyone house sit for me if I don't trust him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 11:13am

I don't think it's weird if he is just a friend; I have plenty of friends I spend time with one on one and don't meet their other friends or family. Also, is he secretive, or just doesn't talk about them much? There is a subtle difference there - if he seems like he avoids your questions, he is being secretive. If he doesn't talk to them much or spend much time with them, he may just not have much to say.

He also may not want to reference "Bob" if you're not going to know who he's talking about anyway...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 2:03pm

I can't really tell if he is being secretive because I have stopped asking questions when we were dating romantically and I guess I have not made that transition of a friendship where I can just ask him anything. When my friends (different friends) have met him at both stages (while dating and just hanging out as friends) they said that he was a bit quiet and not very engaging in conversation. He'll just answer questions quickly without elaborating and seems a bit closed.

You made a good point about the fact that maybe he doesn't spend much time with his friends or just doesn't have much to say. I just can't figure it out. He does however talk more about his relatives because he does spend more time with them but does this mean that he doesn't have a lot of friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
In reply to: sweetpea2800
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 6:37pm
I think it's very possible he doesn't have many close friends. He could be embarrassed that he has only a handful of friends. Vague answers to your questions or not elaborating on a story are a couple of signs. Yeah, I agree that some people don't have much to say, but most people will tell a good story every now and then about his and his buddies' night on the town.