Weird behavior of guys....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Weird behavior of guys....
7
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:01pm
Before I ask my question...I suppose I'll give you a bit of some background info. There is this guy and I who have known each other for a year. We've talked online on and off since we got to different schools a few hours away. This past summer, our relationship progressed and he started calling me everyday for a few weeks. That has to be an obvious sign of real interest right? We started spending time together over at each other's houses. We've been intimate but I don't know if that's relevant. But then we both got busy with work and summer school and couldn't see each other as often. He continued to call me once a day and vice versa. Last week he didn't call me at all. For about a week and two days...I didn't hear from him. Yes, I could have called him but the thing is, the last two/three times I did he was preoccupied so I figure I'd let him call me when he had time. I finally called him at the beginning of this week and we had a normal conversation like always.

Now to my question about his behavior. I invited him to come along to the club with me and my friends and he said he didn't like to do 'that kind of stuff' and pretty much flat out said 'I don't want to go.' I said okay fine. Nothing wrong with that. I understand some guys really don't like to dance/go to clubs. So I go with my friends and we are all having a good time, all of a sudden I look down to the dance floor and there he is! WITH ANOTHER GIRL. I don't understand this. He said he didn't want to go but shows up with his cousins and a girl. He was the only one with a girl. Okay, so we aren't in a serious relationship and I don't have the gf title but do I have a right to get mad? It's the fact that he intentionally brought someone else while knowing I was there and after telling me he didn't like clubs. I don't get it.

I've always felt that something wasn't 'right' with our relationship. And I regret not talking to him about it but the right time just hasn't come along.

I guess what I'm asking is for some insight and or advice.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:28pm
Well, IMO, the only sure sign that a man is really interested in you is when he asks you out on dates as well as calling to talk. Visiting and having sex with at each other's homes or just hanging out is not dating. My guess is that he realized that you thought you were "seeing each other", and he wanted to disavow you of that notion, which is why he did what he did. It was a cruel, immature, and insensitive way to get the message across to you and it reveals volumes about his character. You are well rid of him, and I'd advise you to ignore him. And the next time a man shows seeming interest in you and you want more than casual sex or friendship, don't accept hanging out. That means don't invite him to your house, and don't accept invitations to his (that comes after a dating relationship has been firmly established), accept real dates only and be clear that you prefer getting to know him in person rather than over the phone or by e-mail when that option is available.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:54pm

I completely agree with Charite's advice to you (I always agree with her advice.. she is a very wise woman).

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:11pm
I do agree with the other posters here.

But I also want to note: sometimes one person is more persuasive than another at getting someone out of the house. So he said no to you, but his buddies probably razzed him until he agreed to go out. As far as the other girl, whether she was there or not, his friends are the ones who likely changed his mind about going out.

On the other hand, if the guy wasn't into you anymore, he could have just said so.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:26pm
How do you know that - "It's the fact that he intentionally brought someone else while knowing I was there and after telling me he didn't like clubs."

Is it possible that the girl was already there and hit on him, danced with him and hung around? Is it possible that the girl is a friend of the cousins and was there for the fun? Is it possible that the girl is a relative as well?

OK, he lied and you can deal with that specific issue in a way you deem appropriate for yourself. I have no issue with that at all. However, he had no obligation to you in terms of a date if you never discussed and agreed to exclusivity. Until two people agree to exclusivity you are free to date whomever you wish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:13pm
No, i'm pretty sure they came together. I asked his cousin who that was and he just said: 'his girl' and shrugged. His guess could have been as good as mine. But I'm hoping if he knows more about her then he is not lying to me either. I've come to find that there are some truly cruel and selfish people out there. I just think it was weird that it was three guys and her. And that she was with him.

I'm glad that people agree with me that I have a right to be mad. Even though we are not 'exclusive' does not mean he has a right to disrespect me like that. If you are dating other people, fine...just tell me. Don't flaunt your girls in front of me. I have dated other people too, but I would never show up with another guy holding hands in front of him! I feel as if that is disrespectful. Another reason why my feelings are hurt is because this is the second time i've seen him with another girl. The first time, he had called me to ask if I was going to the same social gathering as him and I said I was and that I would see him there. Throughout the night, I thought I wasn't going to make it, and told one of the guys there and I guess word got around that I wasn't coming. Well, when I did show up, he was getting all touchy feely with another girl there!

Like I said, I don't mind the fact that he is dating other people, but at least respect me enough to not flaunt all your pretty girls in front of me like this. It makes me feel like I am just another one of your pretty girls you are juggling. And the fact that she was extremely gorgeous, makes me feel like an ugly duckling compared to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 11:13pm

I was totally with you until your last message, when you revealed that your disappointment stems from a sense that what happened was somehow related to this other woman being so "gorgeous." I understand that you were hurt, but that makes it sound like you wouldn't have been so concerned if he was at the club with someone less attractive, and that's not the attitude you need.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:55am
Wow, this guy sounds like a real jerk. And he is to do this to you not once but twice. You deserve so much better than this idiot. I can't wait to read a post from you saying that you took some hot guy out and just so happened to run into "the jerk" I bet that might just push his buttons. And of course if it doesn't it will let him know that your are done with his stupid ways and you know how to move on.