Welcoming Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Welcoming Advice
3
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 1:38pm

Hi Ladies and gents,

I am welcoming any advice anyone would like to share.

I have been dating a great guy for 7 months, who I met through a good friend. I think I can say we are happy and always have a good time together. Lately, however, I'm afrid I have been letting my insecurities from past relationships get a hold of me and I am worried about how it might affect things. First though, I want to know if they're getting a hold of me because they are trying to warn me with good reason, or because I just haven't worked through them yet and am just looking for something bad to happen.

This won't be short, so I appreciate the time you're taking to read this.

Here it is:

I feel like I've had a few unfortunate relationships which I won't go into detail about, but have definitely made me weary about getting too attached (even though I can't help it). Most recently, I dated a guy who I felt I was totally on the same page with, again, always a had great time together, spent time with each other's families, never had an argument, the whole nine. Things happened fast, always with him taking the initiative, and then they were suddenly over as fast as they started. His reason, he wasn't falling in love with me at six months and figured by then he should be. Ouch. Now, I was definitely in love with him, and at the time, I didn't think it was fair to put a time limit on when things should develop. I was completely blind-sided. Took a long time to get over.

Now, I have a great guy, he invites me to spend time with his family regularly, spends time with mine, we see each other around 5 times a week, we have keys to each other's apartments and spend time with each other's friends. We laugh a lot, he's a good listener, he's affectionate (even though, i'm more affectionate), really nothing to complain about. And yes, I completely trust him.

About three months into our relationship, he told me he loved me. Sort of. Slipped out. I asked him if that was in fact what he said, he said it was, I reciprocated. And felt RELIEF.

A few days later, I said it to him and things got weird. When I asked him about it, he said that it had slipped out and he felt bad that it hadn't been something romantic. I told him that didn't matter to me and that I thought it was something that should happen naturally. He then told me he was concerned because he's always had a tendency to move fast in relationships (I know this to be true and it's something our friends joke about) and say those things and then suddenly it's just over. He didn't want to make that mistake again, and wanted to take things slowly. He said it didn't mean he didn't love me, that he was exactly where he wanted to be and didn't want anything to change. Cool by me. Really.

Now 4 months later, and he still hasn't said it again. As I mentioned above, as far as taking things slow - we're not really... I mean keys, families, etc. So I can't help but wonder, what's the hold up? Was he just telling trying to difuse a potentially bad situation a few months ago. If it was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened by now? Funny because with my ex, I thought a time-limit was unreasonable, but now I am constantly focused on whether he was right and I'm just setting myself up again. I can't help it.

We're definitely different people - I'm a little high-strung and over analytical. He's more laid back. We both know we think differently.

I hope I'm being unreasonable. When thinking about it, he doesn't really give me a reason to think he's going to end it, except that I find I am always the one initiating contact or time spent together. He never says no, or that he's too busy, but more than likely, if I don't suggest it or start it, it won't happen. Part of me just thinks this is the routine we have developed because i'm a planner and he's not.

I have three theories as to how I should handle this.

1) Confront him about it - sure - easy. Except I'm totally worried that I will have my worst fears confirmed and because of that, just the thought of bringing it up makes me tear up (not my style, trust me). And - I really don't want to push him. Just because I apparently can't feel secure until he's confirmed it for me, doesn't mean he has to tell me, that wouldn't be fair. And I wouldn't want to have him just tell me what i want to hear.

2) Back off. Not be so available, don't make plans, see what happens... I don't know if I like this, because it's passive aggressive and smacks of game-playing. But might it help me to get a clearer picture, wake him up a bit, or at the very least, a good seque to opening a dialogue?

3) Just completely leave it - give him time and see what happens, even though it's going to completely stress me out and make me nuts.

Sorry this is so long, but when i read these posts, I can't help but think people don't give the whole story and so they may not get the most appropriate answers.

THANKS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 3:10pm

janice10002007...

Pianoguy usually doesn't tackle lengthy posts (similar to yours). HOWEVER...here are 3 thoughts that might calm you down:

1. Don't compare former b/f's with the current one! ALL MEN ARE DIFFERENT and expecting us to respond in a 'similar manner' is foolish, selfish and short-sighted.

2. Stop analyzing our behavior. If you have a few flaws with your own...that's where to start the 'elimination' process!

3. Expecting the I LOVE YOU phrase constantly ISN'T gonna happen! "Terms of Endearment" and free male expression of feelings is important, but not to the point where a woman is gonna hear: I LOVE YOU all the time!

If you think you'd feel better "keeping your distance" for a few weeks (or a month)...then do it! His reaction will either be:

a. "I miss us being a couple and I want the world to know we're EXCLUSIVE!

or

b. "I think I'd like to explore some other options (aka OTHER WOMEN) during our 'trial separation!'"

Nuff said!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 5:01pm
Hi Janice. I hear ya. It would drive me crazy that he said it and now for four months has abstained from the phrase. Sure he is aware that he has a tendency to move too quickly and that brought him to apparently still being single when he started with you so he might want to try a new pace but once you have let the cat out of the bag? I think you should talk to him. Of course I would think this way because I let my I love you slip to my bf mnths ago and and he wasnt ready. So I tried to express my disappointment and concern quickly, listened to his rational thoughts on the matter and I waited. As the month wore on though it got more and more difficult for me to be spending every waking minute with the man falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I kept wondering whether I was setting myself up for a really bad fall. So when he asked me what was on my mind one morning because I was worrying about it and had grown quiet, I told him. I told him that I believed in my heart that he loved me and that we were on the same page but that he was hesitating at putting it out there. I understood the hesitation but I informed him that the longer it took for him to figure out what his feelings for me were, the more I would start to distance myself and think I wasnt the girl for him. Its only natural to feel this way IMO no matter how much we should trust our gut. I would definitely just lay it out for him but thats just me...
Good luck!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 6:24pm

wow. I think that is amazing advice. My foot is on the other shoe re: I'm the girl ...hesitant about the L word....he distanced himself from me and bang. it hit me. i have serious feelings for this person and am just scared to express it.

I second the advice.