Well, it's totally over...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Well, it's totally over...
19
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:21pm

For those of you who know my story, the Ex tried to get back together. But then he later got confused again (same OTHER woman), so I gave him a week to decide what/who he wanted. After that week, it was obvious he hadn't made a decision yet. We went out twice, and he never said a word. So I finally took myself out of the running. A week later, I find out he's back with the other girl. Maddening. Yes, I know I took myself out, but I don't get anything anymore. He goes back to her after I take myself out....and she accepts that, knowing he was confused about both of us...it just makes me so angry. I guess I'm glad I took myself out of the stupid "competition." That's the only satisfaction I have in this whole mess. But still....he can't make up his own mind. It's like it's being made up for him.

Anyway, I'm hurt, but I know it's for the best.

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:28pm

I've been where you are.

Try looking at it this way - you should feel sorry for the girl. Would *you* want to be with him knowing that you could just be his 'consolation prize'?

You did the right thing. Good for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 4:53pm

You did the right thing. Never compete for a man's affection. If you have to compete, then he doesn't care for you. Maybe he just likes the attention. What would have been sweet is if both women dumped him. Maybe that will teach him a lesson.

By maintaining your self esteem, you will exude a confidence that the right guy will find very attractive.

Stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:42pm

I know what I did was right. I know it was the right thing to do. I just can't believe the OTHER woman...and HIM...and how THEY are together. After all his "confusion." I mean, what's up with that? If he wanted her, why the whole charade? I know she is the weak one, or the one who is willing to accept being a "default," the fact of the matter she has what I wanted. Him. Even though I told him I was out of the running, I'm still hurt by the fact that he went to her. I told him at one point that maybe he's confused b/c NEITHER of us is right, and he agreed. So, I'd be a much happier person if he was with someone else...someone who wasn't her.

Obviously, I'm still angry. I'm not THAT angry, just annoyed. And he's been emailing me, too. I need to stop it. He wants me to "understand" what's been going on.

Ahhh, so annoying.

I don't want a confused man. I know this. I don't deserve it. Maybe she does, I don't know. But it still sucks a little.

Anyway, thank you both for replying. I really appreciate the support and votes of confidence. I really do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:02am

I don't think he wants you to understand what's going on as much as he wants to alleviate his own guilt. The simple fact of the matter is that this has nothing to do with you or the other girl. He didn't choose anyone. You were smart enough to realize that he is an indecisive person and you took a stand. And he fell into her as the choice. But it wasn't a choice. He has not made a choice in this whole thing.


I won't be so bold as to say she deserves this or not because who am I to make that determination? But I will say that I believe you are better off without him. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. End all contact with him. Tell him there's enough explanations in the universe, that you don't need his. And start moving forward with your life. You'll be that much better for it.


And remember, he did a service to you by not choosing because he let you see the real him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:00am

I understand your frustration and anger. You have a right to be angry with him. He probably did like both of you, but he seens to have no back bone. Some one like you who seems to be decisive and passionate about her issues needs to be with someone who is very strong.

When I was breaking up with my first husband, a wise woman told me that the matriarch of her family once explained to her: either he wants you or does not want you - if he doesn't know, then he doesn't want you. (this confirms your suspicion that he doesn't belong with either of you). Men don't usually vascillate, women do. My first husband left me for another woman. It hurt like hell for many years (we were together quite a while) but if it wasn't her it would have been someone else so I never bothered to compete. Funny thing happens when you let a man go and don't compete - they tend to come back. It works every time because they can't BELIEVE that you don't want them or care to fight for them. Men loooovvve women fighting over them, but then don't respect them afterwards.

Even if he was with neither of you and he did date someone else it would still bother you, but the element of competition would be removed.

Hopefully he stops contacting you because he keeps ripping open your wounds each time he emails you. Will you tell him to stop contacting you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:09am

Well, when I decided that I was taking myself out of the running, I told him that it was over, and that I didn't want any further contact with him. First of all, it would hurt too much, and I told him that. It wasn't until SHE, the other woman, emailed me herself, extending an olive branch, if you will, that I was pulled back in to this mess. This is when I realized she was back with him. But she wanted to be friends. I was so angry, so I contacted him, pointing out to him that he didn't take the time he said he wanted AND that he's chosen a default in this stupid little game.

Only a few weeks prior to this he told me that he wanted to start clean and healthy with me, that it wasn't what he had before, and I agreed. And look at him now, back in what he considered to be an unhealthy relationship. I just couldn't believe that he couldn't believe it.

Anyway, it's just maddening. And I will see him again. I have no doubt about that. We run in the same circles, even though no one likes this girl he is dating. He has lost 3 friends over all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:21am

I can't believe the girl emailed you. Obviously because you all run in the same circle, I guess she felt that it would be a mature thing to do. However, it was too soon for you to have to be confronted with this. Ohhh, so he was supposed to take a time-out from both of you to decide everyone's fate. Ugh. I hate it when they end up getting this position of deciding everyone's fate.

Well, if he wants a dysfunctional relationship with someone then, hopefully getting some emotional bruises will cure him of this type of relationship.

Guys usually don't like losing friends over girlfriends. They end up resenting the girlfriend eventhough it was his decision.

I'm sure the plot will thicken in the future and hopefully you will walk away with the least amount of hurt as possible.

I know it is maddening to watch someone do something that is bad for them (I've been there too) but at least you have your self-esteem still intact.

Has his friends told him what they feel about his relationship with this woman?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:33am

I hate to sound catty about this, but no one likes this other woman. No one. And first impressions are everything, and I didn't like her when I first met her (she is a desperate human being, who manipulates and lies in order to attract "friends"). I think she is a master manipulator, as he (my ex) has told me that she has defended me "more than I'll ever know." What? Why on earth would she have to defend me? And really, she doens't even know me, so how can she "defend" me?

I feel like she's just playing him, and it's obviously worked, b/c she now has him wrapped around her little finger.

During this whole ordeal, his friends, hands down have been PRO ME, telling him it's "no contest." He actually had long talks with 2 of his friends, where he told both of them that *I* made him happiest. But he just couldn't tell me that? Or couldn't "choose" me? I mean, this is where all the confusion stems from. His friends have come up to me, confused as I am, wondering why the hell he's with her. And more than 2 people have said that he's easily controlled and needs a woman to control him....and that I don't do that.

It's soooooooooooooooooooo ridiculous. I'm out, no matter what. I don't want to be involved with all this crap. I'm not so much hurt anymore...it's just that I'm baffled. He is not the person I once knew. But now I see who he truly is, and I'm glad I'm not a part of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:00pm
Yeah, that doesn't make sense that he should have to defend you. Defend you from what? Well, be happy you are away from him...he kind of sounds like a head trip. I hope you are not offended by that. Like I said, losing his friends will get old over time. Good for you, happy new years!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:50pm

<< Ohhh, so he was supposed to take a time-out from both of you to decide everyone's fate.>>

To decide everyone's fate? No, not so much. A time-out from both women if/until he figures out what/who he wants? Well, sure!

And, while doing so, it would have been wise to keep his distance from both. But, from what I'm gathering, he didn't. Nor is it human nature to do so. Meaning, instead of detaching ... people tend to attach to what they're trying to get clear about ... instead of detaching and putting some space around it. (ie, if I spend more time with her, etc ... perhaps that will help me decide).

I believe Bridget said she saw him twice (while he was deciding what to do?) In which case, her bad. Same for the other girl, if she was still hanging out with him, too. It would be been BEST to have not seen him AT ALL during this "decision making" time.

(actually, what would have been BEST is to not wait around at all ...if a guy doesn't know who he wants to be with, then ... who wants 'em, right?! We should all have a higher standard than to want to be with someone who isn't sure/doesn't know what he wants or who he wants to be with).

Lesson to be learned: if a person "needs time" or whatever, say "that's fine" and give 'em space, time ... and make sure its taken. Don't asnwer the phone, don't go out to lunch, none of it.

Secondly, don't compete. Ever. That way they never << end up getting this position of deciding everyone's fate >> ... the ONLY reason he "got" that position was because there were two women "in the running" who allowed themselves to be in that position, allowing him to TAKE that position.

People often take what they can get. If its for the taking, they'll take it. HOwever, we permit what we allow. The situation was permissable because it was allowed, kwim?

Imagine if they'd both said "thanks but no thanks, I'm not interested in competiting for anyone's affections". It would have been d-o-n-e. No situation. But, as a rule, most situations exist by creation ... things do not just 'happen' (contrary to popular belief).

And, if the situation would have been denied, as per above ... he would have been sittin' there with his you-know-what between his legs sayin' to himself "uh, I guess that backfired."

Self-responsiblity. That "position" existed because it was allowed to exist. We permit what we allow.

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