Well, it's totally over...
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:21pm |
For those of you who know my story, the Ex tried to get back together. But then he later got confused again (same OTHER woman), so I gave him a week to decide what/who he wanted. After that week, it was obvious he hadn't made a decision yet. We went out twice, and he never said a word. So I finally took myself out of the running. A week later, I find out he's back with the other girl. Maddening. Yes, I know I took myself out, but I don't get anything anymore. He goes back to her after I take myself out....and she accepts that, knowing he was confused about both of us...it just makes me so angry. I guess I'm glad I took myself out of the stupid "competition." That's the only satisfaction I have in this whole mess. But still....he can't make up his own mind. It's like it's being made up for him.
Anyway, I'm hurt, but I know it's for the best.

Pages
Just to clarify, I only allowed a week for him to make his decision...that was all he asked for (over Thanksgiving). I had absolutely no contact with him for precisely a week and three days. It was then he asked to see me, to talk about things (I presumed it was his "decision") so I agreed. There was a definitely a time limit on this decision and it was agreed upon by both of us (not sure about the other woman).
It was then, on that date, that he didn't say anything about any decision. Just talking to me about Thanksgiving and crap. I left it alone for that night (why, I don't know), but I saw him INADVERTENTLY the next night (remember, we run in the same circles), and it was THEN that I told him that I was "out of the running," since it was clear to me that he had not made a decision. I told him exactly what you said, that if he were sure, he'd know already. And since he isn't sure, it's probably neither of us. He agreed with that thinking, but thought he needed more time. I said no. If he wanted me, he would know, and he would tell me.
That was that.
And then a week later, I find out he's with the other woman.
I realize that the week was probably a week too much. I realize this. But he asked for it, and he seemed genuinely confused.
I only permitted him (and myself) a week to decide if this is what either of us wanted. I just happened to get out of it sooner.
I was being sarcastic with the "deciding fate" thing....I hope that came through, but maybe not.
"Secondly, don't compete. Ever. That way they never << end up getting this position of deciding everyone's fate >> ... the ONLY reason he "got" that position was because there were two women "in the running" who allowed themselves to be in that position, allowing him to TAKE that position.
People often take what they can get. If its for the taking, they'll take it. HOwever, we permit what we allow. The situation was permissable because it was allowed, kwim?"
What is "kwim"? Last word of your quote.
I couldn't agree more with your many statements. But...I live by the rule "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Whatever happened to that? I do not believe that a person is responsible for others totally blindsiding them. There is a point where you can do everything humanly possible to check and double check and if someone totally surprises you with a despicable act then it is not that person's fault. That means that women who get raped due to no fault of their own, are perpetual victims. Women cannot afford to have the mentality that they are responsible for their own demise all of the time. Sometimes yes, many times no.
Also, one cannot protect one's self from the mentally disturbed. Because you can do everything "right" and a mentally sick person will not even see it. Psychopaths and Sociopaths are included. You can't adequately protect yourself from those people.
For instance, if a group of people gang up on someone behind there back, ambush them and destroy his/her life then I do not believe that that person permitted people to gang up on him or her. For instance, I know someone who was murdered in the last year, actually two people, both by two different doctors in a hospital. There was no way for the unconscious person in the o.r. to have protected himself, he got ambushed and he bled to death over 14 hours. The other person is a woman who died of a heart attack and the hospital did not properly test her and the paramedics took her to a hospital that was a half hour away instead of the hospital next door. Medical professionals blindsided both of them. It was certainly not permitted by them.
Even if a person does happen to make a mistake that, due to the chain of events, wouldn't have otherwise happened, I do not believe they are at fault. Adults are supposed to be responsible for their own actions. Those medical professionals are at fault for what happened to those people. Rape victims are always blamed (ie, skirt too short) which is ridiculous. Instead of everyone sitting around waiting for the axe to drop on their lives because they all "get what they permitted and deserve" why don't we instead put the onus on the criminals, where it belongs?
I got ambushed in such a fashion by a rich doctor as well. Doctors in Florida are scum. He made sure to let the entire world know, except ME, that I was "owned" by him. He never made his intentions known to me, in fact he rarely spoke to me. I was a pharmaceutical sales rep at that time and I would deliver free samples of medication to the doctors offices in my given territory. So there was no red flag that he was obsessed with me and manipulated my world. Now, he was married at that time, but if I were to date someone, he would entice them with a promise of something ahead of time, so that the only men that I would meet and date me were his prostitutes. Far out, I know. I realized that something weird was going on because the last guy I dated was mentally abusive and I got out of it in 3 weeks. But I don't pick abusive men. The rich doctor jerk tried to alter my perception about myself so that I would think I exude something that attracts abusers to me, thus blame myself. Now rich doctor is an abuser. I never worked in medicine before this time and I will not work in medicine again. Too many sick and greedy doctors. But I generally don't attract those guys.
Instead of accepting this baracuda-like mentality I think we all need to strive to get back to the golden rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
I have also experienced poor treatment in the work place. I got a promotion a long time ago. Now, I was deserving of a promotion but I did not permit my coworkers to gang up on me. The ganging up on here in Florida destroys every inch of your life a la the movie "the game". I do not permit people to walk all over me, but one cannot always protect one's self from a violent crime if every precaution is usually taken. For instance, I never did anything to anyone at work. I didn't steal anyone's account, steal anyone's man, I was very loyal to my coworkers and championed their promotions, I made sure to keep my nose clean and to the grindstone and it just didn't matter. Evil is as evil does. What am I supposed to do, become mediocre, slack off so people like me? Who knew that mediocricy was a the path to popularity? And, who knew that that talk was going on around me? I had no clue. Everyone appeared to be friendly with everybody else, not just me. Most people in the dept were successful, so there should not have been any bad feelings.
I hope one day more people expect to be treated properly, with respect, instead of adopting and accepting that we permit in our lives our bad experiences.
It is such a sad commentary on our world, isn't it?
What a lovely reply! Wow.
Thank you.
I know neither of you (you or Starbuck) is wrong with your reply and your opinion, but you're right. We cannot control others, no matter what sometimes.
I know I gave what I could. What I allowed. What I was comfortable with. And that was it. Could I, would I, have waited longer, just to be CERTAIN I'd be with him? Sure. Of course. Would it have been worth it? I don't know? Would I be comfortable knowing that I was the one for him? No. No, not at all. I thought about that long and hard, and I know myself, which is why I took myself out of the competition.
I'm proud of myself of that.
That doesn't mean it hurts any less. B/c he chose a default, I'm disappointed in him....confused by his need for space.
That's all.
Ladies....really....in all honesty...I love that fact that you are here and are expressive and passionate in what you believe in. That is the only reason I come here.
=)
Love, Bridget.
Bridget, I was married once. My husband was cheating on me and he was confused. He had her talking in his ear all day at work probably about what a mean wife I was. He would go to work convinced we were going to try and make our marriage work and then come home convinced he wanted a divorce, he was very confused. He moved out convinced he wanted a divorce. He refused to go to counseling. He made no appointments for lawyers, he made no steps towards a divorce he just left us and our marriage in this state of limbo. But I just like you. I said I am choosing ME. I am not going to live in this limbo. I called a lawyer, I got the ball rolling and I got divorced. That's what he wanted that's what I gave him.
Was it hard, of course I loved him, I wanted to work through our problems, but if the man cannot make a decision, his indecision **IS** a decision. SO I wasn't going to sit there and let my husband disrespect me and run around town with another woman and leave me to pick up the pieces. He would have stayed married to me forever if I allowed it and just ran around with whomever. But what kind of life is that for me??? I had to respect myself enough and say NO MORE. 8 Years later my exhusband still asks mutual friends about me, he even sent me a christmas card this year. Who knows why. I've moved on long ago. Maybe it's guilt, maybe it's regret. I don't know. But I am not looking back. What's in the past is going. I like to look towards the future and so should you!!!
I think you did the right thing and with enough time and space away from this guy and the situation, you may just find that this was the best decision for you because you may meet someone 100% better out there for you. You want a guy that can stand on his own two feet, who can say. I CHOOSE YOU!!! and nobody will stand in my way. You don't need an indecisive person. YOu love yourself too much for that. It doesn't matter about his friends, it doesn't matter about this girl. What matters is you respect yourself too much. And in all honesty I don't think this guy is worth your effort. I bet there is a guy out there for you much more worth your energy.
Good luck!
Smile,
Deirdre
Lonely Bridget will not be lonely for very long, I'm sure.
The fact of the matter is, waiting a week or a weekend like you did is not too much. Sometimes it is best to take a time out like this and hang back before making a knee jerk decision that you are not ready to make. By removing yourself from the situation you got to see him clearly and usually when that happens, we decide we dont' really like what we see as much as we did before.
Of course you are disappointed in him, most people would be. We always admire men who forge ahead in sight of their dream or their ideal situation. We like decisive, strong, yet tender men who know what they want in life. Is this the stuff of movies, you bet. Do they exist in real life? Maybe. I thought my first husband was like that until he had his "mid life" crisis at the age of 30. But in hindsight I am glad it happened earlier than later because then I would have had to cope with a divorce AND children, while the divorce from my first real love was devastating enough. He fell in "love" with another woman, who only dumped him a week before our divorce was final. He came back to me with cards and flowers but I could sense in him a restlessness that our reunion would not squelch. I told him that I felt that he was coming back to me because he was alone, not because he loved me. If the girl didn't dump him, the divorce would have went through without him even blinking an eye. Later on, I realized I was right. Not only that.... his whole idealogy about wife, husband, kids, work, everything changed - even his career. He became a man that I would not have married, if we met today because our wants and wishes are different now. We are on good terms still to this day and I don't wish him any bad in life. He ended up divorcing his second wife (with 2 kids) and had a child with another woman with whom he broke up with about a year ago.
You see, your guy's need for space NOW is not need for space, because he is obviously involved with this other woman, right? While maybe there were some red flags that one would say you "should" have seen, many times our love or emotions blind us. Or,more commonly, the particular event never happened to you before...sooo...how could you know what his behavior would amount to, in the end? Everyone is entitled to a learning curve in life. Do we permit this to happen to us the first go-round? I say no. Once you've been bitten by that bug, you'll see it coming again...and THEN if you proceed without any caution, THEN I can admit that you allowed this to happen to you again. But that doesn't mean that you are someone who thinks little of yourself. We want to believe that ALL men are not bad, "so maybe this time...the guy wont do that to me". So sometimes we take a second sucker punch. The space that he was talking about BEFORE...maybe it was just a way to get some emotional space from the two of you while he pondered what course he wanted to take. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was getting confused by seeing the two of you and just felt overwhelmed. Who knows?
Take care.
<< For instance, if a group of people gang up on someone behind there back, ambush them and destroy his/her life then I do not believe that that person permitted people to gang up on him or her.>>
We permit what we allow. In the above instance, that person didn't PERMIT those people to gang up on him/her. Why? Because he/she didn't allow it. It happened to them, beyond their choice or control. A victim of violence isn't responsible for what's happened. Two completely different sets of circumstances.
In the dating realm, we often permit what we allow ... because we allow situation or circumstances that are not in our favor. In dating, relationships, etc ... we always have control over our own choices. In your example, the person being ambushed and ganged up on did not have control over the situation nor did he/she have any choice in the matter. Big difference.
I agree that in relationships one does have a choice. Sometimes you can get blindsided there too. I know lots of women who have been lied to and the lies sounded so normal and so ordinary that they have a hard time now believing any man.
I hear story after story about a women who has a great relationship with a guy and then "boom" he develops amnesia, he decides to leave after 20 years and doesn't ever complain to get the feeling he is dissatisfied, or a guy that realizes all of a sudden that he really doesn't like his well paying job and decides to try out being an artist.
Amazing, this dating thing.
Thanks for the reply.
Pages