We're talking about trying again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
We're talking about trying again
8
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:52pm
Some of you may remember the media guy (the one that I wondered if I was plan B or if he was really trying to spend extra time with me by having impromptu dates) I was dating until a couple of months ago. For those that don't, I dated this guy for almost 6 months. It was really great and had a lot of potential. We were officially dating for just fun and I decided I wanted to try a committed relationship with him. I brought up exclusivity just after five months in. He hesitated and said we were exclusive "by default." I took that to mean, exclusive because there just happens to be no one else at the moment, not because he wanted it that way. So, I bailed on him, and our budding romance.

We're talking about giving it another try after spending the last 2 and 1/2 months separated. I don't usually give second chances. I believe in them, but I know how hard relationships are and that history complicates things even more which always makes me skeptical when people get back together after breaking up. I figure that in 95% of cases, if two people couldn't work it out the first time, they won't be able to on the second or third either.

In our situation, he's a classic commitmentphobe, and so am I (I hate to admit it, but it's true). The feelings we have for each other caught us both by surprise. I am so afraid that I'm going to get hurt or that I'm going to hurt him, but I don't want to let this pass me by. I had so many second thoughts about breaking up with him, and I ignored them. Now, nearly three months later I know that he's been as regretful as I have about the whole thing, and wants to start over the right way.

I just wonder what the odds are at this working out. I know it's hard to give advice on something like this, but I'm looking for feedback on trying again from someone who's been there. Please share your stories.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:56pm
What's changed? Is he ready to date you exclusively by choice? Are you on the same page about what you want from a relationship and the amount of time and effort you want to put into it? Perhaps there's more than what you posted, but a feeling of regret isn't nearly enough of a reason to try again, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:06pm
We talked for three hours this past Saturday night about our relationship expectations are. We've always had very similar ideas about relationships, which was one of the things that attracted me to him initially. After talking at length, I believe that he's making a play for me because he is choosing me, and hopes that I still want to choose him.

It's not just the regret. That's the most overwhelming emotion I feel when I think about how it ended. Perhaps that would explain the tone in my message.

Between the fear, regret and genuine desire my head is swimming right now, Sheri.


Edited 4/13/2004 3:09 pm ET ET by poisonivyprincess

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:09pm
So he IS willing to commit to dating you exclusively as a matter of choice rather than by default? Sorry, that's still not clear to me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:11pm
His answer was yes when I asked that question.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:16pm
Well, then perhaps it's worth a shot, if you really like him. I've only tried getting back together with an ex once, and it was a disaster, but I do know of some situations where it's worked out.

Why not give it a month or two and see what his behavior is like, if he lives up to what he says he's going to do?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:28pm
I really like him (despite my best efforts to get over him over the last couple of months). I thought it would have faded, but I still felt the butterflies when I saw him Saturday. I guess I am a little more gunshy now.

I kind of thought the same thing. Give it chance and see what happens. I just wanted to make sure I was still thinking straight about the whole thing.

Thanks a million, Sheri. :)

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:35pm
I hope it's not too late to weigh in here but I think you should go for it but go SLOW and make sure he understands the same. Give it time to develop, don't have sex and rebuild what is/was there.

I totally believe in following your heart and finishing out what's not complete for you (if that makes sense).

So the magic word again--SLOW!

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:29am
You're absolutely right, bklynchik. Slow and steady wins the race. Haste makes waste. I believe in that. I guess that's part of why it took me 5 months to discuss exclusivity with him in the first place.

Thank you for your advice and kind wishes.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com