we've moved in (insecure about his past)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
we've moved in (insecure about his past)
5
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 4:20pm
I know this issue is all mine, but I really need some guidance for how to deal with it...

My boyfriend and I (of a year and half) finally decided to move in together. He has lived in his house for 10 years (he and his ex-wife bought it together). And after their divorce, he was in a relationship with another woman for 3 years, and she lived with him there as well. Now I am living there with him, and keep stumbling upon things that belonged to the other women and it's starting to get to me...

At the beginning of our relationship, I would notice things that belonged to his exes, but didn't feel it was my place to say anything -- for example, his previous girlfriend's clothes were still in the laundry room (he just never got around to clearing that stuff out -- they had been separated for a year before I met him). But eventually, after we got more involved, I mentioned that it was a bit strange for me to see those things. So he did begin to clear things out that belonged to his exes. But I'm still bumping into things (to know fault of his own) and it leads me to begin comparing myself to his exes. It makes me terribly insecure to see things that belonged to them, especially if I feel like she was sexier/prettier/had a style that my boyfriend liked better. During the move-in process, I was putting some boxes in the storage room and found a box that said "wedding." And of course, I couldn't resist looking, but immediately regretted it. There were notes from my boyfriend to his ex-wife, and vice versa, and it hurt to read a love letter to someone besides me. Needless to say, there were mementos from the marriage and pictures. I know this is my fault, but I have got to get a handle on my feelings before I become so insecure and jealous of his past that I ruin this wonderful thing we have together. Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:16pm
I don't know if I can say anything to really help, but I have the same thing with my bf who I moved in with. He's kind of a packrat and has quite a lot of momentos from his ex girlfriends, and it bothers me as well.

If he were more open with me about them I wouldn't care, but when he's come across things from his ex he always seems to be secretive or hide them from me, ie turning over love notes.

I'm very insecure with stuff like this, and have occasionally caught myself digging too much, and then unable to ask him about it. I found a picture of his ex in his wallet and a journal entry written a couple of months before we met talking about how much he still loved his ex girlfriend.

It's really weird to think of someone that you love having given those feelings to a stranger before. I asked a friend about it and she told me that you just have to accept people have ex's.

I still don't know what to think of the things I've put my nose into. The only advice I can tell you that I've learned is that digging into someone's private past gets you no where but only more questions and if he ever found out, you would be ripping a wide gap of trust between you too that may never be repaired.

Just have faith that he's with you now becauses he truly loves YOU. I don't think he would have moved in with you unless he really cared and thought there was somthing special about you. Just take his actions before you met with a grain of salt and trust him.


Edited 10/15/2004 5:18 pm ET ET by sciencekills

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 2:12pm
I had the same problem for a while. But, honestly, there's only one thing to remember:

There is a reason he is with you. There is many reasons he is not with them anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 3:09pm
Many times insecurities start with the basic belief system that another person's actions are all about you. This belief system includes self-talk with words such as "Why did he do this to me?". Its an internally-focused mindset that has people believing that he does things because of you, or in-spite of you to make you feel hurt.

Think about it for a moment. He didn't know you even existed when he got married or when he put old items into storage. How in the world could this have anything to do with you? It doesn't. It also sounds like he is making an effort to clean up things left over from his past - but you should not expect him to get rid of everything from his past just for you.

You move past insecurities by changing your thinking and belief systems. You make the choice to become externally-focused plus making the choice to find the positives rather than the negatives. You look at the value and happipness you bring to others (especially him) and appreciate what he gives/does in return.

Rather than trying to find and focus on negatives, use the same amount of energy to find and focus on the positives. When you help to create a positive environment you will have a man that will adore you and will do everything in his power for you to be safe and happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 12:49pm
Maybe the solution would be to move into a totally new place,

instead of either of you moving in with the other, you

could find a 3rd place for a completely new start. That way

you will have an equal householding, rather than you

living at "his place", pluss that he´ll have

to clear away some of his old stuff..

Good luck anyway! :)


Edited 10/17/2004 5:26 pm ET ET by helgajoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:19am
Thanks to everyone for your insight. It really helps to know that I'm not just a freak about it, and that there are others out there who have trouble with some of the same issues as I do. Plus, I know you are all right. I know he loves me and the past is the past. The only issue I have to learn to deal with is not feeling threatened when I see things that belong to his exes, and I'll have to do this on my own.

Thanks all.