What am I doing wrong??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
What am I doing wrong??
5
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:06pm
Ok...I met this guy about 4 or 5 months ago. I was stupid and ended up sleeping with him the first time we met. He did call again, we got together again. Again we slept together. This is now become a pattern. I mentioned to him that I would like to know where we are about a month and half ago and he was like um...I don't know. He just got out of a bad mariage about 2 years ago and the last girl he date ended up to be a stalker so I understand that he would like to take it slow, but it is coming on to 5 months now and I would really like to tell people that I am "Dating" him instead of just "sleeping" with him. We rarely go out with friends, we normally get together at my house to hang out or go for a drive. Should I give him the boot or what?

Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:17pm
The guy isn't looking to date, he's not looking to get to know you as a person that he values in his life in a romantic interest sense.

Don't tke it personally - he probably doesn't want to "date" anybody because it means honest comunication, potential commitment, and an alteration of his lifestyle.

So basically - you're a bed buddy. He regards you the same as he does his guy friends...he hangs out whenever he feels like it, and becuase it meets his needs...it's just that with you - he does something he wouldn't ever do with his guy friends.

You didn't end up in this "position' with him because you slept with him on the first date, either, FYI. You ended up in this position - because no matter what you would do or not do - what he doesn't want and won't do is "date" anybody.

So whoever was willing to hang out, hook up, have fun without obligation - he's all about it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:44pm
Be honest with yourself. It's not that you really care what "other people" think about the nature of your relationship with him. Come on now - you want him to be more than a sex buddy period. He's not taking it slow. Taking it slow means that people date each other, with or without sex as a part of that, and date for as long as it takes until either or both of you decide if you're compatible enough and develop deep enough feelings for each other to commit to a relationship. When and if, at some point, either of you decide that it's just 'not there' you stop dating each other and move on. Taking it slow doesn't mean that all you do is have sex with each other and take an occasional drive in the country to somehow try and make it seem like it's something other than what is - not after five months and not even after two weeks.

I wouldn't place any significance on his "stalker" ex, I might not even believe there was one. It's a convenient excuse to avoid being honest with you about his intentions. But you don't need any reason for his reluctance to date you. The fact is that he doesn't want to, and all excuses and dishonesty aside, his actions tell you all you need to know. There's nothing wrong with you other than your propensity for denial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:35pm

Hi


Is he at least monogamous? Has any sort of commitment been made?


While with his recent history it's understandable he wants to take his time getting attached, it's long enough that you want to know if there's a possibility of this becoming more serious and is there any kind of, even if vague, potential time table.


You might also want to talk about at least going out on dates - vs just hanging out. Does he ever take you to dinner? Did he do something special for your birthday? Does he call to check in - if you've had a miserable day at work, does he make an effort to make you feel better? Does he share what's going on in his mind, in his life? Why has he said he hasn't wanted to get together with his friends? Has he met yours?


The above questions are geared to getting you to think about whether he treats you like a girlfriend, or at least like someone he cares about, even if the semantics (i.e.: word commitment) aren't there.


Sherry


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:38pm
He and I are monogamous. He have gotten together with each others friends a few times as well. My problem is that we work differant shifts so we can only see each other on his nights off 2 days a week and we do not talk that much in between time because we are not "dating". I am not the type of person that will call and call a guy I will call once and wait for him to call back. I think that he likes that, he does not like pushy women. I am at the point now that I am going to drive myself crazy thinking that all he is using me for is sex. I think deep down he is not. For example one of the sweet things he did for me this past weekend I was very very sick and he came over and made me soup and cuddled and watched a movie. When he left he said I hope I made you feel a little better, that was the intent and gave me the best kiss he has ever kissed me with. I guess that is why I am thinking I should have the talk with him again beccause before I know it I am going to be head over heals for him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:07am
Im a firm believer in eliminating situations from my life that bring me more pain than joy.
Lilypie Baby Days