What are the chances??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
What are the chances??
17
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:52am
I am soooo confused. And I feel too old and a little stupid...ok, ALOT stupid...to be in this situation. I am 40. He is 29. I knew his parents fairly well through a professional relationship. I adored his Dad like he was my own. Then, I met HIM. It is such a long story. But in essence, I couldn't tell him how I felt because I was working for him. And then I ended the professional relationship rather abruptly because I thought the situation was hopeless. (I left him a note that basically said, "something came up." I didn't leave him in the lurch. We were done with the work.) But I couldn't stand seeing him all the time and not being able to say anything. So I left. Maybe it was the absurdity of the situation. Maybe it was PMS. I don't know. Not too professional but the emotions were overwhelming at the time. Well, when I left I forgot a few of my things at his house (where I was working) that were irreplacable. (Family heirlooms that would be of no use or interest to him. Sentimental value, not monetary value.) It took me three months to finally call him to get them back. I left him a message at home when I knew he would be working and asked him to mail them back and I would reimburse him. No response. Three weeks after that, I called and left another message explaining that the items were irreplaceable and I really would appreciate it if he could send them back with a bill for shipping for which I would reimburse him. (IE: It would have taken him 2 minutes to throw the items in an envelope and it would have cost about $5.00 to return them priority mail.) Still no response. Three weeks later, I called and left another message with my Federal Express number and asked him to please return the items. (I was very nice in all three calls.) I finally got a call back from him saying he got the messages and he would return the items and that I didn't need to call him again. (He was very pissy.) So...three weeks passed. Still nothing. Finally, I decided to call him at work directly and talk to him. I got him on the phone and told him I wanted to come over and pick up my things. He was really nice...I think because I caught him off guard. And he said he would be happy to leave a key for me and I could stop by and get my stuff the next day. As I had decided perhaps I needed to finally fess up and tell him why I left, I asked him if he was going to be home, I would just swing by and get them. He said sure. I was so nervous, but I went over late the next night. (Almost chickening out.) He was really nice when I first got there. He offered to show me around at all the changes he made in the house, etc. I declined politely, I was just too nervous and wanted to get it over with. He went up to get my stuff, came down with it, then disappeared into the kitchen while I was talking to him. So I waited. When he came out, I started to talk a little about my leaving. And he kept walking away. He was uncomfortable I think. And then he'd come back and started talking a little. (I know he wasn't cooking. He doesn't cook. I know he wasn't eating. I had been in the kitchen when I first got there.) Well...Before I could even say much, we got into an argument. Actually, he yelled at me and asked me why I was trying to start an argument. (I wasn't. I just asked him why he didn't mail my stuff back. Nicely, not maliciously.) I honestly think he did it on purpose because he was mad that I left, and I thought that would prompt me to explain. But instead...we got into this big argument. And I ended up picking up my stuff while he just stood about 15 feet away at the end of the hallway and watched me walk out the door. I said, "Say hello to your parents," and left. I sat in his driveway for a couple of minutes in awe. I just can not believe, I came over to finally tell him how I felt and before we even got anywhere near the topic, we ended up in a big fight. I don't get it. And I can't believe it happened. Anyway...a few months later, under some really weird circumstances, I had a personals ad placed on-line. I thought I needed to get over this. I had been thinking about it and thinking about it. And I needed a diversion, so I placed an ad. NO WAY would he have known it was me. And what are the odds?? We live in a major metropolitan area. And HE responded to MY ad. (I KNEW it was him immediately even without a picture!! I didn't have one posted either.) And I was right, out of the thousands of people on line. It was him. I was so surprised. He just never struck me as the kind of guy who would respond to an ad. But I never let on it was me. And when we exchanged photo's I distorted mine so it was fuzzy and you couldn't tell it was me. So...We talked for a couple of months before I finally told him it was me. I was feeling guilty, plus he wanted me to call him. FOR SURE, he would know it was me then. Anyway, he was shocked. And then I told him how I had felt, and why I left, etc. And he said. "Wow. Don't worry about it. No biggie." I could have died. "NO BIGGIE??" I alienated his entire family, had been driving myself nuts over it for months and that's his reaction?? I was upset. And I told him exactly what I thought of his reaction in an e-mail. And of his attitude in general. And we haven't spoken since. Problem is, I still think about him. That was 8 months ago, and I just can't seem to move on. It feels like "unfinished business." I feel awful over losing the friendship of his parents in the process. I feel awful the way things ended up. I never see him or his family. And the chances of us running into each other are slim but possible I guess. Hey!! He answered my very annonymous ad. My question...What would you do if you were me?? I can't seem to move on. It just feels like a mess. And I hate the idea that I know now his parents, who I respected and loved, will never speak to me again because of all this. And worse yet, I still want this guy. I KNOW, that the law of the world says to forget it. But I also know that every situation has some hope. And I have heard of relationships starting out on a worse note. But how do I proceed?? Why didn't he return my stuff?? How can I mend the relationship with his family?? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?? Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:24pm
Well. It was a long story. So I know I already said this, but I don't know if I mentioned in the original e-mail. But I DID leave him a very nice, very professional note. VERY. Not in a huff. I basically said, I finished up early and had something else come up to get to, so he should call me if he had any questions. I don't want to keep dragging this out, BUT...I do believe you are giving men too much credit. Not to sound sexist, but I PROMISE you, he had no idea how I felt. I know this for a fact. So. That does not play into this at all. And I really planned to let him have the pictures, but when my sister asked me for them back and I told her where they were, she had a HOLY FIT!! That's why s much time passed. ANYWAY, I apparently didn't explain this too well. But I happen to believe all things are possible. HEY!! If I listened to mainstream opinion, I would never have the success that I've had in my life. (With the acception of THIS.) BUT, nonetheless, I appreciate your thoughts and totally understand where you are coming from. Maybe I just needed to type it out and take a look at it on paper for myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:52pm

Well, thanks for acknowledging my attempt to answer your questions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:27am
Hi, Jilly. I just read your last response to my posting. And I have been reading alot of postings by you all over the board tonight. I guess the only thing I have to say to you about it is this...I have not pursued anything. For eight months. I have done nothing. It just bothered me, never having talked about it before. However, I have to say, while most of your postings make sense, you also tend to leave a lot up to the men. IE: ".... if the guy wanted a relationship with you, he would have pursued it." Well. I don't agree. This is not the same day and age that your mother grew up in. And personally, I happen to know at least a half a dozen women who did the pursuing...and some of the men they pursued were TOTALLY against even THE IDEA of it! IE: My close friends, Steve and Gina. I was friends with him first, not her. And every day, she followed him around work like a puppy dog. Called him at home. Made a TOTAL pest out of herself. And he came to me all the time, telling me what she was up to. Angry that she wouldn't leave him alone. And trying to avoid her every moment of the day. He would literally hide out from her in my office. Long story short...they are now happily married with two little boys. He is SO HAPPY! But he HATED her for MONTHS before they eventually got together. In the case of my Aunt and Uncle, she waited for him in the alley until he would take the office garbage out everyday and conveniently drop hers at the same time. He had a girlfriend and she knew it. She just explained, she was "awfully sweet on him." I swear, I think she STALKED him for about a year before he finally asked her out! And he always told us, he thought she was NUTS and wanted nothing to do with her!! They were happily married for 60 years until he passed away last summer. I could go on and on. I do have more stories like this if you really want to hear. But I'm sure you don't. So I guess I will end by saying...while I think your advice is pretty solid for the most part, I just don't think it is necessarily true in all cases. And I don't think, in this day and age, there is anything wrong with pursuing a person you happen to think is "the one." I am not saying that in my situation particularily that is the case. I am saying that, "in general," I think every situation is unique. Every person is different. And I think internet postings are only part of the story. Your assumption that this seems to be the rule of the universe, is frankly absurd. Not to sound like I am criticizing, I'm really not, just giving yo another point of view, but I just don't think everything is as text book as you make it out to be. And I think you are over simplifying.

Another point I would like to make, is that men don't always pursue even if they ARE interested. I know a lot of men of different ages. We talk alot about their "stuff." Many times they report that they are just as afraid to start something with a woman...even if the signals are BLATANT, OBVIOUS, or POUNDING THEM IN THE HEAD LIKE A SLEDGE-HAMMER, for a number of reasons. I really think it is more up to the individual than a set of "rules to live by." Human nature is a funny thing. And I think the sexual revolution changed the former rules alot. While I would much prefer to be the 'pursuee' as opposed to being the 'pursuer', I think advising people to "move on" isn't always the best advice. I know you are trying to be helpful, but I think you should maybe contemplate this concept somewhat before you make up your mind. I just know so many people that the 'rules' just have not applied to. Something to chew on. Anyway, again, I do thank you for your time and insight. It's been fun sharing e-mails. Maybe we will run into each other on here again sometime.

Have a good night.

Elle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:48am
elle55407....

Re-read and listen to the "TONE" of your previous post. Pianoguy senses that arguing or contradicting is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to you than listening.

You don't have to agree with my thoughts (or anybody elses). But the 'personality' that's present in the words you've used on this thread might be the reason the man you worked for twice.....made the choice to "avoid you?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:08am
Hey, Pianoguy...

Re-read the tone of your original posts to me. You could have just as well been standing on the corner screaming. EVERY RUDE REMARK WAS BOLDED!!

Do you really think, just because someone doesn't share your viewpoint, because they don't back down and agree with everything you say, that they post their own thoughts, that is a tone? You are not in any position to be throwing any stones. Truly.

And besides, you talk about yourself in third person. And to be honest, I have a hard time listening to anyone who does that. Give me a break.

(Now THAT was a TONE.)

Elle



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:56pm

Well, I can only offer the benefit of my

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:26pm
Hi, Jilly. I didn't mean to insinuate the 'tone' of your advice was wrong. I was just trying to say, that I don't think it's always appropriate for every situation. I'm glad it works for you. But everyone is different. We both agree on that. Maybe you play a more traditional role when it comes to relationships and men. I couldn't say. I don't know you personally. I just think there are a lot of people in the world who need a little push or who need the door to be flung wide open before they make the move. I am not only referring to this particular situation or just romantic relationships. I am talking about all relationships.

I guess I don't think extending the olive branch or making the attempt is a bad idea. Or pursuing an open line of communication with someone who has closed the door on you. And I don't think anyone...unless you are Mother Theresa...has not had that happen to them. For sure, it's happened to me. And I have no doubt it has happened to you. That is the way life is. But in my case, had I left it up to them, we would have never spoken again. They would have simply 'let it go!' And do you know what? It's never NOT worked out for me. You pick your friends, you pick your relationships. You know?

Misunderstandings...drifting apart....hurt feelings...those things happen. But I believe they can be repaired if you want them to be repaired and if one of you takes the initiative. And that includes my current situation. Like you said. Everyone is in your life for a reason. (And that whole 'reason and season' thing you said! HA!! I don't remember the exact line. "Seasons change..." Something like that.) But taking that burden off of them makes it easier. And it also lets them know that they are important enough for you to want to make the effort. That's how you maintain relationships. And you're right. It takes two. BUT...some people are much better at making that first step than others.

If we all just moved on, let go, or shrugged off every relationship that was a little fractured or bruised, none of us would be talking each other!! ;) But you need to decide who is important enough to garner your efforts, I think. And I frequently believe that just knowing you are making the attempt towards repair is a door opener.

So...Eventually, I will likely get around to repairing this situation. Maybe not at this moment. But eventually. ;)

Hope this makes sense.

Elle.

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