What is the boundaries of "just friend?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
What is the boundaries of "just friend?"
6
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:43pm
I met this guy a couple of months ago and we really hit it off. He was very interetsted in me and made comments like "you are so perfect for me, I have never felt this way before, let's get married right now, ect..." Things were going really good until one night he started acting distant to me so we talked and he said that everything happened really fast and he isn't ready to settle down yet. He also told me he can't just date me it will have to be all or nothing. So we have remained friends with occasional hook-ups. One night we got into a huge fight (we act like we are a couple) and I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He got really upset over it and told me that he doesn't want to lose me so we made pact that we will not call each other anymore (until I come to accept that we are not dating or until he decides to commit). We ended up sleeping together for the first time that night and when he left we ended it with the understanding that we wouldn't talk until we move forward (either as friends or more). Well he ended up calling me every night that week (and it wasn't just to sleep together, in fact we only did once that week).

I am so confused b/c he calls me last week and tells me that he is ready to settle down in his life but isn't ready to commit yet, he also said that he does not want to have sex for a while either. Well last weekend he called me on Saturday night and wanted to see me really bad. I met up with him and some friends and he was acting like such a a boyfriend, getting jealous, wanting to be close to me, ect... Last night he came over and I had a little too much to drink and he took care of me. He fed me, made sure that I had lights on at my house when everyone left, he was very concerned about me. Usually he goes to a friends house on Tuesdays to watch TV but he made them come over to my house!

I know I have pretty much been babbling on and on and I don't feel like I even have explained our relationship (if that's what you call it) to the fullest detail possible however I just needed to get some of these things off of nmy chest. One thing I want to ask for advise on, is do you think that if you sleep with soemone prior to commitment ruins the chance of ever having anything serious?

There are so many things I heed advise on so anything that anyone can give me from what I have said would be appreciated.

Thanks, Kim!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 7:21pm
Personally I think the guy needs to crap or get off the pot. Ususally when a guy says that he really likes you, but he's not ready to commit what he really means is "well, I do like you but I want to see if someone else is better before I commit to you." If he likes you as he says then he'll commit no matter where he's at in his life unless he just doesn't want to commit to you. There is no perfect time for a relationship and waiting around for it will not do anyone any good. From what you say, he sounds sincier about everything he says and does, but the dude has to take a chance at some point if he really cares.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:59pm
"He can't date me, it has to be all or nothing, so we remain friends with occasional hookups".

Read that back to yourself again and tell me what you see?

I see: I really like you, but you're only good enough to hook up with, I'm still waiting for something better to come along, but you will do for now to satisfy my urges.

If a guy really likes you, he will want to be with you. If he's saying that he can't date you, FOR WHATEVER REASON, then believe him. He is only playing around with you because he's waiting for someone *better* and you're willing to go along with it.

Forget him, tell him to get lost, and find a guy who sees you for all you are and only wants YOU. You don't want to become more attached and be there when he does find his something better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:12pm
This just recently happened to me although in a less direct way.

Tell him to hit the road you want someone who wants you and only you and can commit.

Wish him lucky finding the one he is waiting for. The problem is not you it is with this jerk. He likely will never find what he wants and will go from girl to girl until he finds out it is too late.

You will feel so much better having control over your feelings rather than someone else giving you the old roller coaster ride.

I know it is hard but work on your self esteem and self confidence and you will be surprised how strong you will be and ready to let someone in your life who will treat you like gold.

Sleeping with someone whom you are in an exclusive relationship is fine but at this point since he only wants to be friends the sleeping with him is definately not a good idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:19pm
Hon, this guy is looking to hang out and hook up ONLY. Don't expect anyhting more. If he's ready to settle down but not to commit to you that's the same as "I'm ready to have sex with you BUT not to have a serious relationship with you". If you want to hook up and hang out with this guy then go ahead, because you're getting anyhting else from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:59pm
hi kim,

i'm curious to know the responses that you rec'd from your question. i'm in a similiar relationship now w/a friend who i've slept w/a handful of times. he tells me that he's not ready for a relationship but gets jealous when other men approach me.

so if you can provide any feedback as to what others thought, it would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:41pm
Thank you everyone for your response. It is so tough when you really care about someone that you are willing to settle for what you really want. And the worst part is, you start is convince yourself that it's ok!!! Feel free to e-mail me anytime girls. Thank you so much for your help