What is this?? Can I get him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
What is this?? Can I get him?
7
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 9:24am

Ok, many of you know me from my time here before. I had posted about problems with a younger man (He's 27, I'm 41). I have followed advice I've gotten on here and basically let him go. We had dated at one time, and he wanted to stop dating me, saying that he cared about me as a friend. But, I didn't want to stop dating, cuz I still liked him. So, I got hurt. I met him on my space, and after we stopped dating, I deleted him and put my profile on private. He found me from another profile of his and talked me into adding him back. I did.

He recently got into a relationship with a girl and so I chose to ignore his messages. We were friends "online only" anyway. And I didn't appreciate that. So, for about two months now, he's been on "ignore", but he keeps sending messages and talking about how he wants to be friends. Here are his last 2 messages-there have been more before this, all trying to engage me in conversation. I've ignored them thus far:

Him: "Good morning. I thought i'd say hello this morning, and wish you a good day. How has your life been going? are things good? I should hope they are.
I know it was informal to just randomly write you, and ask how your life was, without actually seeing you in person. well perhaps we could have coffee, and talk about life, and make a real friendship. I was hoping things are ok, and we could share stories of recent life.
i'd appreciate your feedback."

(below was in response to a general bulletin I posted to all my friends about a good day I had)

Him: "I'm joyful for you, and your best day!
that must have been a wonderful feeling. having a child just unconditionally hug you. I held a crying child once, and how she wrapped her arms around me wailing, i felt so much compassion from this...
i'm am happy for you, Purity. have a blessed evening."

So, what does he want? Should I meet him knowing that we have a "strong sexual chemistry" and that I'd still like to sleep with him (we never did, but he wanted to pretty bad)? Is this some game, is he just looking to see if I will respond to his wishes?? Is he looking to "hit it and quit it"?

Please help! :( Men and women on here, alike. I want the love and security of a real relationship with a man that loves me.

Can I win him away from his girlfriend?

Thank you in advance for all advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 6:52pm

Tough one. Plus he has a girlfriend and has already stated that he really only wants to be friends with you so I have no idea what he's doing.

If it were me, I'd think he's keeping me on a back burner should things not work out with the current girlfriend. I mean, you deleted him from your profile and he found another way to crack his way in. Kind of creepy.

I would just continue ignoring the messages. Seems to me like he has no idea what he wants or he wants it all which is just as bad. Sounds like you're doing good without him so why mess up a good thing? He hurt you but you got over it. If you invite him back in again, I think it will only end up sour.

As for the girlfriend, he needs to break up with her first without your influence. If he comes back to you afterwards, maybe it is just a situation of not realizing what he had until he lost it. But I would avoid the situation of taking him back with the assurance that he'll break up with her afterwards.

Hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 2:27am
It does help and thank you, Christine. I feel better. :)I need to let this one go, I think. I can't be friends with someone this "weird" and draining. I just didn't want to accept how he was/is because he presented the "fairytale". That was all lies too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 7:36am


Purity,

How many more times dozens of different posters on different boards on ivillage need to tell you to drop this nonsense once and for all for you to get the message? It was silly to start with, then it became ridiculous, then ludicrous, now it's just beyond old. You have been annoying the h*** out of everyone here on village with this 'story' for over a year. You have been told time and time and time again that your obession with his man who does not want anything to do with you has to stop; that you have been making a laughing stock out of yourself; that you have to seek psychotherapy and professional help. Yet after all this, we get another post called 'What is this? Can I get him'? This is becoming sick. What is this? This is your ludicrous obsession that has to stop. Can you get him? NO. N O. No no no no. NO. YOU. CANNOT. GET. HIM. BECAUSE. HE. DOES. NOT. WANT. YOU.

Honestly, this is getting too much. Can moderators do anything about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 5:40pm

We sign into these message boards to help one another, not to judge. If a member's posts are becoming redundant or tiresome, then just don't read them. We've all been in relationships with men that do nothing but confuse the hell out of us and it doesn't make it easier to let them go. There is no set standard amount of time when one must get over somebody. Sounds to me like Purity has been doing the right thing by blocking him from her profile, but then he found another way in. She hasn't been answering him, but he still writes to her. This is confusing behavior and Purity just doesn't know how to handle it, seeing how this man probably meant a lot to her at one time and she still cares about him.

Purity, I'm glad my post helped. You're doing great. Keep ignoring him. It's natural to wonder if you were too hasty, but you're doing the right thing. Stay strong and keep looking for the guy who won't be so back and forth with his feelings. He's there - I promise you. Good luck!

Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 8:12pm
Thank You, christine. I appreciate your post! You are kind and helpful. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 6:11pm

"Please help! :( Men and women on here, alike. I want the love and security of a real relationship with a man that loves me."

You won't get it from him. He is immature and playing games. I would delete him from your friends and put your profile back to private.

Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 12:37pm


'...You won't get it from him. He is immature and playing games. I would delete him from your friends and put your profile back to private'

The reason why I replied to the OP the way I did is that the above is what many many posters on various village boards have been trying to tell her for the last year. He is immature, he is playing games; she however is completely obsessed, in denial and stuck on the idea that something may develop between them when every piece of information she produced in her posts clearly shows that he simply does not want her in his life even as a casual s** partner let alone a gf. I just cannot believe that someone who is in her early 40s and has children can be so blind to something that is so glaringly obvious. I think many people on the other boards have now simply given up on her that is why she is posting here hoping to hear 'well he clearly adores you, of course you can get him, this is what you need to do' etc etc. I couldn't believe it when I saw that she yet again posted about this 'non-situation', 'seeking advice'.